my boyfriend is scaring me

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i can't really be myself around my current boyfriend. he makes me feel very insecure, but i'm not sure why. i feel like i'm not as good as most people at detecting early signs of abuse and mistreatment in a new relationship.

in the past, it was always too late for me when i realized that my boyfriend was using me as a mental plaything. i'm always taken by surprise when i find out i've been duped....I think most of the men i've loved got away with treating me like s**t because i failed their little tests to see how smart and strong i am. It is human nature for us to 'test' people we are getting to know in order to get a feel for their potential as friends/partners. Even the really good men lost respect for me... the nicer ones just didn't call or told me up front that their attraction to me was based sexually.

Well, i just can't take any more of this. it has happened so many times... at one point i was living with a FWB who abused me verbally/sexually/financially. i thought that if i could convince him i was pretty and clever enough, he would start loving me and ask me to be his girlfriend.

Well, the man I am dating now is giving me the creeps and I don't know why. I will describe the behavior that is upsetting me and maybe someone can help me.

-He is really reserved....not terribly self-conscious, just quiet. He doesn't enjoy talking to people and feels that he is smarter than most.
-He never compliments me. He awkwardly tells me that certain things look "good" on me, but that is it. He doesn't say anything about my art, my personality, my mind, ideas, or physique. He told me he thought I was beautiful the day I planned to break up with him because he wanted me to stay. He also said he feels socially inept and doesn't know how to communicate well... but he seems to know what to say when he MUST be kind.
-Sometimes, when I ask him a question, he sounds kind of put out, like I am just so stupid and I should know already.
-He never asks me questions about myself... he doesn't give me feedback on what I say... he doesn't offer emotional support or reassurance. If I talk about myself, he'll interrupt sometimes and talk about HIMSELF.
-Sometimes he disagrees with my opinions and he'll sound condescending about it.
-He never calls me because he 'is bad at talking on the phone', and when he texts me he usually ends the conversation right away with a one-word answer.
-He doesn't ever buy me stuff like he used to. He never tries to plan anything romantic for us. It's just terrible... we sit around and do nothing! We don't even have sex. We DO make out for hours... he likes kissing more than I do.

I'm his first girlfriend... he is young and inexperienced. I still feel creeped out, like he is just using me because he's bored/lonely and doesn't want to be at home with his parents whom he hates. I can't decide if I should break up with him or if I'm being sensitive and expecting too much from a twenty-year-old virgin. Please help...

Sounds like he's the Aspergian in the relationship.

Other than the stuff about seeming condescending, I don't see anything in his behavior that's worth getting upset about, but if that's how you feel, you'd both be better off if you moved on. You're stirring up way too much needy drama and that will not lead anywhere healthy.

Clearly you have some serious trust issues - I certainly can identify with that - but until you resolve those and find some self-esteem, you're not going to be able to maintain a stable relationship.

From your description, I don't see as much of a problem with your boyfriend, as a problem with your expectations. You can't find contentment in a relationship until you can find contentment within yourself. Try talking to a real life counselor, you can't get any real help from strangers online.

Good luck. I wish you peace.

Honestly, I don't think this guy sounds like he's playing headgames--it sounds more like a young guy who's maybe socially awkward and doesn't know how to handle a potential situation. Have you spoken with him about these issues? If so, what has he said? Keep in mind, also, that a relationship is a two-way street--it's not just about you but your boyfriend. Maybe there are issues that he has as well that he's not telling you because he doesn't know how to express them. I was with a guy who was similar to your guy; he had trouble communicating that he had problems with MY ability to communicate!

And I think your perception of his behavior is just that--your perception, based on experience. You pepper your writing with "he seems" and "he sounds so put out, like I am just so stupid..." or "he sounds condescending." I think it's the poor theory of mind that brings us down sometimes; I've been there, too.

Whether or not he's playing head games, I'm not really sure but you don't sound very happy so maybe it's time to take a step back and reevaluate what you want to do about it.

