Middle Ground

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Looking back at my dating life, there has been a polarization of women. I would date "good girls" who were uptight about sex and made you feel like 'a naughty little guy' if you tried to initiate anything. Then there were "bad girls" who expected you to perform on the spot anytime they wanted to have sex and called you gay if you weren't willing (basically, the type of girl that expected sex on the first date).

I am not into casual sex but I don't want to give up sexual pleasure to get into a relationship. Are there women who are not promiscuous but are willing to do fun stuff in the bed with their partner? My experience is very limited. I'm actually approaching dating for the first time in my life, and I am scared. I have always had either girlfriends or hook-ups (some of which turned into girlfriends, but were really extended hook-ups). Love with no sex and sex with no love.

Every archetype of woman you can imagine exists. The trick is finding them, which is what dating is all about.

I've dated women like you describe. They weren't uncommon 25 years ago. I can't speak to the current situation as times have obviously changed since I was younger. I have to imagine they're still out there.

What you're experiencing is normal, being scared or nervous about dating. It's intentionally opening ourselves up to rejection. On the surface these rejections seem to be the same as what most of us have experienced all our lives. This one is a bit more sharp, though; it tends to really sting when it happens. But it doesn't have to.

The trick is to not take rejection personally. A realization I came to after I was already married is that rejection is not about you at all. It's about the other person entirely. They are not saying "I don't like you," they're saying "I don't think you're right for me." In fact, they are experts on this subject and you, on the other hand, could not be more new to the topic (of what they want in a partner.) It's quite a bit like playing the lottery, actually, and it's seemingly almost as random.

But just remember to never take rejection personally because it isn't about you not measuring up to society as a whole, only to that one particular individual.

This is such an accurate thing to say. I don't understand why with a planet with billions of people on it do people think they can categorize people into a few boxes and that everyone will fit so neatly inside.

But on another note. If you feel you are attracting the same type of relationships try to evaluate what you may have done or are doing to bring this cycle about.