Seeing things from the other side.

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Reading through the threads I've noticed that there is a lot of argument about who should approach who and I'm thinking to myself that I usually meet people through friends, so I'm not in situations where I feel like the best way forward is to apporach a guy to make initial contact. (I almost typed first contact .)

This is just the way my social life has been. I meet people through other people. I never go up to strangers and start conversations. I don't feel like I shouldn't do it because I'm female, I think that I don't do it because I'm English. It's just not done to go and talk to strangers. If a stranger comes up to you and starts a conversation in England, that's weird. You're immediate first thought is why is this weirdo talking to me. When will they go away?

I'm told that the way the English hook up is by getting drunk and staggering off to bed with a mate. Sometimes you realise you really like each other and it turns into a relationship. I read a good article in the guardian that discusses this point, but can't find it.

My problem is I don't drink enough. lol.

"Women get hit on more" what does this mean in reality?

Read through the posts on Everydaysexism on Twitter and you'll see that often comments that men regard as "hitting on women" are not actually conducive to developing a loving relationship? Yes women get alot of sexual attention for just being alive, but it's not the good sort of attention.

Last edited by hurtloam on 01 Aug 2013, 6:02 am, edited 1 time in total.

It's a real Catch 22.... pubs are the primary social venue for meeting new people in many places.

But if you go to the pub as a woman without an obvious partner, then you're likely to get lots of leery creepy guys shuffling up and trying to get you to agree to have sex with them.

It can't be often that an attractive woman who goes to a pub, would have some guy come up and say (with every good intention) "So, I noticed you across the room and I think you truly are beautiful. Would you like to sit and spend some time together ? Perhaps we could become friends, or start a relationship ?"

.... rather than the usual, of (drunken leer) "So, I noticed you across the room. You're hot and I'd like to shag you. Want to come back to mine ?"

There's no real social venue to meet the first sort of guy, I have found.
I find it very unfortunate, and wish there was a way to do that.

I don't have a huge amount of experience with this, but it occurs to me that the type of guy that would fall in the first category (the nice guy) is also the type of guy that would be less likely to approach anyone in the first place...which sucks. But, using that same logic, you might be able to find that type of guy hanging around the fringes of the bar/social event.

I'm from the States, so I have no clue how it works in England, but I tend to meet all sorts of interesting people while waiting places. Long wait at the bus stop? I strike up a conversation. Long line at the movie theater? Talk to the person next to you. They're strangers, so I don't feel like I have much to lose, and I find that a lot less intimidating than the idea of going to a bar. My family has also had great luck with online dating, specifically Match.com, so I would probably try that before I went to a bar. I keep thinking to myself that I really need to find and marry someone on Match.com, because I'm pretty sure we'd make an amazing advertisement. (My mom and, believe it or not, my grandma, both found their husbands on Match.com and are happily married...if I did the same, we'd be three generations.)

No real venue to meet if you're older than 25 (night club age) in Australia either.

I have two female friends, both very pretty, and the comments they get in shops, on the streets, in a coffee shop, ect. Just floor me. One of the girls is 41 this year, and she gets 18 year old asking for sex.

I do feel your pain. So many guys are just plain rude. But I see exactly the same thing on television. Damned American influence, in your face rude and obnoxious behavour.

Cliquey areas can cause more of an issue with the social aspects, in less cliquey areas I find people socialize a lot better and don't have an issue with talking to eachother or including people and it makes a lot of sense. The trouble is it's not much use for a man to sit meekly in the corner waiting for a forward woman. Or maybe sometimes forward women frighten off these shy guys [I've heard that complaint but don't know if that's true in general]. Better confidence probably improves the chance of a man being approached like that, and it does happen - I can attest to that, the problem is if she's forward you still need to talk back and make arrangements to get anywhere.



Watching the English by Katy Fox is an outsider (American) view on this that apparently does entail something to do with alcahol and English culture. It's on my ever growing list of books to buy. A friend explained the observations of our culture (now forgotten in my memory) and it sounded as though it had merit from that at the time.



I've heard it put men have options women have choices (I guess that means a choice between "hi" or "get lost"), and probably the simplest way to put the argument about men approaching women. I'm sure people annoy/frustrate you or say outrageous things, but my experience is it's the same being on the other end too.

There's a slight misconception about men making the first move too imho. It's well published by body language experts that the first move is made by women in body language cues. In my experience actual dates were arranged when after approaching (or just talking to) a woman she hinted that I should ask. Sometimes I found I only had to make the decision of commiting to the decision of asking, the rest of the work was shared (apart from approaching).

The whole lot just seems a lot harder when you factor in ASD's - issues making connections, maintaining friendships and relationships, social defecits in general, confidence issues...