Advice please, Married (NT-AS) when the going gets tough...

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I've been with my husband for a couple years now. I've pretty much always figured he has Aspergers, but he recently got diagnosed. We have a mountain of bad stuff happing in our lives with our infant daughter, school, family and money. It has just continued to get worse with one bad event cascading into more. He was an emotional rock for me when I was pregnant and then when I had post-pardum depression. Now though everything has taken its toll on him (and me). We are in therapy. Sometimes we are ok, for a little while, but its the in between times that are so hard.

He has started to shut me out more and more. Saying I'm not able to help, but not allowing me to try. Then when I get a chance to try it seems I make things worse. I happen to bring the conversation to what he sees as an attacking place (on him) or I'm too solution focused and he sees that as me saying he isn't trying hard enough or working on us. We don't get to see each other much for a couple reasons, which makes it worse. Then when we see each other there are all these expectations of him and me and the situation that I have. I'm working on those, but its so hard to let go and enjoy his company or be 'normal' (our normal) with our life falling apart. We pride ourselves on our ability to communicate with each other, but we just had another major blow to our family plans/situation.

I feel hopeless and like I should quit, on him and on me and on everything. Nothing feels like it is okay. I wake up each day to keep everything at least maintained for my daughter. Its all I feel like I can manage. I feel like I'm wearing a mask at work and school. I have practically no friends. No one has any power to make our situation improve.

My intent here is not to pry, dear one. That said-- we're Aspies. We need some more data.

What all is going on with your personal life??

What are the issues with your little one??

You don't have to spill everything, but it would be helpful (at least to me) to have the Reader's Digest version of this information.

Right off the top of my head:

1) Sick kids test even the strongest NT/NT marriages. The estimated 80% divorce rate for parents of autistic kids has less to do with autism, and more to do with how humans handle stress.

2) Whatever is going on, it sounds like you are both working from a place of depression, pain, and terror. If you were happy with each other and with your marriage before the feces contacted the propeller, this is probably not a good state in which to contemplate making radical changes to your lives.

This statement is not in any way, shape, or form meant to invalidate the massive amount of pain you are in. It's there, it's real, it hurts, it sucks. It's just that right now it, and not your collective better faculties, are in the driver's seat. Trust me-- I have made a lot of decisions from fear, pain, and anger that I would happily lay down and die if I could only take back.

3) Deep breath. Hang in there. Dunno if you are religious-- I am, though, so we're going to draw on that for a minute here. NeoPaganism has a neat little tradition about having a year-and-a-day waiting period before making any kind of committment that one has the luxury of delaying-- say, joining or leaving a group, being Initiated into a particular sect, what have you.

Some treat that literally as 366 days, others treat it more figuratively as "a good long time, until you know it's been well-thought-out. During this time, you're supposed to educate yourself, explore the options, and generally "sleep on it." Feel out your feelings, sit with your emotions, all the rest of that jargon.

I think it's a pretty good principle, regardless of what (if any) religion one adheres to. It's saved me from some very foolish decisions, bad choices, and other general regrets.

I will, I promise, get back to you Sunday or Monday. Right now, though, my husband has a muffler that needs strapping up and I've got four kids that are fighting in the playroom (not to mention going to slay me if we don't walk out the door for Grandma's the minute he walks in from work).

Hang in there.

I have been there, or at least quite close to the situation you describe. I was the AS and my wife the NT just like you. We had a quite difficult period of a few years, but finally did break through it back to a situation close to when we started with strong feelings for each other again.

How? Lots of communications. We tried conseling but my wife got cold feet. I stayed with it alone for a while. Basically you have to keep at it until both really understand what is going on and what it is like for the other. The emotional baggage has to be gone over again and again until each can let go of the pieces one by one. If both trully desire to make it work you can do it. On the positive side, it is such a relief to succeed and so enjoyable to be enjoying one another again.

Thank you so much... I've had sharing bite me in the butt lately. A lot of judgement and a lot of misunderstanding followed by my family left standing alone in a pile of feces.

SO...

We had our daughter removed in February 13' because of injuries that were (we finally have support for this statement by his therapist) caused by accidents with her father because of his body/space/AS issues. No one believed him and claimed he shook her etc. She was in foster care for 4 months, now since June 13' is with me, but he had to move out. With a diagnosis finally we thought the judge would let him come home, but no. She doesn't understand and thinks I am basically a door mat because I beg for him to come home. He has been couch surfing/homeless for 6 mo. It is miserable. His ex just used this to gain full legal/physical custody of his 4 yo who he will now not get to see practically ever. I've lost a step son now too

Thank you so much.

Both your comment and the prior one are helpful. With a limited amount of friends who are there for us now, it gets really hard. Its so difficult to think that it will end... I know it will, but each moment feels impossible to get through. Every hurtful thing is too much and avoiding it is the only reprieve we seem to get. Its never far from our thoughts though.

I know he is my puzzle piece. I just cant see how we will survive this.

The realization of the severity of his struggle with AS issues (at least in CPS's eyes) seem staggering and lethal to our ability to have an even relationship. Like where I'm not 'doing everything'.

Knowing some of the history I would say he has some things he has to take care of himself. He needs to see a professional and learn about Aspergers and how to manage his behavior. He also needs to work. I would be firm in under what conditions you would agree to let him back and have a time frame in mind. If he is not willing to do those things it does not sound good for the long run.

Its not that he isn't working on this stuff too. I didn't mean to present it like that Toy_Soldier. Its more that it is so overwhelming and that with AS he shuts down rather than trudge through stuff sometimes, especially since we are physically separated. I'm not looking to hear how he sucks, but rather advice on how to be patient, understanding of how this would effect an AS person and the like.

Either he sees it as obstacles to overcome and applies himself to it or he will see it as a disability and see himself as an invalid. From the sound of it he is far from actually being disabled. Yet it doesn't sound like he has a job. Was he able to work before he knew he had AS? Why not now? People who make no effort and make excuses are not to be understood. What is there to understand? Aspergers comes in a range of severity. He is far from severe. And unless severe it is just a set of tendencies and/or dyfunctions not unlike others such as dyslexia, ADD, etc which can be compensated for. You can't do this for him and coddling will not help. How far can you get if he won't even talk about it. But if he does step up to it, yes then give your whole hearted support. If he goes invalid by choice rather then necessity he is just going to be taking advantage of you. Like I said, this is not on you to fix. This is just my opinion. It is best to get a good number of opinions and see if you can make out the most realistic view.

Would it be possible for your daughter to stay with a close relative or friend so your husband could move back in & you'd be able to see her regularly? You'd probably be able to have him & her in the future as time passes & she gets older & he works on those issues & gets his therapist to back him up in court. Unfortunately the question your faced with now is which one do you pick to stay with you & if you pick your daughter(personally I think a parent should make their kids #1 priority & you probably already decided to pick her sense she's staying with you now) Are you willing to wait & try with him till enough time has passed for you to have him as well? I don't think any of us here can really decide for you so unfortunately it's your tough choice to make.