Just be yourself..

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We've all heard this sage advice when it comes to dating and just trying to make new friends/connections and all of us on the spectrum probably roll our collective eyes at this advice. We know we can't be ourselves don't we?

I remember chatting with my ex (who is a good friend now) couple of years ago about the fact that I was still single and he's managed to get married and reproduce in the short time we've been apart. I was meeting a lot of men but nothing was happening. He just looked at me and said: Whatever you do, don't be yourself.

He was right. But I like being myself and I like being myself so much that if being myself means I shall spend the rest of the days as a mad cat lady, than that's just how it is going to be.

I wonder what other people here think (and not the ones who are desperate for any companionship because obviously for them it will be priority to capture someone by any means available).

I think the trick is not to take that old advice in black and white.
Show your best qualities only would probably be more appropriate.

I think your ex's advice was glib and serves better as a very jokey and facetious piece of advice.

Because in real life, the price one pays for not being oneself is very high, in the form of exhaustion, deception, misleading people, and people getting a shock when you finally let some of the real you out in a big vent of steam.

I think it's always the best idea to "be yourself" while also remembering to maintain basic everyday manners and as much consideration for others as you can. Meaning that you should express your true nature up until the invisible barrier of stepping on a loved one's toes or not considering their needs. That's a spirit of compromise that even NTs have to operate with in the world.

And I do feel that if "being yourself" does wind up meaning that you're the crazy cat lady, so be it. But then, I say that as someone who has resigned myself to that, and made peace with the idea that my needs at my stage of life are rather specific and may be difficult for a potential partner. But I'd rather live the way I want to live than do SO much compromising that I'm not happy anymore -- might have a husband, but miserable in every other desire! If things are that unbalanced, nothing's worth it.

Two people trying to share life together need to make allowances for each other's needs, problems etc, but there always has to be a fine balance in which neither one is having to change so, so very much that misery ensues.

My advice in a nutshell: BE yourself so that in the long run anyone can see what they're getting and make their own decision. It's the only way to go.

How can one be themselves if one doesn't know oneself?

I find people are experts at fooling themselves, and it all stems from there.Of course, I include myself in that, a lot of the time.

I think that being yourself, not being yourself, being one's best self...does it really matter, when all is said and done, beyond how much it thinks it matters? Perhaps it's just an illusion that we have control over what's going on. We have such a strange notion of self, sometimes. We tend to think self equates to one card, when perhaps it equates to the whole flippin' deck.

Maybe some people aren't supposed to be in relationships at all, and maybe something is round the corner. Or not. Who could suppose to guess or understand anything?

You're always yourself. No matter what.

When I act myself I drive people crazy like Cthulu!

You know what, Being yourself, or being comfortable with yourself might be two different things. Who knows for sure. I will admit that I have become more Christian recently, but I won't push the God thing on you guys. I will say have some faith in yourself though.

I don't see the point in not being yourself. It's useless pretending to be something you're not. Once you are more involved with somebody, it will become obvious what you really are, and they will then dump you on the basis that your act turned out to be a lie. So you might as well be yourself right from the start.

If being yourself scares away 99.9% of people, so be it. Maybe the remaining elusive 0.1 percent will be attracted to your eccentric ways.

Of course, being autistic there is always the issue of being a bit of a chameleon. I do not consciously put on an act, but I bring out my sociable side to fit in with sociable people, and bring out my quiet side to fit in with quiet people, and bring out my nerdy side to fit in with nerdy people. This may come across as putting on an act, but it isn't. It's just me tapping into different parts of my personality when I am with different sorts of people.

"Just be yourself"
"ok. I'll hide a knife in the pocket then".
lol, joking maybe
I am myself all the time, but I've never been dating, therefore I don't know who I'd react in a dating situation.

Sounds pretty normal and healthy to me.

Many of us have had to learn how to adapt to fit in - this involves consideration of our audience. Females with aspergers are usually much better at doing this than males with aspergers, which I'm sure you already know.

Whether "just be yourself" is good advice depends on how literally you take it.

In a way, you have no choice, but to be yourself, at least in the long-term, because acting like someone else all the time is just too hard. I'm not sure about the "just" part, though. In important situations you should try to be better than your usual self. So don't just be yourself, be your best self.

Also, "be yourself" is not the same as "do whatever you want and don't bother to improve". If your current self is not good in some respect you can improve it over time. Then you would still be "yourself" (the new one), but better.

I can do this chameleon thing for a very short time with new people but even when I try really hard, I still come across as a bit weird. Or kooky. Like, I try really hard to have conversations with women at work about the stuff that they are interested in but it's so hard to act interested and sooner or later you find yourself with a nakedly bored look on your face - like being caught with your pants down. You know this is what happened by the look of betrayal and disappointment on the face of the person you are talking to. Or maybe they have just wet themselves and are feeling embarrassed? I am usually good at telling people's faces but I do get it wrong sometimes. I will often think that person is upset when they are not, maybe they are just tired or something, but to me they look upset. Or I can't tell if people like me (in non relationship setting as well as potential relationship) so I have to ask and even then I don't really get it because to me their faces seem to be saying they are unhappy about something but their words are saying they are happy. I love kids for this reason, they are really quite obvious and will happily tell you what they are feeling about anything.