nice guy pursuing my ex- Aspie

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Hello everyone,

I am an NT and I was hoping that you guys could help me out. I recently discovered that a girl I used to date has Aspergers. We only went out for a little over a month, but in that time things were absolutely amazing. However, out of the blue, she broke up with me (less than 12 hours after she had agreed to be exclusive). Even though I was devastated, (especially since I received no real answers for the breakup), I did my best to move on. This was 5 months ago, and I have recently bumped into her at a few business networking events (just a brief exchange of pleasantries) . I have been researching Aspergers quite a bit lately (I have a 12 year old family member who is an Aspie), and I am starting to wonder if several things that I have said/did may have been misinterpreted. Her birthday is coming up next week and I would very much like to reach out to her. While I would like to date her again, my main interest at this point is opening up some communication lines. This is why I need help....should I just wish her a generic happy birthday? or should I also tell her that I would like to apologize if I have ever made her uncomfortable or have hurt her feelings in anyway? Or should I go even further and mention that I miss her very much? I guess I want to let her know that I am thinking of her, but I also don't want to say or do the wrong thing (and potentially push her further away). I am looking at this as a slow process of trying to be a part of her life again. Any help that you guys could give me would be most appreciated. Thank you very much!! !

Open up a communication line in a direct way. Just tell her how you feel about her and ask her out again.

Good luck

I think you should just move on. For whatever reasons it didn't work. If she wanted to be with you, she wouldn't have broken up with you. Sad but that is just how it is.

I'm always a bit suspect of a guy claiming he is a nice guy. You are sounding like a bit of a stalker.

^^^
jeez that is cutting him to the quick, ain't it?

^^^ I'm just saying, I don't know the full details from just a post.

But he dated her for a month, it didn't work out. Now he seems a bit obsessed with her and I can imagine he will start giving her unwanted attention. Like he is not saying what his true intentions are. like he is trying to be just friends for a start.

Yeah maybe it is a bit harsh and unfair. I'm just putting in a point of view. Other posters will also contribute.

Auntblabby. The nice guy thing. I think you are a nice guy. Would you make a post saying you are a nice guy to try and get something? A true nice guy wouldn't do that.

I don't know that i'm a true nice guy in that I have a devil over at least one shoulder. but every day I try. I have no glaring ulterior motives though, in my relating to other people. but I'd be lyin' if I didn't like eye candy.

Last edited by auntblabby on 02 Aug 2013, 6:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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See you proved my point.

there is no crime in trying to snatch utility from the jaws of futility. many a useful "save" has happened due to this kind of stubbornness.

^ Many a "stubborn" man has been on the receiving end of a restraining order, as well.

Trust me, with all of the legal advantages that women have against men, it's safest to just let her go and forget about her.

I'm not an aspie, but I am a woman. I have experienced stalking a little bit, one of the things my ex used to sit in his car at the end of the road he knew I was living in and follow me when I left in my car and send me hundreds of pounds worth of unwanted flowers. OP, you're not a stalker, you've bumped into this lady at business events and you are left wondering if there's any mileage left in a relationship. If you'd want to remain friendly in either case you need to tread very carefully. I'd be inclined to buy her something a little special for her birthday, if she's expecting nothing then something very small will be enough, I'd stay away from the romantic types of things, jewellery etc and go for something that you know is personal, a book perhaps? That should be a hint that you still think she's special. You'll also need some words, to make it clear. My advice there, from the aspies that I know, and god knows I'm no expert, is to be very careful with the wording. My partner and his sister are both on the spectrum and I've come to understand there' s a very literal aspect to their understanding. So I could make something clear to them, and unless I expressly tell them that my feelings have changed or modified then the first position I took still stands in their understanding. They don't seem to get it that I, and other people, evolve and mature their opinions and they express surprise when it becomes apparent that mine have. For example I don't recommend that you tell her you'd like a relationship with her again, or apologize for something that's 6 months in the past, I'd probably stick with something like 'I think I forgot what a great person you are' It's non committal enough to work for both scenarios, friendship or dating, but you'd have to take your cue from her replies.

Hope this is of some help

Just ask how she's doing. Since you dated already, she'll tell you if she wants you back. Why would a woman who dumped you not say anything about it if she wanted you back?

Because she doesnt' know how he feels now. She's not a mind reader. She doesn't know if he's moved on or not. For all she knows he could have met someone else and be deliriously in love. She may also think that she's blown her chances completely by dumping or rejecting him once.

I'm no expert in these things, but it can't hurt to give it another go. If she says no this time then it is a definate no and time to move on.

Hmm, one thing's for sure, neither does he, from what he told us. As for me, being dumped isn't the best way to tell someone you need some space. I would feel no angst towards any lady who was hesitant to give me another chance, she's right to do so.

What about her giving it another go? It can't hurt! Oh, and what has she contributed, oh yeah dumping him. Luckily he is a very forgiving guy and cares for her. I give him 5 stars for being a good guy to this girl. Dumping someone is something you can't take back, you have to earn it, or be gifted by God with an admirer as cool as the OP'er.

It's odd that she broke up with you. From what you say you didn't do a single thing wrong that you would need to appolagize for and in your position I wouldn't want to look weak or open myself up to a repeat of the past. Appolagizing for nothing is probably the surest way to destroy all your chances.

My advise - friend zone her and don't play the nice guy who listens to all her problems. I'm not saying play a game, I'm just saying don't let yourself be that guy who listens to her problems forever more and hopes she'll come round. Open up communication but primarily as a friend. If it's something she wants to persue she'll find a way to let you know, and you can go from there. But don't reserve yourself for someone who's probably going to do the same thing over again - if she had issues with commitment I don't see her changing that in 5 months.

The danger of harboring hopes for one girl is that you wont be open to others who are interested in you. But there's no reason not to be her friend, and having more female friends is only good for your chances in dating for many reasons. The most obvious being is you're actually in contact with them, and no contact means no dating, so if you're able to maintain contact (unlike me) then do so.

Sorry if it's a downer, but I always think it's better to think about yourself first in these kind of situations. It looks negative but actually it's positive - in my opinion this is the way to save face, keep respect and avoid awkwardness. If it turns out she's still interested in you, remember to let her in if she persists but with caution so that she knows not take it for granted. Remember you're a nice guy and you always have to be careful of getting taken from granted.

If you want to do the birthday greetings then do so but don't try to be the first one to do it, maybe leave it to the last minute (say 9pm or something) so it doesn't look like a transparent attempt to get back with her.

That's my take on all this and my honest advise. My conclusions on this are from experience only as I've had similar experiences to this. If you think someones experience is useful to you then by all means take what you want from this and leave the rest.