Totally not getting obsession with "relationships"

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Please take the time to read this carefully. I would like to see how typical or atypical I am. I know I've mentioned much of this in other threads, but the subject there was something else and so I decided to start a new thread just on my ideas and other people's comments on them. If you want to post something irrelevant, please do so in another thread.

For awhile now I have been sensing that my ideas on relationships are quite fundamentally different from those of the average guy I come across.

One of the ways in which I differ is in that I seem MUUUCH less preoccupied than the typical person with how long relations with the opposite sex will last. To me, I'm OK with a "relationship" lasting however long it does until I get bored with the other person (or until she gets bored with me, whichever comes first), regardless of how long that is, rather than having this normative idea that "staying together is good" that seems to be prevalent among some people. It ISN'T that I've tried to maintain a relationship and failed--in fact I've never started one--it's that I don't really have the motivation to strive for this in the first place.

I also differ markedly from some of my guy friends in my idea of what constitutes compatibility. The idea that a sexual partner should also be a friend in the sense of my guy friends, as in a person I would want to spend time with even if I weren't attracted to her, does not really occur to me instinctively. I don't mean I've never rationally thought of the idea, I mean it isn't a central theme in my emotionally ideal sexual/romantic encounter that I feel in my "gut". At one point I thought it would be good to have a girlfriend who shared my main interests, and was actually attracted to such girls because I thought that I could understand them well, but at this point that doesn't appeal to me, in fact it repels me.

What interests me about interacting with the opposite sex, aside from the act of sex itself, all pretty much has to do with attraction, whether it is to her physical features, her personality, her interests, her cognitive abilities, etc. When I'm attracted by a girl's non-physical features, it is mostly because I feel that getting to know her will "broaden my horizons", i.e. give me a glimpse of a facet of the world I haven't seen before, often one that I consider essentially "feminine". I don't really have the motivation to do this with my guy friends, but in regards to girls it greatly contributes to her initial attractiveness. It is a sort of intense initial passion and attraction to novelty that I seek in women, not things in common so we can sit around all day and talk about our interests. I can do that all I want with my guy friends, professors, research colleagues etc. I think I'm a little like the character of John Nash in "A Beautiful Mind" except not as extreme and not nearly as blunt (about requesting sex that is--in lots of other ways I'm quite blunt). Unlike him, I would ideally want to talk to a girl and get to know her at least somewhat before having sex (though I definitely wouldn't turn down a one-night stand). However, while he wanted just sex and I want passionate attraction, interpersonal discovery AND sex, both me and the character (I don't know about Nash himself) seem uninterested in an elaborate, drawn-out relationship.

I feel that no matter what girl/woman I would be in a sexual relationship with, and how well she fit my current criteria, after a few months to a year with her at the most I would be looking for someone else. While in my daily living routines I often like sameness, in the area of sexual partners my emotional need for novelty is so strong and runs so deep that I have the sense that the mere fact that we'd been together for a long time would make me "itch" to get out of the relationship. I haven't had sex, so I don't know this for sure, but I have a strong "hunch" that it would happen. I know a lot of guys are like this to some degree, but I think I would reach this point much earlier than many guys (WAY before even thinking of getting married) and would not have the counterbalancing urge to stay together that would prevent me from acting on this--I would just leave. Another, related difference is that I don't seem to value relationship fidelity nearly as much as my peers.

If I were to try to start a relationship with a woman closely resembling myself, I would have to do that AFTER getting to know and having sex with a lot of really different women, to the point where I had gotten my urge to "branch out" completely out of my system, to have any chance of me not getting "restless" and leaving someone with a lot in common. This doesn't mean that I'm a superficial person or that I hate women, just that a long-term "friend-like" relationship doesn't emotionally appeal to me as a goal. Some guys who hear my views on relationships are really surprised, as the people they know who think most similarly tend to be mean, arrogant a**holes. It's also not that I'm attracted to sexually aggressive women, in fact the opposite is true.

In case you're wondering, I haven't gotten these views from viewing lots of porn. In fact, I don't think I had looked at a single hard-core pornographic image until about two years ago, at which point all of these views were already in place. Before that I had never looked for porn, I had only run into some soft core nudity in the course of browsing the internet.

Well, I can't say whether you are typical or not, but you are the complete opposite to me when it comes to the women. That is not to claim I am normal, since I feel what I desire to be different from most males, NT or AS.

