Is long term relationship/marriage even possible?

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Hello people. I don't know if I come to the right place, I feel like someone with experience or a specialist should answer this, kinda hard to find on the internet these days.

I am a 28 year old male. Was diagnosed with Aspergers when I was 26, it was also suggested that I am a visual person by the diagnosers, whatever that is supposed to mean. I've never been in a relationship before, never dated. I don't have any friends and live alone basically. Every time I am around people and have to be social with them I just want to get away. Being alone gives me comfort, but at the same time there is some kind of boredom within me that keeps nagging. I think some of you recognize this. I hate talking infront of large crowds(more than 10 people) and experience anxiety because of that, but I can handle it between a few tho. I've noticed some women showing interest in me at work, in one of the cases for example, there was this girl that kept staring at me with a smile all the time for several weeks, but I didn't know how to approach her, so nothing ever happened between us. This type of thing happens all the time to me and that is what I need help with, some sort of guide that will eventually lead somewhere.

The question I have is, what are the chances for someone like me to get a wife with kids and start a family? I'm talking about statistically, LONG-term. Should I aim for someone with asperger's or without. What is the best option really?

Are there some good articles on the net or books out there that someone can suggest for me that will explain things about relationships and marriage? More of the easy-to-read type, and not hugely complicated, but I can check out the complicated ones too tho. But I really need the good stuff that WORKS, I've read so much crap on the net, that is why I'm turning to someone who knows stuff.

my advice to you, would be to concentrate your search for a mate who is NOT similar to yourself. an understanding NT [maybe with a few isolated spectrum traits] is the way to go.

From my own experience as someone who knows quite a few people on the spectrum, AS/AS relationships tend to work very well - personally, I know several couples who are AS/AS who get along very well and have been together for quite a long time. NTs in close relationships with people with AS tend to be patronizing sometimes and often lead to an imbalance of power. (though I'm in a relationship with an NT...but I don't fit the AS diagnosis completely, plus he is odd/quirky himself).

I would suggest that you start meeting others on the spectrum through support agencies in your area or ASD-run groups (usually found through meetup) to gain friends that are similar to you (I'm a psych student, and research shows that similarity breeds liking) Hopefully a romantic connection with someone on the spectrum could develop from this.

As for books - I own and recommend Aspergers in Love, which has a lot of personal interviews by people and couples on the spectrum, which will give you a good "insider's" perspective on dating and relationships.

http://www.jkp.com/catalogue/book/9781843101154

Best of luck!

i'm probably an aspie and I will have been married five years in may. he's a quiet NT. so it's possible.

Okey, a little bit conflicting statements from members here . But I'll check out that book, and tnx everyone for answering.

you cannot change your past nor the present but you can change your future. How you do that is up to you.

I haven't been able to change my future, but the future surely has changed me.

I've been in a relationship for 13 years, married for 9 of them and had various LTR before.

I was married for 13 years, have had many relationships that lasted more than a year, and am still in touch with most of my ex'es (still friends) I am a believer in open relationships, as they have worked for me, and for my partners.

So, thats out of the way... Looking at relationships in the culturally normal way may not be good. We're significantly different, and I think if we thought more about what we feel we need, rather than trying to fit into a model provided to us by society, we would do better.

Marshall Rosenberg has a lot of good things to say about this!

Married 18 years, don't know if I'm ASD or not, but my husband is pretty obviously mildly ASD.

People find their own yin and yang, and if the balance is right, any relationship can work. Its a kind of know it when you see it thing; difficult to describe in advance.

I think the biggest question on compatibility will be someone who is happy with the levels of closeness you are going to be comfortable providing, because while you both can make efforts to meet in the middle, if you are too far apart on it the strain on the marriage is likely to be too much. Even among NTs there is no single answer there, I know couples ranging from those who are together 24/7 and wearing matching outfits, to those who sleep in separate rooms and just have a "date" once a week.

Key is going to be to TALK about these things. Not right away - getting too deep on life issues on a first date would scare pretty anyone away - but as things progress and appear to have the possibility of becoming serious. It is totally normal to care a lot for someone but realize that you can't make a life together because the mundane things don't line up. When that happens you break up and truly wish each other well, or at least that is how it went for me.

So. You are going to have to TALK. Communicate. Share your needs. Reveal things. In the dating process, and while together. When you feel willing to do that, you can make a relationship.

I think LTRs & marriage is possible for anybody as long as you find the right person. We all just need to find that one person who understands our likes and dislikes and our own little quirks and loves us, anyway.

Data for men only:


Married/Cohabitating; Single; Widowed/divorced/separated

Autistic Men 30%; 63%; 7%
Non-Autistic Men 61%; 26%; 14%

source: http://www.hscic.gov.uk/webfiles/public ... OCT_09.pdf

but I can assure you it's genuine, I've read it before and it's mentioned as source in other studies like http://www.centralbedfordshire.gov.uk/I ... -31991.pdf

I got the table from a blog talking about this study: http://autismnaturalvariation.blogspot. ... y-nhs.html