haven't seen Aspie guy in a while but can't tell what's up

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I'm F, 33, POSSIBLE Aspie (working on getting a diagnosis of some kind--it could just be an anxiety disorder, but I've recently tested really high on the Ritvo and AQ tests), and I've been dating an Aspie guy for about six months. In the beginning, he would never ask me out, said he'd been rejected a lot in the past, but we talked about it and he's warmed up in the last few months and has been able to take the reins to suggest making plans with me sometimes. He's made really good progress. He almost always says yes when I ask him out, approximately four times out of five. We see each other about once a week, sometimes twice. We get along really well, have two special interests in common, very good sexual chemistry. We have communication problems sometimes, and I probably want to spend more time together than he does--he needs lots of alone time, and I'm a little more clingy/sexually needy (typical female Aspie). But we've been really into each other.

Anyway, about a week ago, I asked him at the last minute if he wanted to hang out with me and my friends, who he's met many times, and he declined, said it was late and he was tired. That was fine. Then I invited him to another group outing maybe five days ago, and he said he was booked that night but he'd let me know if his plans ended early. (They apparently didn't.) That was also fine. He was polite both times, which is something he didn't always used to be, so I noticed/appreciated that.

It's been about 10 or 11 days since I've seen him, and I'd like to hang out, but I feel shy about asking for a third time and possibly being rejected! I'm actually really terrified. This is definitely the longest we've gone without seeing each other, and I'm worried I'm getting dumped, so I don't want to be a pest. I've definitely messed it up in this department before.

He did contact me quite a few times over the weekend, but never to make plans--he texted to send me a photo that relates to an inside joke of ours, and he commented on quite a few of my Facebook posts. So I feel like he's been friendlier than he would if he didn't want to date me anymore. I also know he's been working a lot lately, and he told me he can sometimes forget to socialize if no one reaches out to him. I'm just so terrible at reading other people, especially another Aspie. I've been analyzing this into a fine powder for a couple days now and tormenting myself, wondering what I did wrong.

Should i just wait it out until he makes plans with me? Maybe the issue was that I suggested hanging out in a group rather than one on one? Should I just say screw it and ask him out again? If so, do you have any tips about how to get past the anxiety involved? My anxiety is off the charts tonight.

Any help would be appreciated.

Last edited by hydrozoa on 04 Dec 2013, 2:18 am, edited 1 time in total.

Not a good idea.
We aren't good at making plans at the last minute. You'll probably get better results if you call at the beginning of the week with an invitation for the weekend.

Seems like you're both really shy and waiting for one another to make the first move when it comes to any interaction at all. Why not be the one to do it?

I agree with who am I. being asked out at the last minute to socialise with a group is really hard for me and a lot of aspies. especially if he was busy or focused on work of some kind. clear communication is crucial for a lot of us. if you are confused/worried try to talk to him and find out where you both stand. it doesn't have to be heavy or to involved as long as you both feel understood. good luck hope it works out for you both

If he's been rejected a lot, he may find it hard to believe you actually like him.

You may have to the ball rolling, but remember that you have to be clear with him.

Hinting around with an aspie will get you nothing.

My thinking is, if he is communicating with you, you are on his mind, so he has not lost interest in you. I don't know what the proper protocol is in regards to asking him to do something. However, asking him to hang out in a group is a bad idea. One on one is better.

Given what you told, I'd say don't worry about him dumping you.

He's communicating with you which means he does care, but also has anxiety about making plans with you or you putting him in a position he'd not feel comfortable in. And since this may be the first time he's ever had someone take a legitimate interest in him, it may take a while for him to open up.

Just tell him that you (and you alone) would love to see him again and give plenty of time for him to prepare, instead of anything last minute.

And be direct with what you would like from him, as "reining" him in doesn't come to aspires naturally.

Thanks for your responses, guys. I think I was asking him out to group activities because I was trying to save face and act cool, like it's no big deal, rather than asking him out on an obvious one-on-one date. But now I see how that might be harder for him.

Anyway, he commented on a Facebook invite for a cocktail party at my house that I'd canceled (I was feeling too much anxiety!), saying that was too bad because he'd planned on going to the party, so I wrote him and asked if he wanted to hang out that night just one on one instead, and he said yes. We had a really great night--he was affectionate with me right off the bat, which he never is, and we had a lot of fun bar-hopping. Big relief. Thanks for your coaching!

Best wishes to you two