Personally, I dislike men and prefer the company of women or girls. In any relationship, sexual or platonic, I strive to make it as long-term as possible, if just for the fact that I hate going through the introduction and aclimation process so much. If i make a friend, I want to keep them around as long as possible, and it bothers me when I drift apart from people I thought were my friends. Also, I want the woman I am dating to go one to become my partner, being my intellectual equal, and having enough confidence and independence to have her own life and goals and career. I am a very passionate man (in private, no PSAs for me) and want sex to be more than just the physical act; I want the touching to be of mind, body, and soul. Being hypersensitive, I don't think I could have it any other way. When someone touches me physically, I feel it for at least 15 minutes later; the merest brush of contact with a woman can keep me stimulated for many hours afterward.

I want the conversation and common interests to attract us first, and then move steadily if not quickly to a more intimate relationship. I have only had success at this once, and we were together for 4 years before she left me; I'm still not certain what exactly the reasons were, probably a comination of a great many things, including her afraid that my condition would be passed along to our children, if we had any; but she also had issues of her own. We were at least 95% compatible, and were best friends as well, but somewhere in that 5% was something that drove her away.

So I can't judge whether you are typical since I am not, but I have a feeling we are on opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to what we want in the opposite sex.

Wait wait a minute.. you're talking about girls but you've NEVER had sex? It sounds like to me that you've abstractly figured out how you work but you dont have the experience to back it up.

Look all relationships have their highs and lows, and staying together is mainly about raising a family and having kids, you can't really successfully parent unless you have two people committed to the children.

Our society is kind of backward, compared to other societies where men can marry many women, or have concubines (breeders) explicitly for the purpose of procreation. The truth is we've inherited judeochristian value system and it's the normative principle of relationships whether secular people admit to it or not.

It seems to me modern society is pretty messed up my evolutionary standards. Why shouldn't a guy have MULTIPLE girlfriends at the same time? Girls do it all the time. Guys just need to take initiative. No one says you have to be in a relationship thats just some stupid rule someone made up, it's social programming you get from TV, your parents, the media, etc.

Yes, that's true. Ive abstractly figured a lot of things out, though, and consider my perception of myself quite accurate. In addition, even if experiences wouldn't back my predictions up, I still differ just by the fact that I don't ALREADY want an elaborate relationship from the start. I've talked to several guys about how their views on interacting with the opposite sex have changed over the years, and none of them report having been at my stage.



Neither having a family nor raising kids really appeals to me, and that is another way in which I differ from many guys my age. I am perfectly open to the idea that one day I might want to have kids, but I don't base the type of relationships I pursue now on the tentative possibility of something I MAY want to do down the road.



I agree that a lot of the ideas many people have about relationships are due to social programming. However, I still think that the basic idea of what I want out of girls differs at least somewhat from many other guys.

I only read the subject line and the first sentence of your post, but to answer your subject line: The reason is sex.

There are other, emotional needs guys look for in a relationship, but let's face it: Young men are bound to be horny. This is what makes the desire irresistible.

To long to read

First of all, love and attraction triggers a chemical response, 4 different chemicals (I don't have it written down anywhere nearby) and your perception of yourself may drastically change once you get an emotional response. (if you don't get an emotional response, then there IS something different about you.)



Second, you haven't mentioned your age, so what age is that?

It's not a question of getting AN emotional response, it's a question of WHAT emotional response. Just the fact of being attracted and interested in sex IS an emotional response already. The question is whether the response encourages long-term pairing or causes boredom and restlessness once the initial excitement "fizzles out".



21.

This is what I mean when I ask that people actually read before posting. Those who are disinterested are welcome to ignore this thread.

If you read, you will realize that sex is one of the things I DO want. What I don't get is the context in which many people wish to have sex.

First off, your opinions on relatonships, dating, sex, everything, change after you first start dating. you come to recognize the meanging of society's norms regarding relationships. For one thing, relationships in which both partners truly love each other will last longer than those in which you are simly looking for someone who is attractive. Love is not necessarily finding someone with your IQ, hobbies and experiences. Love is a feeling you get when you find a certain someone who, well, you really love(I realize this is an inadequete description, but there is no way to write down exactly what love is). A relationship based on love generally lasts much longer than one based on a few interests. Love is what makes good marriages and lifelong friends. Its what keeps you from getting bored with a relationship. Once you have love, attractiveness and interests fall to the wayside, and you are bonded with that person. That's why in movies a girl always falls for a guy who is nothing like her (vis-a-vis, west side story).

