Demiromantic?

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30 Mar 2013, 10:39 pm

(I made a similar post to this in the Social Skills forum, entitled "Demisocial?".)

I'm adapting terminology from the asexuality community here.
According to one wiki, demisexual means

Quote:

a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone.

By demiromantic, I mean something similar: a person who doesn't desire a relationship unless they form an emotional connection to someone.
Throughout my life, I've been watching people fantasising about relationships, lamenting their lack of one, listening to music that would make you think that the only thing in life was romantic love, and generally acting as though getting a partner were the only true goal in life.
I can't relate. I've never had any desire for "a partner".
However, I have met specific individuals, gotten to know them, fallen in love, and then I've wanted a relationship with that particular person.

Is anyone else like this?

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2wheels4ever
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30 Mar 2013, 11:41 pm

I liken it to a 'teacher crush' or an auntie. How would that even work logistically since I tend to grow bored of people and they of me, the more time spent together?

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31 Mar 2013, 2:53 am

Who_Am_I wrote:

(I made a similar post to this in the Social Skills forum, entitled "Demisocial?".)

I'm adapting terminology from the asexuality community here.
According to one wiki, demisexual means

Quote:

a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone.

You may be on to something.

If it's possible to have the opposite of demi (sexual, romantic, social etc.), I have it. I wonder if it's partially a gender thing?

I have strong desires for all these things but it all breaks down when it come time to apply them to actual human beings. You have no desire for these things, except when there is a specific person? I wonder if it's documented that people on the autism spectrum are either demi or the opposite.

Who_Am_I
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31 Mar 2013, 3:58 am

Quote:

I wonder if it's partially a gender thing?

I don't know. I don't think I'll ever understand gender. It might be interesting to see if the genders of people on WP correlated with it in any way.

Quote:

You have no desire for these things, except when there is a specific person?

Pretty much, yeah. The occasional weak urge toward them, but it's rare.

aspiesandra27
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31 Mar 2013, 6:07 am

I am definitely like that!

wotsits
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31 Mar 2013, 6:11 am

I have desires for physical hugs/sex, but no desire for a relationship unless I meet someone who sparks that in me.

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31 Mar 2013, 9:38 am

I heard that term a while back, and I can definitely relate. I generally have zero interest in relationships or sexual intercourse. I've always said, at the risk of being crass, "Why would I spend massive amounts of time, money, and energy to find a person to give me but a few moments of physical pleasure when I can take care of that on my own?" However, I do have a healthy libido, and feel strong attraction to women. I just don't bother to woo them, or feel the need to. Yet there have been times when I have gotten particularly close with a woman that I have made a push for a relationship. Otherwise, that desire is alien to me, but then it becomes and overwhelming drive.

So yeah, if my understanding is correct... I am a demiromantic.

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31 Mar 2013, 6:15 pm

Who_Am_I wrote:

I've never had any desire for "a partner".

I do. But I'm not "looking for a partner", because I don't work that way.
For me, romantic interest in someone requires an already existing "emotional connection", as you worded it.
So maybe I'm a ¾-romantic.

Stalk
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31 Mar 2013, 6:22 pm

Isn't it the same as saying: "They grow on me"?

uwmonkdm
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31 Mar 2013, 6:23 pm

I'm like this as well. Of course once in a while I get that scratch, but I have no desire to sleep with someone I'm not emotionally attached to, so... yea.
I think there's a good reason why most of "hook-up" culture takes place in the presence of alcohol..

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31 Mar 2013, 9:04 pm

When I read, "a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone," I thought, "That's totally me!" But, "... I mean something similar: a person who doesn't desire a relationship unless they form an emotional connection to someone," doesn't fit. I want a relationship rather badly, and I think about relationships/sex with a generic person nearly every time I go to sleep, but I don't feel any sort of romantic attraction to any particular person unless I know her fairly well and like her. I don't get erections around women I don't know, and I don't watch porn for that reason.

I think the typical way in which men and women flirt assumes that men are already have sexual interest, which makes things difficult for me.

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01 Apr 2013, 4:22 pm

I can't do casual sex. I'm just not wired for it. I will see someone that is attractive but as soon as I get close to them I feel the opposite. Then I would like to get to know them and see if there is a relationship that can be formed, e.g. trust etc. By the time I figured out I like them, they already lost interest in me. So I take too long to like them and basically lose out on the opportunity after approaching them. So when they ask me if I like them, I would answer I'm not sure, because it is honest. I need some time, maybe I just take longer to form a bond.

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01 Apr 2013, 5:39 pm

I am both demisexual and demiromantic. Right now, I don't have any particular interest in a romantic relationship, or sex but it takes a great deal of emotional connection before I feel desiring of either with another person.

Schizpergers
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05 Aug 2013, 5:01 am

I'm demiromantic too. I do not understand why people seek romance. I can get attached to someone if I've known them for a long time but I have to be really close friends for a while first to feel a connection.
The problem I have though is I have a normal sex drive but most ladies want to be in a relationship for sex and I have no desire for a relationship although I still desire sex.

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05 Aug 2013, 5:13 am

Who_Am_I wrote:

(I made a similar post to this in the Social Skills forum, entitled "Demisocial?".)

I'm adapting terminology from the asexuality community here.
According to one wiki, demisexual means

Quote:

a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone.

Welcome to why I don't date anymore. :lol:

It took me dating a bunch to realise this was my problem.
Accepting that you are technically in the "queer" category because you are demiromantic takes some getting used to - because it also means you don't operate on the normal method of relating or dating.

I'm pretty similar, as you mentioned with friendships. I have no real desire for friendships per say as a concept, not until I know a person well enough and then I end up wanted a friendship with that person simply because of who they are.

It's very strange and most people will probably never understand - so unless you know they do, don't take them comment to heart (not that you ever would, but still :razz:

).
Other posters have posted similar issues.

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The_Face_of_Boo
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05 Aug 2013, 5:16 am

You simply lack the motivation for having relationship.

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