How to get over someone and remain friends?

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It was a little over a year ago that I fell for this guy. It was a long-distance thing, and I had misjudged his level of interest; a few days later he started seeing someone else. They've been together since then, building a happy life, following their dreams together, all right before my eyes.

He is best summarised as an older version of me, even down to our less desirable traits, and it's been long since I took him off the pedestal. I can count on one hand the number of things we DON'T have in common, Asperger's being one of them (though he does have some autistic traits). I push him like crazy, and he pushes me away, but he never lets me get too far. Even though my mere presence in his life fills his partner with jealousy and resentment, I am still there. I can't tell if the guy is dead serious about remaining friends or if he is stringing me along. Or maybe it's pure guilt driving him to account for me.

I don't really know what to do. I miss him so much every day that it makes me depressed, and it interferes with my life. I can't cut him out of my life because I am fearful I'll never meet someone else I connect with on such a strong level. It's not for lack of trying; I am studying at university purely to put myself in an environment with like-minded people. But I can't seem to cultivate even a meaningful friendship, let alone a new romantic interest.

I just want to get him off my chest and remain good friends, but after a year I am only very slightly closer to achieving that. Meanwhile our friendship is crumbling and becoming more and more difficult every day, and I hate myself for the incredible guilt I put him through.

He still hasn't given up. It's giving me so much false hope it's not even funny (not that I'm blaming him).

Any advice would be greatly appreciated...

Any kind of behavior like this self fulfilling.

You are obsessed with the idea rather than the reality of the relationship. Theoretically you could substitute with some other object of attraction. It is not to do with him.

Any cycle of the behavior, you need to break one of the chains in the cycle that propels it.

Friendship is really about enjoying the company, and getting something out that and reciprocation.

You need to move on.
I still obsess about previous girlfriends, even from more than 20 years ago, but mostly I just keep it in my head.
The times I have brought up my feelings, and reinitiated contact with past loves has not gone well, and is really not worth it.
The fact you never even got to the stage of a real friendship, or romantic liaison, means you are still living a fantasy, and doing so will stop you from having real worthwhile experiences with real people.

If there had been any chance with this person it would have happened by now, so let it go, move on, and do something more worthwhile with you life, whether it be spending time on a hobby, at work, or study.
In time the pain and disappointment will fade, but I can promise you it will only get worse if you focus on what could have been, at the expense of opportunities you have now, both in relationships, and other pursuits.

You'll just have to chalk it down to experience, everyone has some regret, disappointment, or lost love, just don't let it stop you from finding something more rewarding and worthwhile now.

You are spot on! I didn't really think of it from that perspective before. There are some definite behaviours perpetuating the cycle that I should be trying to eliminate.


It's my belief that we do have a real friendship; not only that, but one that has been tried, tested and proven to hold longevity. Romantic feelings from one person do not invalidate a friendship if you ask me.


I don't have the ability to find something else currently, that is my issue. I try to build other meaningful relationships, I put a lot of genuine effort in, but they don't seem to go anywhere.

So really it seems indicative of a deeper problem I have with interpersonal relations, i.e. to compensate for a lack of meaningful connections in my life, I tend to become obsessed with ideas of what could be, whether they are platonic or romantic. I get obsessed with friends (and sometimes family) as well, just not to the same degree.

Thanks for the advice guys... some helpful stuff here.

I find that getting over someone requires me not to have them in my life. To have them hanging around is to be constantly reminded how much you like them and all the things you like about them - and it's painful. If you don't want to cut ties, take a break from talking to him and a long one that's enough for you to get over it on the surface. Also, remember not to go back if the opportunity presents itself. Honestly you don't need any of this and it's not a good influence in your life. Maybe he wants you as a friend, but it's not healthy for you at the moment. You don't need to tell him that or explain yourself to him, just give yourself the distance you need.

The friendship thing you need to work on as you know, and I'm not sure all friendships will be meaningful in any case, so maybe just focus on socialising with them first and enjoying your life. That and getting on with whatever it is you usually do - join an interest group of some kind maybe. I'm usually in at least one of these, like I'll play poker at a certain venue once a week, chess club.. depends what you're into but there's usually something for your interest.

