How do I save our relationship alone?

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Hi all,

So I believe my boyfriend has undiagnosed AS. In my earlier thread when I discovered it I was very optimistic that we would be able to work through everything now (http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt241846.html).

After discussing it with him he became very upset and said "It shouldn't matter if I have AS or not" He refuses to seek professional diagnosis, or couples couselling. Saying that "he liked the way he thinks and doesn't want to change"

I did manage to get him to take the aspie quiz (http://rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php). His results were:
Your Aspie score: 186 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 25 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie

I had taken it a few days earlier:
Your Aspie score: 28 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 184 of 200
You are very likely neurotypical


He has openly admitted to me that he suspects it is true, but is deeply upset by it, nearly refusing to talk about it. I had hoped it would help us to build a stronger realtonship, but it appears this is not the case. He tells me would rather not know. How can I work with him if he is unwilling to work at it too? I don't want him to change I just want us to work on our communication. When I told him I ordered some books off amazon he became upset and said he "doesn't want to be treated differently".

I don't know how to approach this. Any advice is appreciated.

Relationships don't get saved alone, what we have here is a contradiction in terms. Certainly no AS individual is capable of that feat. Any of us could spend our whole life reading up on communication in its' own right, but that wouldn't allow very much basis for unimpeded communication; your partner states that he likes the way he thinks because he doesn't seek to modify it, his stilted communication is an after effect. Free-flowing communication centers on engaging topics and contentious issues, addressed across the board in a non-accusatory manner. I know you don't feel that you're pushing any particular template on your interactions with this guy, but that's the only way he's biologically capable of interpreting attempts at NT-style conversations. It seems that all you really need to make happen is the expansion of your own repertoire, your partner's & everyone else's will follow.

I don't have any advice at all, I'm sorry.

However I am not surprised he is having this reaction. Coming up the realization that you are fundamentally different from nearly everyone you know has to be hard. He has probably been trying his whole life to be normal with a bunch of experiences that have proven he isn't.

One of the issues with autism is that there is no cure or medicinal treatment for it. So no matter the trajectory of your relationship he will never experience it in the same way as you do.

You are lucky though that he hasn't just thrown in the towel. Maybe if you explain to him that if you treat him likee everyone else, you guys will likely have a lot of miscommunications that lead to the demise of the relationship. On the other hand if you find ways to learn how best to communicate with one another you guys can learn how to understand each other.

Many of us don't stop there. My entire social existence is sitting on cinderblocks in my driveway, so to speak.

Thanks everyone for the quick replies.

@cberg - This is exactly what I am doing. I ordered those books so at least I would have something I can do to change the way I interact with him. Hopefully in time it will help us overcome some of the challenges in our relationship.

@JimNJ - When you say there is no treatment for Aspergers what do you mean? My understanding was that while he is different, and doesn't show his emotions in the same way, that we can still learn different methods/apporaches of communication in order to be better understoodto each other.

I know a large part of this lies in me learning about Aspergers but surely he has to play a part in all this too?

I mean that although he can learn to do things or choose to do things to make you happy it will always be against his nature. Sort of like remembering that your boss likes you to close your emails with the same message. You may forget a few times but eventually you will begin to close them all the same way but you will be doing it because you were told to not because you want to or it makes sense to you.

Also, he doesn't just not show them in the same way he isliterally not experiencing them in the same way.

This means that a lot of the relationship between you two that you want to make you feel good will feel like work to him. Which of course will make him feel drained sometimes.

I second this remark from JinNJ. The first two sentences describe how I was feeling about my own suspicions about myself up until very, very recently, for several years. It's a horrible, denial-filled place to be.

The final sentence describes my whole life of striving to be normal, believing or assuming I'm supposedly normal, but knowing the last thing I seem to be is "normal." Your boyfriend might have a similar experience, and the new realization that the spectrum might be the reason why is not an easy one to take onboard.

So I agree with the opinion expressed, that if this is where your boyfriend is at right now, it can be quite painful and a huge adjustment to make, just to start accepting that one MIGHT be on the spectrum -- and that's even long before any official diagnosis can confirm it. Just [i]this part of the journey there is a lot to come to terms with in the first place. It is for me anyway.

So try not to push hard with this whole thing. He's unwilling to face even the consideration of the slightest possibility about it because he might be in the painful "No....no......" stage that I spent the last few years in when I started realizing I might be.

As for mending a relationship by yourself without the input from the partner -- I don't think that's possible. It takes two to want to make something work if it's hitting a rough patch.

.

One hand cannot clap.

I have said this countless times to others... It's a very risky move bringing up to a potential Aspie "I believe you have Aspergers." I believe this to be very true if the person in question is not the most confident and possibly very insecure.

While he agrees it might be true, I would believe he is in denial right now. When he accepts, he might be doing some thinking about it. I remember after diagnosis, I refused to be treated differently and I remember refusing to be brought out of my regular classrooms (diagnosed at 11). I hated people talking about me as if I was different and needed help. I could do the schoolwork anyway.

I thought you had looked up the Pygmalion Project. Knowing it alone is not good enough.

You've done what I would have done in the past - charged at the gate, like a bull. You've ordered the books, got the info...you expect the world to change because, damn it, you FEEL that it's going to change. By sheer will and emotion alone, you're going to make it change!

You're probably highly idealistic. I'm interested as to what you'd come out on the Myers Briggs test on another thread.

This is the long, short and tall of it: your partner is not on the same wavelength.

And it's painful, it's irritating. Why oh why can't he see!! !! (Why oh why can't he be me...) Could it change? Maybe...but hang on, you've focused on his core being, and (surprise surprise) he has retreated. This is not the way to go. On one hand you are saying "I love you for the way you are" and on the other, you are saying something entirely different.

