The state of things...

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I'm trying really, really hard to be positive, optimistic, to enjoy life as it is. And most of the time I do alright. But for some reason I'm dreading this weekend. I guess because my parents are out of town so I won't be visiting them. I just am falling into that longing again for a woman. This afternoon at work, my coworker called her boyfriend, just to ask how he was.

Such a strange thing. Not that she would do that, but rather, strange because I don't know what that is like at all to know someone out there is thinking of me. The women I've known in the past, it was always I who wrote or called, never they. I realize of course now that I was obviously pursuing something that was one-sided. I was inviting the hurt. But all the same, how I wish I could know that sensation. How I wish someone would call my phone, right now, and say, "Hey, I was thinking about you and thought I'd call to see how you were doing."

But I know I can't tie my life and my happiness to another person. I've got to learn to be happy as I am, so I can be ready to receive someone when I find her, or when she finds me. I've got to do a better job of that.

I had an unusual dream a few nights ago, which was a powerful one. I dreamt I was in bed with a beautiful woman. And I was trying to do everything I could to please her, but nothing worked. Then as we're about to consummate, she gets up and says she has other things to do and maybe we'll try again another time.

I woke up from this dream with a realization of how much suffering I've brought upon my self by trying to please others, to win them over and to curry favor. Growing up, it was how I found value. People didn't seem to want me for me, only for what I could offer, as a partner on a class assignment, or someone with a car. And this sense that I've got to earn people's affection has just carried over to my love life, which is just madness because how can you earn somone's love?

Yet I'm afraid, because I cannot quite quell that voice inside me that says, that I AM unloveable as a person, that I can only hope to find love by being more successful and making more money and trying to change myself from who I am into someone who would be worthy of love. I've got to silence this voice. I've got to find myself.

But until then, I've got to get through the weekend. I feel alone, and I don't want to be. But where to go? Even when I'm around others I feel lonely, as I'm sure others here have felt too, because I just don't know how to reach out. I fear it. I fear that people will see through me, will see me as I perceive myself...small, awkward, unsuitable. I know it is not true, but the anxiety and the fear of rejection is hard to surmount.

I'm going to try to think of something. Maybe even just go to a coffee shop once a week to be around others, but be in a place that is not so intolerably noisy. Maybe I'll find someone there. Anywhere. I want to find someone. I'm want to love, but am I ready? Will I ever be?

That was very well-written and poignant. I hope you find a lady to be with soon.

(((((hugs)))))

I still think that you should see a therapist, and specifically work on your dating issues with them. All of us on this forum can provide all sorts of conjectures as to why you are having so much trouble, but none of us know what you are like in person. A therapist could actually do "mock dates" and things and watch how you behave, and offer advice and suggestions. It might be helpful, it might not, but I think that it is definitely worth trying. At least then you would be able to say then that you have done everything in your power to solve your problems.

In terms of "finding love", no you probably aren't ready emotionally based on your posts here. But that doesn't matter! It is obvious that a large portion of your unhappiness stems from your inability to form a relationship with someone. I think that if you do find someone, it would drastically boost your confidence, esteem, and happiness, which in turn would improve your chances for success either with that person, or with someone else in the future if it doesn't work out. I see it almost as a catch-22 situation, you need to find someone so that you can be emotionally healthy, but you need to be healthy emotionally in order to find someone.

In terms of doing things by yourself, just go for it! I have recently been hiking and going to classical concerts by myself. I was a little nervous doing them alone at first, but I am really glad I have been because I have a lot of fun!

I actually did visit with a therapist for one session, but it was a tremendously negative experience. It was weird...it felt like I was takling to a robot. The therapist spoke much less like a human and more like a textbook...she'd nod her head and say, "Uh huh, it seems you've developed some coping strategies..." lots of lingo like that. Then at one point she asked me if I was attracted to men, and I said, 'No only women," to which she replied, "Really, not at all?" which was really rather insulting. Not that she would think I was gay, but that she wouldnt' take me at my word. Trust is a huge, huge thing in a patient-therapist relationship, and right there she made it clear she didn't take my word for for its own value. Later on, she gave me this "homework" assignment which was two questions: what kind of woman do I seek, and why?" I said back to her, "Actually I've thought a lot about this, and I could talk a bit about that now..." To which she replied, "No I don't think you'd give me a truthful answer, I think you need to think about it more." Again, ZERO trust. I mean, what kind of therapist, when her patient WANTS to talk, shuts it down.

Lastly, when the discussion came up about return appointment, she suggested weekly visits;. I responded that I had done very well with a previous therapist doing twice monthly, and it would be a better fit for my budget. The therapist replied she really wanted to see me every week to keep the momentum going.

That was the last straw. She wasn't willing to listen to me, and she wasn't willing to work with me on scheduling. That is a mighty poor foundation upon which to build a client-therapist relationship.

So I left and didn't come back, and it kind of dispirited me to look for someone else. But I may look again. I'd like to talk to someone about all this, but I need to find someone right for me.

You sound just like me, OP. If we weren't so far away from each other, I'd say "Let's hang out sometime".