Male Role

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What role are men expected to play in male/female romantic relationships?

It seems like every relationship I get in, women expect me to do something that I can't do. It is like I am supposed to be in charge and make all the decisions and be dominant and be in charge. Is this the man's role? I always expect the woman to be in charge because I am so passive. I guess I am asking what is the social norm in these situations? Even though every woman is different, expectations are based on social norms, and people get pissed off if you don't conform to social norms.

What makes this even more confusing is the equalization of power in relationships thanks to feminism. It is like women want some parts of the male role but not others. I have a feeling this is not just an aspie thing, but a social thing because the social norms have changed so much in past few generations. We are still in a process of negotiating new social roles as a society.

Generally, your average society will expect men to take charge in a relationship. As you said, though, many traditional social norms are being reevaluated. However, these traditional gender roles are not going to disappear overnight, and many people support them without even realizing it (i.e., your dates expecting you to take charge).

Society will always impose certain expectations on people, but it's always more important to be yourself. There's no point in compromising who you are if you will be unhappy for it. There are many bold, take-charge women out there...a woman like that would be a good match for you, you could balance each other well. I suggest that whenever you are dating a new woman, you let her know early on that you are more of a laid back, easy-going guy...if she's turned off by this, she's not the right one for you.



Some women are like that, but not all women. There are plenty of women (myself included!) who are fully aware of the implications of true equality. There are also plenty of women who openly enjoy the traditional gender roles you mentioned--in my mind, this is fine as long as the women were not forced into it by an oppressive social circle.

I hope this helps!


Edit:



D'oh! Why did I miss this the first time I read your post? My apologies!

Yeah, this whole thing bugs me and is one of the reasons my relationships have been few and far between.

Whatever.

Who knows, maybe I'll find a lady one day who's just right for me.
I've heard of stranger things happening.

I don't know what you mean by a "male role".

I'd expect a man to have a penis, but beyond that, I can't think that he'd bring anything to a relationship that I couldn't.

As for "being in charge", I prefer that decisions are made jointly. Or if one or other is "in charge" of some aspect of shared life, e.g., making sure bills are paid on time, then that is discussed and agreed by both.

A woman doesn't necessarily need the man to be "in charge", but very few want a man who waits for her to make every decision. It's an added stress in a relationship to be the one to have to solve every problem that comes up or to take someone else's burdens along with her own. In other words, your girlfriend doesn't want to be your mother.

Is decision-making a "male role" then?

I thought both men and women were equally capable of making decisions.

No. that's not the point. It's irritating when you live with someone who won't make any decisions and just says, "oh, do whatever you want." and won't take any responsibility for anything.

Notice Sacrip says:


It doesn't mean that the woman can't make decisions, but it is stressful when she has to make all the decisions with no input from the man. But the same can be said of a man if he has to make all the decisions with no help from the woman.

A man should...

... Initiate the relationship, so that she doesn't seem desperate.

... Ask for the first date, so that she can act disinterested.

... Pick her up for the date, so that she can judge him by the car he drives.

... Select the restaurant, so that she can tell him she's on a diet.

... Pick up the check, so that she doesn't have to spend anything.

... Select the entertainment, so that she can tell him that it's boring.

... Escort her to her door, so that she can tell him about her roommate.

... Try to kiss her, so that she can resist his advances like a "good girl" should.

... Call her the next day, so that she knows he's "hooked".

That's pretty much it.

I don't want to be her father. I want to discuss things and be equals. But some women get pissed off if you don't make all the decisions. Why should the guy take on all of this stress? I don't think that's fair.

What kind of decisions are you talking about?

Any decision. I think it is appropriate to at least ask what the other person wants. If a person can never answer that question, it gets on my nerves. It means that person does not have the communication skills to problem-solve or negotiate. That is something that is necessary in any relationship, but especially in an intimate relationship.

I think it's more an aspie thing because there is so much unwritten stuff in dating, and aspies struggle at times to pick that up. Also, aspies tend to want things black and white, and they aren't, and certain people here really take that feminism stuff to the extreme, in both spectrums.

Yes, it is nice to involve your partner, but sometimes people like surprises and having things planned out. One of my friends has dumped a few guys because they can't make plans, and default to her for everything.

For example, if your dating someone, and you know they like Mexican food, you could plan out an evening going to a new mexican place and suprise them. This becomes easier the more you get to know people.

The good news, there comes a time the girl is expected to do the same.

You can be a partner without discussing every decision.

... Initiate the relationship, so that she doesn't seem desperate. - god forbid she asks him out - he would feel emasculated

... Ask for the first date, so that she can act disinterested. -- see above

... Pick her up for the date, so that she can judge him by the car he drives. -- see above - god forbid she has a better car than him, his penis would fall off

... Select the restaurant, so that she can tell him she's on a diet. -- if she tucks in he'd immediately conclude that she is a fatty with no manners that will eat him out of house and home

... Pick up the check, so that she doesn't have to spend anything. -- if she offers to pay he will think she thinks he can't afford to pay and will feel emasculated

... Select the entertainment, so that she can tell him that it's boring. -- obviously she can't choose what they do and everyone knows men like to chase and like the challenge

... Escort her to her door, so that she can tell him about her roommate. -- if she invites him in, she is obviously a slut

... Try to kiss her, so that she can resist his advances like a "good girl" should. -- if she put out, she is obviously a slut

... Call her the next day, so that she knows he's "hooked". -- otherwise she will assume he is not interested and go out with someone else

That's pretty much it.

Yup

You are talking about taking turns leading, I think. That is cool.

I think I need a woman who will take charge of everything. I really do not know unless I ask. I am clueless in social situations. It has to be written down like a script or a computer program for me to understand it. If the woman takes charge, I don't have to ask. She will be more than happy to tell me.

That is the problem though, just as you said you don't want to be their father, they don't want to be your mother.

North American society is stripping away roles that need to be played. I suppose there is still a very traditional view of a first encounter or first date. But I've never dated nor would ever want to 'date' even if it were to come to me being single. My expectation is that if a man is interested, he'll show interest in me. That's pretty much it.