Have an affair! .....Just kidding.

I doubt that he is playing mind games. It seems that he doesn't naturally know what he needs to be doing for you.

You need to let him know exactly what you need. You may need to write it down and paste it to his fridge or post it into his to do list.

You need to be clear and probably persistent. Don't underestimate how clueless guys can be.

He probably doesn't need a lot of this reassurance so he won't naturally think to give it to you.

So. Do you have the energy & resilience to train him to be what you need? It could be a hard slog. Does he have the desire and energy to do it.
Are you able to get yourself to the point where you have more belief in yourself and do not need as much reassurance?
If you do not do that then you may be open to more manipulation & maybe abuse if you move on to another person.

Scaring you? Bit OTT that. I was expecting violence and intimidation...thankfully that's not the case.

If he's not what you want, and you don't think he will change, move on, but don't be cruel. You can't expect a cat to bark like a dog, if that is the case here.

Do you need someone to give you lots of compliments? I dunno, seems like you both have two different views of what constitutes a relationship, and how much social interaction you both need.

Read Willard's post; I think it's good. You can change yourself far quicker than change someone else, regardless of if you stay together or not. I wish you well.

Sounds like he's not the one for you. Testing people is natural, unfortunately, I personally wish I could un-learn that, but at the same time I don't. It comes in handy to weed out idiocy. And if it is childhood abuse issues you have, get help for that, seriously. I dated someone with child abuse issues, worst mistake of my life, although honestly I don't know if she actually had abuse issues or just told me all that for attention. Which is worse? I sure don't know.

He sounds like an Aspie, or socially awkward, and you sound like someone who got abused prior to the relationship. From an outside perspective, and having been in some form of relationship with a girl similar to this before, the first thought that comes to my head is "This will not end well."

On your side, it won't end well because of your expectations and what sounds like some anger over how your past went. What happened in the past, stays in the past now, doesn't it? I find the more I live on past anger or glory, the more I prevent myself from moving forward.

On his side: you make him sound socially awkward. If there is anything I have been forced to learn the hard way it was that I had no choice but to learn how to make people feel comfortable around me because I was not going to be told by anyone else how to do so. This guy will be on his own to figure out these kinds of things.

edit: I took out the last comment for a reason. All I have to ask to you OP is this: Are you feeling "it?" There are no words to describe that feeling. You just know it when it happens.

I don't see why you should be scared or creeped out if those are the only things he is doing that bother you. Like others have said, he probably isn't the right person for you if you are having so many reservations, but his behavior doesn't set off any red flags for me...it certainly doesn't sound scary or creepy whatsoever. Many of the traits you listed are standard traits of people with Aspergers. Have you tried talking to him about it?

I feel sorry for you, but I do agree with the posted above.

I just am not sure I understand. I mean the guy has Aspergers. What do you rxpect? Did you tell him what you want? I would suggest telling him how you feel and be very clear what you want.

Why does everyone run away when someone is inexperienced. Not sure why he is creepy to you. I mean does he yell at you? or treat you badly?

Honestly I would suggest giving him a break.

And for anyone on here telling her to leave him. That is insensitive and not very respectful.

I am not trying to be critical just blunt.

I understand how this guy probably feels. Maybe he is afraid to proceed. I say this because I had the same problem and it ruined my relationship. Am i bitter? Hell yeah. I cannot believe this woman I dealt with ended up lying to me over and over. And I feel like I was violated and abused. This woman had no respect and demanded to be right all the time. I could not take it anymore. She finally left me and made up some story about being engaged. I am now in a bad place but relieved at the same time. I am trying to figure out if I was abusive but I feel like she abused me. Yes I screamed at her a bunch of times. I was abused as a child and I just feel like most people do not want to be around me. It is extremely painful and I go into depressions where I just want to die.

I stopped sending her nice messages and being nice to her because why should I be nice to somebody who takes me for granted and disrespects me.