Now, to get around to answering your question, your views are typical of someone who has not yet been in a relationship, don't worry. Your first date changes the way you look at things entirely, and you'll have a better idea of what you're looking for and why. Its getting to that first date that can be difficult, and its a different journey for everyone, so I can't tell you exactly what to do. But once you get there, you'll probably see things from a different perspective.

(sorry for any annoying spelling errors, my laptop keyboard is very finnicky)

Well, I'm already attracted to girls who are essentially nothing like me, so I can totally understand that. Since I have a hard time seeing relationships lasting, though, I don't think I really understand what people mean by "true love". I have only experienced crushes and attraction.



I did not get the impression that my views are that typical even of guys I know who aren't in a relationship.



Who cares about spelling--you are communicating just fine and I'm not a spelling and grammar Nazi like some people.

Last edited by biostructure on 22 Jan 2007, 10:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

By the way, ThePhantomN, would any number of one-night stands (with different girls) ever reach the point where they would amount to this "first relationship" that you claim will change my opinion about attraction and sex?

I usually find myself obsessing about a relationship only when there are sex acts involved.
The sex is inextricably linked with the obsession. Lust, and all those crazy neurochemically related events can feel so overwhelmingly good, and I cannot stop thinking about this person who arouses these feelings in me.
I think why biostructure is "totally not getting obsession with relationships" could be related to how he has not had sex. Although it could be something more. For example, are you able to become emotionally engaged in any relationship? And I don't see anything especially unusual about what was wrote in the original post.

Goomba, it seems that you get obsessed about sex, not about the "relationship" the way I was meaning. Although I haven't HAD sex, I do sometimes "obsess" about girls I feel an urge to have sex and/or a romantic relationship with (due to attraction and/or lust). I could easily see myself thinking a lot about a girl when I first start out a sexual relationship with her, both because of the actual sex and the novelty of learning about the other person and the way she sees the world, both emotionally and intellectually, as we get to know each other.

What I was doubting I would feel is the kind of long-term, friend-like bond that many couples feel. These people are such that, when those powerful neurochemical sensations linked to lust and initial attraction (whether that attraction is based on the other person's looks, personality, talents, etc.) subside, as I expect they will in not TOO long once one truly begins to act on them, those people don't feel a strong need to find a new person to re-start the process, but rather prefer to stick around. Of course some people DO seek out new people constantly (it seems there are a lot of those in Hollywood ), but a lot of my friends seem to be LOOKING for something longer-lasting, even if they haven't even been in an actual relationship, while I don't feel any urge to do so.

Interestingly, I was reading this web page by an autistic man (http://www.geocities.com/growingjoel/feelings.html)
who talks about how he doesn't feel the desire to "couple". He describes it as not being able to feel "romantic love", while I think some of the feelings of attraction I feel would be described by many as "romantic" in nature, though I think we may share the lack of interest in finding a life-long partner.

You ask whether I can get emotionally engaged in a relationship--I think that's where it becomes difficult for me to tell whether I am different from my peers. I definitely do place emotional value on friendships at times, and this is because of the fun activities we have done and the interesting things I have learned (intellectually) from the person. I also like the fact that I can trust some of these people enough to discuss private information (though this is only true for my best friends, which excludes lots of those I enjoy doing various things with).

However, from my friendships (which have always been exclusively with males), I don't expect the "spark" that I do from my involvement with a girl. Therefore, my criteria are very different between friendships and sexual relationships, beyond the sex itself. I usually feel the initial attraction and lust most strongly when the girl is very different from me, in contrast to the situation with friends, in which they're intellectually the most interesting when they think and feel similarly (though not the SAME, that would be boring even for friends). Also, I like girls who are emotionally-minded and can help me understand both their own and others' emotions, which adds to the discovery process and the "spark", whereas I tend to like guy friends who are much more logical (again for intellectual reasons).

Sounds to me like you just need to find a partner who can adapt to your relationship style. There are some people who are capable of thinking outside the box when it comes to these things. My husband and I, for example, have an open relationship that allows for the possibility that one or both of us may feel a need for some variety or fall in love with someone else. We are each other's stable center, we share our lives together, but we do not see a need for that to exclude engaging in outside involvements and explorations if we so desire. Many other cultures have different styles of family and relationship structure; some interesting examples can be found in a book called "Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage and Why We Stray" by Helen Fisher. Look into "polyamory" or "polyfidelity"; there may be a discussion group in your area.

I conquer