Stop doing a 'me', otherwise you're in danger of becoming an old fart like me, whose learned from his mistakes the hard way. Not recommended.

The real problem here is you, I hate to say it. Your boyfriend isn't a blank canvass to paint onto. He is what he is, not what you will make him to be. Accept it, or move on. Your way, especially at your pace, lies ruin - and not just for this relationship.

Don't deal with your problems with AS in mind.
I have a mild form of it, and thinking of my difficulties as symptoms of AS has not helped me. In fact, it's impeded me - I started being able to 'blame' my troubles on that, and even when I didn't do that, the temptation was there to lay all my problems on it.

But that's not it. His behaviors and communications aren't simply because of AS - there are undoubtedly people without AS who also have similar troubles communicating, whether through life experiences, trauma, or even how their parents raised them.

My point is: Don't look at it just from an AS perspective; if you see a problem in communication and trust, talk about all the options. Let's say that you feel like he's not responsive enough when you tell him about your day; he doesn't ask more questions, gives minimal responses, etc. You want his input on your day. He doesn't think that he needs to offer input on your day. How can you say he's the one at fault and has to change? Just as you're uncomfortable with him not giving input, he's not comfortable with giving it. You're in the same boat. In that specific situation, it seems like you both would have equal reason to change; you might not be able to solve it outright, but even acknowledging it helps, in my opinion. Then try compromise. Or on this one thing, one of you tries to change, and on another issue, the other does. Just try things. Try to establish common ground when you differ. It's not that people with AS are different, that there's a line that inherently separates them and NTs. It's how people with AS see themselves, and how NTs treat them, that makes the difference.

Talk about contradiction, that there is the part you want to change OP. You will have to change too if you want to meet him halfway. That means understand that he can't change all the way for your communication benefits.

I was furious when I found out that I had AS.
I was mad at everyone and everything.
I even rejected coming to this website when my mom told me about it. I felt like I was an independent old man who was being forced to be put in an old folks home. (I'm 26)
But hey, I'm stuck with AS, so I stopped hating it so much.

A relationship is a two way street. If someone doesn't want to compromise or excel the relationship, that person shouldn't be in a relationship.

I've noticed in a lot of threads on this site, new and old, something that happens frequently. A poster discovers this site and they are so happy. They finally have something that gives them a little confirmation of their gutffeeling: Their aspie cares for them deeply.

This is a huge dAnd on top of al because some of their behaviors and the things that may have been said don't expressly support this. But once you view things through an aspergers lens you can finally understand the reason behind the awkwardness.

But then armed with their new knowledge the poster is now ready to fix their partner.I mean, we know the problem now. All we have to do is be literal and ask direct questions, and tell them exactly what we want. Oh and while we're at it we'll let them know that their brains don't produce chemicals and receive messages the same as the rest of the population.

Once they know and we know, everything will just be fine.

The problem with our thinking like this is that we forget the person also has a personality and other life experiences that contribute to problems in the relationship. So even if we are aware of the source of SOME of the communication issues this does not encompass all of the sources. And on top of suddenly bombarding our lovers with what might seem like more demands, since they never really understood them in the first place, they now have a bit of an identity crisis to deal with.

So what I'm getting at here is, in my opinion, a relationship with a person with aspergers, has to be for the long haul. It will take a very long time to create a safe dynamic with semi-smooth communication. You and your partner are going to have to exert a LOT of energy to get over all of the transitions your relationship will go through. All of this will take time. A LOT of time.

Which also begs the question based on your post here.

In a very impatient society where a lot of people want their chosen one now, will working out the differences with someone who has a personality and Aspergers be worth it to either side? After all, first impressions matter a lot too.

In other words, I think the part that is diagnosed (learning social cues, body language, logical empathy- the knowing what to say and when and other things that come naturally but we are forced to learn), has a lot of people lose their patience with us very quickly. Even the most patient and understanding of people get tired of it after a while. The truth is, the general population believes "You should have known and I'm not going to be the one that teaches it to you. I don't have time for that."

On the other side of the coin, we know we need the work done. But some might grow frustrated and isolate themselves for some reason. Their guard goes up and it's damn near impossible for others to get back in when this happens (trust issues maybe, or fear... can't be aspie related as others go through this too). I am finding with some of the private conversations I have had, and I know I am like this too, but when my guard goes up with someone, it might never be dropped for that person again.

You are right, maybe the demands have something to do with it as well. I don't recall ever placing any demands on any partners. If I did, I know the demand would be unreasonable and I would have to walk away.

I've taken the Myers Briggs before, and I am an ENFP, About 50/50 on the Feeling/Thinking.

I've known for a long time my partner was on a different "wavelength". I've talk to others about our relationship issues in depth. The discovery of his possible AS is the very fact that helps me in my understanding that he won't and can't change fundamentally. I don't view my partners a a lump of clay to mould. Individuality is important to any relationship.

Here's how I see it. I'm dating someone for for a bit. I know he's different but I don't know why. After we start to have trouble communicating and working through issues in our relationship. One day we discover he is deaf. Hmmm, how can we work together and both be happy. After years of learning we end up both learning ASL so we can communicate again.

Rome wasn't built in a day. I don't expect a hunky dory relationship tomorrow. I know I am excited. I'm more excited for the fact that I now feel we can have a future together, then the fact that "oh I can fix this right now!! !".

Am I sure I have the patience? No.

My boyfriend has told me about his difficulties with interpersonal relationships throughout his life. How he can "never keep friends". I love him. He loves me. We will try.