What woman could love a guy like me?

Post Reply New Topic

As I begin the next stage of my life, becoming more independent and living on my own, I will also be trying to get out and date soon.

I'm just wondering what women could love a guy like me? A young man who receives SSI because of his disabilities, HFA, ADHD, Anxiety, Depression, and Severe Asthma.

I don't mean to be a downer, it's really just a question.

For the record, I do have some experience in relationships. Mostly from highschool and during a couple years beyond. Most of my experiences have been alright, and I learned that I have many good personality traits. But we were younger then, and we thought less about our futures involving a career and money.


If it makes any difference, I am a fun guy to be around, easygoing, romantic, and very supportive. I also have an income that allows me to go out to places and do normal things on occasions, like have dinner at a nice place, go to the movies, and I plan on working part time to have more money and to feel more independent. I volunteer as well.

The ultimate goal is to get off of disability and have a very successful career. That's a long road ahead though and nowhere near I am now, and just being logical, it may never happen due to the Asthma, although I am hopeful that my Asthma will improve. My doc put in an application for a new Asthma procedure, that could really help me out. Anyways, rambling now...

As long as you're asking yourself those kind of questions, probably not very many. This is very trite advice but it is true, you have to have respect for yourself before other people will respect you. I'm in a very similar situation, I'm 30, I rent my own house (a recent development for me too) but am on disability benefits. I have or have had all the conditions on your list (actually I'm not formally diagnosed with ADHD but I'm on the waiting list to see a specialist - I wasn't wrong about me having AS and I really don't think I'm wrong about ADHD either. Maybe my asthma isn't all that bad either). Nevertheless I think I can probably relate to you about as well as anyone can. edit: Although I'm not worrying about meeting a woman. It'll happen when it happens, I know I am not repulsive and that there are people out there who will be interested in me. It's important to know these things.

Here's a question: ARE you REALLY a fun guy to be around? Someone who is anxious and depressed is not necessarily the best company. Even if you don't act "depressed" then most people can still pick it up unless you are an Oscar-material actor. People want to be around people who make them feel good about themselves and normally someone who is depressed or anxious is not going to make people feel good; it's intensely frustrating, if nothing else, to see somebody in that frame of mind. Add to that the fact that people who haven't experienced it for themselves don't understand anxiety disorders or depression and so they have NO idea what to say to you. I'm not saying any of this is right or fair but things are this way.

Again this is incredibly trite advice but all you can do is take the focus away from other people. Logically you KNOW women CAN be interested in you because you do have some relationship experience. As I said in the first sentence, as long as the question on your mind is "Who could love someone like me?" then you should be thinking about correcting that way of thinking by means other than meeting women. The reason this is important is because if your self-worth becomes tied up with your relationship then when your relationship ends, so does your self worth and that is catastrophic; it's just not worth it.

Here's my take on why you're not meeting anyone. Firstly, the odds of any two people actually hitting it off aren't all that high. Some people hit it off with more people, you might not be one of those people - tough luck, play with the hand you were dealt. So, a large part of it is a waiting game. Secondly, while playing that waiting game, you MUST be doing other things which benefit you. Try and actually DO things, as hard as it might be, whatever it is that interests you and you think will improve your self-esteem. Even things that don't interest you, whatever you can motivate yourself into doing then just do it. If you're going to be mentally healthy and ever have a sustained relationship then you must respect your own self worth and doing things, even TRYING to do things, is the way toward that. You've already made a big step by becoming more independent and living on your own. You can eat, sleep and get dressed when you like and you don't have to worry about being seen when running around trying to find a towel naked after a shower :p Use that independence to make your life now about you. You you you you you. Not a woman you never met yet. YOU. People respect someone who at least tries more than somebody who doesn't. If you're doing something then when a potential mate does come along she's a lot more likely to be interested than if what you're doing is pining for female company which, as I am sure you know, is an immediate turn off for most people.

If I'm honest I am simply repeating advice I gave to myself a while back to you, as much to reinforce it in my own mind as to benefit you (although I hope some part of my ramblings is of some use). It's really easy to get obsessed with relationships but they're really not the most important thing in life and, until you have found the person who you are CERTAIN you will spend your life with, making relationships the most important thing in your life is a path to self-ruination.

edit: One more thing: I noticed you described yourself as "romantic". You might want to think about that carefully, women do not necessarily want a guy to be "romantic" until some way into an actual relationship. If you're being "romantic" on a first date then you're probably pushing people away.

I agree with the above poster. If you are asking yourself that question then probably not a lot of women will be.