Don't let those falsely hopeful thoughts in because really it is over, and theres nothing you can do about it. I wouldn't know if he genuinely wants your friendship or not, as I really don't know him. But you mustn't be naive about it either. You don't have to be self destructive by completely removing him from your life - but if it was me, I'd ditch them completely. If you really need to do that you'll know in good time, but for now.. take a well needed (and it really is needed) and complete break

I hope that's not too harsh, I just think my honest opinion is the only one that can help someone.

I am reminded of something from a zen text:

Yeah I do find this to be a problem... having him in my life (even just on Facebook) is a pretty consistent reminder of how alike we think, and it does hurt. I guess I prefer to blame my own attachment issues than shift the focus to him though, because it points to a lesson that requires learning. Cutting him out of my life is just a stop-gap measure to circumvent my own problems, and I don't think it's fair to paint him as the cause.


I need this tattooed on the inside of my eyelids or something lol.


Not at all! I appreciate the brutal honesty, as this thread is meant to be more introspective than informative. As I've said I don't believe running from my problems is the answer, hence I'm more interested in how one goes about managing their own expectations and feelings, than how to completely get someone off your mind.


Haha, brilliant! Thank you.

That's a good way to see it, but it's a good solution to the problem that you can't let go. The space is for your benefit and part remedy to your problem. You don't have to paint him as the cause to look out for your own interests. Being selfish really is the only way to get over this (as you need to look at whats best for you objectively), and despite selfishness being painted as evil there are many advocates for it who understand we all have to learn to do this. Also, you don't have to get them completely out your life or take some kind of childish revenge, it's all up to you, but I do think learning to have space can help you here. Just wanted to clarify that

Facebook is sadly bad for that whole thing, because it's something we check out of routine or habbit. Staying logged out can be a challenge, especially when you want it for other things. And yeah, it's not nice to see everything unfolding in front of your eyes.

In any case, I hope you find a way to heal from this and not to rely on him for friendship and connection. I've been in similar situations so I completely understand. I hope that's helpful

I can relate as I have a few times developed intense feelings that were not always requited or if they potentially were, the timing was off or the person was involved with someone else and so nothing but friendship could ever be possible. But because of my AS or AS traits if you prefer since I am self Dx, I can occasionally perseverate on a person or on a situation or idea related to a specific person or even on my emotions for that person so in a sense an obsession but not in a true obsessive or stalkerish way. More my brain gets stuck and my feelings can go from elation to tears easily. In some rare instances a person can in a sense become a special interest but it's less about the person and more about the feelings or the distant possibility or a fantasy of a possibility that may or may not be there.

My most recent situation with a close male friend of 3 years who also has AS ended in a huge falling out. He was married when we met. We were never more than friends although there was some flirtation and I'd say off & on he also perseverated on flirting with me but I have come to realize from knowing him well that flirting in particular ways with women he likes is a special interest of his and one which he feels guilty about. He ended our friendship. I won't go into more detail but it shattered me and broke my heart.

Can he and I ever be friends again? Maybe but not until a very long time of no contact and by very long it could be years because I have come to realize that until I heal and am over my romantic fantasies and feelings and also heal the heartbreak that I cannot even look at photos of him or at his Facebook etc or attempt any contact at all. I also have to come to the realization that if years from now we ever are friends that it will not be back to how it was and that I can't participate in or encourage any flirting ie go back to old patterns of behavior that triggers and fuels each of our perseverations and obsessions that were part of the disfunction.

This means if I truly love him and love myself I have to make a clean break and let him go, which means accepting the possibility that he and I will never have contact or be friends again. That way I can open up space in my life for new things and he can live his life with his new girlfriend and also his life in general.

My advice is for you to make a clean break as others have said and if you ever contact him again it has to be only after you are completely over him and have truly moved on. I know it feels like you will never have a deep connection again. It might be a long while because deep connections are rare but mutual deep connections are even rarer and if it was mutual, you two would probably be together. You deserve to have a mutual connection with someone. We all do if that's what we want. Waiting around or chasing after someone never works. It's painful. My situation still hurts but every day it's less. I haven't met anybody I have feelings for since and I go years between those types of connections. Take care. You aren't alone. Others have been through similar things.