How far gone am I?

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So I've went all of my life being unable to find a date, sure I have two good friends who are female and kind of understand me on some things (who I hardly see anymore ), but I've never been able to land a date (failed many times though) as I can never make a connection with anyone and typically just creep out the woman with my awkwardness so I either end up with a new enemy or just give up and back off.

I also have a issue that I prefer women with large boob to waist ratio (Dolly Pardon figure I guess you could say). No matter how much I've tried to bring myself into being sexually and intimately attracted to women that don't have that kind of figure, I find that I can't in the end. I'm not terribly shallow though, have been attracted to a woman because of her personality, but it wasn't a sexual attraction. It was a "I want to be really good friends with this person and spend time with them" attraction. At best I could have been a cuddle-buddy lol, but nothing sexual. Also I've looked at dating sites and am generally repulsed from what I see and have vowed never to go to one again.

Anyways being so desperate for any kind of relationship I'm willing to blow $4.99 a minute just to talk to model Demi Rose Mawby on her stupid fan-chat webcam, which is basically a stripper cam without the stripping lol. Demi is a newly signed 18 year old model from the U.K. who had her photos leaked online when she was 14, since then she's delt with bullying, trust issues, accusations of having plastic surgery, and suffered from an eating disorder for about two years due to this. She claims to be understanding and kind to others, willing to meet new people and make friends, likes deep conversations and is spiritual. Her tumblr and twitter seem to reflect this at least so it might not totally be a fake scam for her to make money. I've gotten to the point that I'm so desperate for any kind of relationship, even if it's a empty friendship with a model over a webcam that charges out the a**. I just don't know what to do anymore.

If you think 300$ an hour is an equitable compromise to your inability to form a connection with girls with less than a DD cup size then I think you are pretty far gone.

I wish I didn't have to say this, but... You may need to see a counsellor or therapist. Save your money for something more worthwhile.

^

and.. Jesus christ!

edit: man I spew bulshit sometimes.

It sounds like you are lonely and you want some kind of attention and affection from a female. It also seems like you have a particular type of woman you like physically. I can relate to both things. I am not as much about sex as I am affection, someone to care about me, someone to listen to me, and to enjoy spending time with. I think that is a human need that practically everybody experience. Your thing physically is the Barbie Doll body type with the large breasts and slim waist. For me, I have a foot fetish. I cannot be attracted to a woman who has ugly feet. I don't know why but it is a quirk I have always had.

I can relate to being desperate. I have been isolated all of my life emotionally. People are all around me but I don't like 99% of people and I reject pretty much every woman shows interest in me. Because I have such a weird personality and I live in a such a rural area, it is hard to find people locally that I connect with, especially females. Also, I have a 100% failure rate when it comes to approaching women. I have only succeeded sexually by approaching women who I knew liked me in advance. I didn't have to approach them. They approached me. I don't do that any more because it makes me feel guilty using someone for sex when they are in love with me.

I can see getting wrapped up in webcams and stuff like that if I was really lonely. I have known guys do much worse things than that on the internet.

My question for you is do you have any other stuff to focus your energy on, any close relationships with other people?

I can't explain it except to say that when I focus on other things, I don't obsess as much on my social awkwardness or lack of a partner. When I am all alone with nothing to do, nothing to focus on, the silence is deafening. I get really, really down on myself and hopeless and make really bad decisions.

I don't think you are hopeless but I refuse to believe that paying all that money for the webcam is the only way to get your needs met. I bet you can find a better alternative or learn to live without sex and romance.