avoided by an aspie

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NT female hasn't seen her friend in a while since he yelled at her in public. I am told he still looks for me around my former work. I decided to go one morning and he saw me an smiled, gushed, blushed, mouthed a bashful hello then fell up an escalator. I decided to return thinking he would be happy to see me again. He saw me, looked panicked, did a back and forth near a storefront and disappeared and avoided me.

The guy was just looking outside my former work yesterday. Does he not like me? Apparently, he looks everyday and my friend sees and he never finds what he's looking for.

I don't get it. You're looking to see the object of your affection then when you do, you run. Can someone explain. And I do not make a nuisance of myself. I hadn't seen him in 2 months and now again almost 3 weeks.

So, you haven't seen him in two months, then he fell up an escalator when he sees you. The next time he avoids you. My guess is he feels incredibly embarrassed and thinks you'll bring that up.

It sounds very likely he may still like you. Sometimes when we like someone, it brings a panic response unfortunately. I can't tell you how many times I've done that.

I'll follow up on this as well since this is pretty true.

The panicky feeling... something didn't go as planned. Aspies for some reason like things going as planned. It's kind of how things go. I'm aware that things don't always go as planned.

Also add to the fact that Aspies tend to get rejected often by the people they like (and often with subtlety). This panicky feeling may also play a role in the avoidance and panicked state. He may also believe you will reject him. Aspies can be self-defeating in the relationships they get into, or even just having a crush on someone is enough to do it.

I have been at this for 2 years, folks! I have never laughed at him or made snide comments, even when he's ticked me off and DESERVED it.

Do you realize that we have feelings too and that your behavior affects others, sometimes negatively? It's v hurtful. You don't want to get hurt, but it's ok to hurt the other person. It's selfish.

I came back after being YELLED at. I forgave, I pretended like nothing happened.

How do you feel after you avoid? Do you worry about what that other person thinks of you?

How would you feel if I saw you and didn't utter a word next time?

Honestly, it's so overwhelming that sometimes avoidance is easier. It's not that we want someone to feel bad, but that the feelings are so overwhelming. I've let people I've cared about walk away because it was so hard to feel so overwhelmed so often. It overrides everything else.

I think the best thing to do is calmly approach him. Ease into a discussion about what happened, and clearly state how you feel about it. Then take it from there...

Can you describe what "overwhelming" means to you and what it involves? So what I'm supposed to believe he likes me so much he avoided me? I'm a real lucky girl I guess.

How do you think he feels about what he's done? Has he considered my feelings? Is he thinking I might not be back after this?

Men are terrible at taking hints. Aspie men are even worse at it. Men are usually more direct, women are often far more subtle.

If you want to know for sure if he cares or not. he will have to understand that his actions have hurt you then. He might not respond positively right away. But if there happens to be an attempt at a sincere apology at some point, then you know he is caring.

There's never been an apology, but I find about 99% of the ppl I know never apologize. So that's not a way to measure.

And if it is then why is this man looking around?

Is it overt enough to ignore you or be told to stop staring to illustrate how displeased I am? Would that register? A good old ignore for an ignore? I've always been understanding, but I am v hurt now.

Then the best thing for you is to not talk to him until he talks to you. You might not ever hear back, but for your own emotional well-being and mental state, this might be the best option for you.

Would he even care that I won't talk to him anymore?

Bear in mind, I am giving you a feminine perspective but can relate..

I would be hurt deeply in that situation, but countered with a sense of relief. I would rarely make the first move though, but would welcome one usually. I once read that talking outwardly with someone is the aspie equivalent of parasailing/bungee jumping/<insert extreme sport>. I have to agree.

Can someone explain what he's saying in his mind while he sees me, looks panicked and flees? Is like Charlie Brown and the little red haired girl? He sees her, it's do overwhelming that he sticks a paper bag over his head so she doesn't see him?

So if I avoid him, I'll give him relief? That doesn't say hey you feel bad.

That's a good analogy. I'd approach him one or two times, but then wait for an answering response. It may be very difficult, but he's going to have to give you a positive response. If he really wants to, he'll manage...but it might take longer than expected to get that response.

Can anyone explain why he looks around for me but when I'm there he avoid me?

It just seems to me that if someone avoids you they do not want to be around you, get to know you, etc. I feel like the last person he wants to know. And that hurts.

Last edited by GlendaGoodWitch on 05 Dec 2013, 11:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.