The lonely life

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I find it difficult to express myself. I often read blogs of accurate description of what I feel, by Aspies, yet I am unable to articulate myself in that same way.

I have asked out so many women. Internet mostly. In real life I had some guts to speak to some and ask them out for coffee. Yet I cannot secure a date.

In a social setting, that is supposed to be ok to socialize and perhaps get an idea of who the person is. I end up asking all the questions and all of my questions are questions I would be able to ask myself. It's usually like data collection. Name, where do you work, where do you come from. Do you like your work. Of course the other person isn't engaging with me so I'm the one who ends up asking questions.

Then someone else would sit down and immediately the person who I was talking to starts to laugh. So only then I realize that I might as well kept my mouth shut, because the other person was never really interested.

Then someone would sit down and be curious. And make statements where I would just shoot it proverbial form down.

I guess I'm not physically attracted to this curious person. I never say this, because it always feels like I will be punished for talking about my true feelings. Like I'm not allowed to have my own opinion and feelings. Not allowed to express what I believe is truthful about myself.

Of course I don't want the other person to get hurt. But it always feels like I am at the mercy of other people. If they like me, I should just accept it and be grateful because at least somebody is interested in me while I am completely uninterested in them. But I keep them around to quell the loneliness.

Does anybody else feel like this? Trapped and doomed to never be in the relationship that you want? And always at mercy and approval of others.

Sometimes, I feel that way with my wife. She takes me for granted.

I sometimes feel that I am "at her mercy," so to speak.

I took the time to look back on my life a few weeks ago and realized that I have settled in almost all of my friendships and relationships over the years. I actually decided a few years ago that I wasn't going to settle anymore, but I didn't realize at that time just how much I had done it because I didn't take the time to clearly meditate on the subject. What is worse: the sadness of being alone or the misery of being with someone that you settled for.