So did I go on a date yesterday?

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On Thursday night, after a very emotional day, one of my guy friends asked me to go to coffee. This was at the end of a student group meeting after talking to this guy for an hour or so. I agreed to it and got his number. It sounded fun after all. I've known him since October and we've always had good conversations.

I went to coffee with him yesterday, and I ended up going to his dorm to play video games and meet some of the guys on his floor. He tried to pay for my coffee and game ticket, but I hate it when people pay for me. I have a job after all. His friends were crazy, and he seemed a bit embarrassed by some of the stupid things they were saying, while is was laughing the entire time. I had a really fun time, but I'm not sure if I want to be his girlfriend, or if he even meant it as a date. My friends think he meant it as a date, but I'm not entirely sure. I just want to make sure to make the right decisions here because I wasn't expecting anything like this to happen.

sure it's a date

Don't play Mario Kart on a date. One blue shell near the finish line can send someone into a rage and that doesn't look good on a potential date resume.

You're asking a group of Aspies to evaluate someone's nonverbal social signals third hand?





I guess you'll know when he tries to kiss you.

If it's confusing for you and you continue to get what you perceive as "maybe-signs", you may just want to ask him how he views you and clarify what you want from the friendship. I think it's very easy for aspies to accidentally 'lead someone on' because we don't often understand what these social cues are in order to identify that we're doing things which could be mistaken for cues. In the same way it can be easy for the inverse of that; thinking people are 'into' us, but who in reality just want to be friends (or possibly want nothing to do with us at all, but are playing the 'pity game' and inadvertently leading us on, themselves).

If you're feeling that he might be looking for 'more than friends' and you don't want that, it may be better to be clear about that earlier rather than later, so that the situation doesn't enter enigmatic obscurity where you both are unsynchronized in what the nature of the relationship is.

Such kinds of social obscurities tend to be the 'all in the average day of an aspie', but we can do things to try to minimize these social confusions by seeking clarifications more forwardly, even if it makes us look a bit oblivious at times.

When it doubt, the answer is always "yes". Just knowing he was slightly embarrassed shows that he cares about how you think of him - sounds like he wanted to impress you

If you don't want anything romantic to come from it - let him know sooner rather than later - for his sake, because chances are he's anxious about it too.

Having said that - if you had fun, why stifle possibility?

If you have to ask if it was a date, then it probably wasn't.

I know many may disagree but for me, I don't consider it a date when someone of the opposite sex asks me to go do something, unless they clearly state that it's a date, and if they just imply it's a date, then I will still ask to make sure, "You mean like a date?"

And then they'll either say yes or no and it clears the air and I react accordingly.

I've gotten coffee with female friends while in college tons of times, or snacks, or go to the movies, or a million other things and it just be me and her, then we go back to their dorm and hang out, and never did I ever think it was a date. Who knows, maybe some of those times were? I have no idea. All I know is I don't consider it one unless both parties are aware that they are going on a date with each other, and it's agreed upon, etc.

I'd be kind of upset that someone may have considered a certain outing with me a date if I was unaware of it. I'd want to know if I was going on a date because I may not even be into that person in that way so if they did ask me, I'd say no, but suggest we could go just as friends and hang out.

It became a date/he made it a date.
First it was just coffee, then when leaving after you've enjoyed yourself for a while he offers to pay. Now he has no obligation to do this if you are just friends/colleges/acquaintances then he will treat you as any other random person.
He wants your time, your conversation and he wants you to enjoy yourself on his expense.

He clearly likes you since you went home to his place later and stayed there and enjoyed yourself even further and spent time together. And by becoming embarrassed when his friends said stuff shows that he wants to distance himself from their statements so that you don't base his opinions and values on what they say if they now say something that is really nasty.

So, conclusion: You are clueless to what even makes a date so the criteria for judging if it was one from your side is not possible. He clearly liked you and tried to gain favor by paying and keeping himself neutral when odd or nasty jokes/comments were made so he wouldn't be associated with it if you took offence.

Let's call it a spontaneous semi-date.

And you don't have to be anyone's girlfriend unless you want to. Date count doesn't matter, but don't be unsure about things to long and string him along, men are direct animals that thrive around honesty.
Just be straight forward about your intentions and feelings and he will be too. Make sure to have the conversation in private face to face.

Thanks guys! He asked me to get dinner on Wednesday. I suggested just eating at one of the dining halls because that is easy and part of our meal plans, but he insisted on going to a real restaurant. It does seem like a date after this. I should pay this time because payday for me is Wednesday. I'll just see what happens, even though this whole thing is a bit sudden and confusing based on the fact that most of past dating experiences have been bad and that I haven't had genuine feelings for anyone since late 2011.