I have HFA, ADHD, Depression, Anxiety, AND a recovering alcoholic and drug addict to boot. I had trouble finding women when I used to think thoughts like that throughout High school. I started reading self help books, stopped feeling sorry for myself and spent time really building up on my self esteem and my character.
I worked out, ate healthy, started just making friends, then female friends, flirting, building confidence.. Eventually that led to numerous dates, relationships, friends with benefits et cetera.

Oh and I'm also 5'6.


You will find someone. Just work on that self esteem! Take time out to work on yourself, then a question like the title of this thread won't even pop up into your mind.

I see what you are saying in your first paragraph and agree with it, though I don't completely agree with your assumption of me. I do respect myself, even though I fall short at times, everyone does. Now I realize that my post seems more down in the dumps emotional than it was meant to be. My original title, on a different forum was labeled "Disabled People, have you found someone to love? A Partner?"... And the message was different, and probably much better, after seeing the responses I've received there compared to here so far.

I would say I am more fun in person, and while I am not an Oscar material actor (That made me laugh), I don't come off as overly anxious or depressed. I leave that dribble for here:P... or generally speaking I get over it by taking a positive outlook and knowing it's just one of those things or days. The best friend I do have in person, mentions how I am hilarious and we are best friends occasionally, and of the other friends I've told about my issues, were very shocked when I told them. But no, not an actor worthy of an award or anything like that, I just realized one day that being very anxious and depressed in person is not fun to others, and I made sure not to let people see me at my worst. I try to present my best when communicating with others. Other than that, I really love to be around people who seem alright. It fulfills the social side of me and somehow among us good vibes spread.

The reason I'm not hitting it off with women, is because I'm not really trying to at the moment, but I still hit it off with one women, but we're too different so I'm the one who made the choice to just be friends. As I said in the original post, it is more like a plan for when I'm on my own, I am so busy now, and I don't intend on obsessing about relationships, been there before and yeah it hurts if things don't go well.

Yeah, I'm well aware of first date romance not being the right choice in most cases. I meant that for while I'm in a relationship.

Ah well, my OP didn't turn out as well as I'd like. I do appreciate your advice and I agree with most of what you said though, and MadeUnderground you too.

Totally off topic, someone with priorities, dreams and goals that they're happily working towards, isn't depressed.

Why would you not want to date someone with disabilities like yourself? After all, someone that is "disabled" isn't any worse than an "NT". Also, the disabled (like me) have lower dating standards, so it'll be a lot easier to date one of us.

I think the fact that you consider these your defining characteristics indicates a mindset that is not presenting yourself in the best light. Think about how you would present yourself to someone, say, if you made a personal ad. Are these the most important things about you? Are they the center of your life? If they are, then it may be a challenge to fit a relationship in there. But when I think of many people I know in good relationships or even long married, if you were to examine them, you could always come up with their problems or health issues to list, but they don't have it define their lives. Including people with obvious physical disabilities (that is, they don't even have to tell someone they have the problem, it's immediately evident). When I think of the people who are just going on and living their lives in spite of this, I can't even describe them in my mind as "disabled" even though it's technically true, it just doesn't fit. Then there are people for whom these conditions are the center of their life and everything revolves around it. I'm not saying that your conditions, even if you only had ONE "issue," won't affect your relationship and present challenges. But if the focus is you and the other person you are going to have a better chance, because the other person isn't going to want your issues to be the center of THEIR life.

If a friend of yours was going to describe you to a person they met who they thought might be a good match, would they describe you this way? I certainly hope people do not look at me this way and describe me as a composite of my mental and physical health issues when they tell someone about me. Focus on the good traits and make those worthwhile enough that the other stuff is tolerable. On top of that, having a steady/reliable job is always a plus in a relationship (note: not necessarily a "very successful career," hardworking and self-sufficient is attractive even at menial work), especially if you are considering a relationship with a woman who has/wants kids.

Your error is in thinking about a woman who would love a man like you instead of a woman who would love you.

A man like you could be someone else. Be the best you that you can be and look out for a woman that makes you into even better man than you already are.

Try and meet people with common interests.Than you have something to talk about.Even if it doesn't work out romantically with that person,you have a better chance meeting someone if you have a group of friends that like similar things.
There is a herpetology club that I have wanted to go to,the problem is it's three hours away and they meet in the evenings.Id have to get a motel room because I don't like driving in strange areas at night.Oncoming headlights blind me so it's really not safe.They used to have a reptile show in the fall on the weekend but they didn't do it this year.I would have went to that.
If you have any botanical gardens in your area, sometimes they have special events.Its fun to look at the plants,sometimes there are plant sales.A good chance to meet other gardeners.