Help Engaged to an Aspie.

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i've been with my fiance for 3 years and it's getting to the point where it's too much for me to handle and deal with. He isn't diagnosed but a lot of his symptoms show that he has some Asperger's.
For one, if i talk about something that happened in my day that upset me, he would talk about another situation which has nothing to do with how I am feel, it's his way of trying to understand it but it makes it very lonely for me cause in the end i just talk to my parents deal with it myself. I am constantly saying to him "what does that have to do with what I am talking about" and he has no answer for it.
The other factor is he hates loud noises and if there's some clanging of pots and pans or dishes he has to leave the room cause he says it stresses him out.
The other more annoying factor is that he is obsessed with this website of his, he talks about it 24/7, imagine 3 years of this, it's all he talks about, he is putting all his money and time into and not earning anything from it. He is unemployed so it's even worse now cause he wants to create a youtube show and he is obsessing over that too.
The other factor is that if i am upset or distant if i am not looking he will log into my facebook to see what i'm saying to my mom about him or anything in general, HUGE invasion of trust and privacy, he feels he is in the right to get away with it cause I am keeping things inside and not telling him about situations. And if i get phone calls and i am not around he will then reverse look up that phone number, ugh, I want to break up with him, i can't spend my life with someone like this, but his dad says for me to hold on until he his finished his university course which thankfully he will be done next month, but if i don't see any improvement and his website is too much, then I am gone, it's either his website or me, he has to choose.

One-word answer, from a female with AS and a struggling marriage to a well-intentioned NT partner: GO.

OK, two-word answer: GO NOW.

You don't have to be derisive and acrimonious about it. You don't have to tell him why it's all because of him and his website and his traits w, x, y, and z.

All you have to do is tell him that it's obvious you two aren't cut out for each other, that you wish him well and are perfectly certain he will find someone he meshes with better (even if you're not-- hey, there's a lid for every pan). Then GO, and BE GONE.

Don't waste your time and energy (or his) trying to explain or make him feel better or justify or whatever. GO, and BE GONE.

ETA-- Don't forget to return the ring on your way out the door. It's only polite, at least if he bought it.

Last edited by BuyerBeware on 14 Mar 2013, 12:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Have you told him any of this?

You might suggest that he go to student services and see if they could test him while he's still a student. If not you know at some point you should talk to him about all of this. To be fair he may get a job when he graduates or he may go to grad school. Not everyone can handle studies and a job. Frankly you don't sound like a good match but I would suggest you wait on breaking up with him until after he graduates so it doesn't hurt his studies.

his dad also said to wait till he is done school so i'm hanging on as best as i can. And i have told him lots of things in the relationship that frustrate me then he brings up screw ups from my past as a way of again trying to make me look like i'm the one in the wrong, the past is the past, I don't even look at our past i'm trying to focus on the now issues.

NT women can't stand aspie men!

And despite all this, and presuming he didn't somehow magically change for the worse after the engagement, you agreed to become engaged to him.
I will never understand people.

If he were NT what would you do?

Do that.

Exactly! If he hasn't changed, then something you were willing to overlook before you're no longer able to. Were you hoping to change or "train" him? (So many girls LOVE to do this...)

OTOH, I can understand the frustration... there's a world of difference between being unemployed 3 months vs. 3 years - especially if you're hoping for him to contribute to family finances.

An aspie obsession can be ugly when uncontrolled... and his certainly sounds like it! I'd recommend spelling it out for him in a letter. SHORT. SIMPLE. DIRECT. NON-HOSTILE.
Do NOT ramble on - your complaint letter should be less than a page long and be very clear what the problems are, why they ARE a problem, and maybe a few possible solutions...


Good luck - and thanks for at least TRYING to make things work! (I wish my ex had...)