Acceptance and Denial

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Should I even be writing this? I have no idea.

I'll make it short and simple.

I've known a girl for over 7 years, and have been in a martial arts program with her for several of those years (not necessarily relevant). A while ago, I made a thread about how I sent her an email telling her that I thought there could be a potential of "more than friends" between the two of us. She wrote back, saying that she has never had a relationship (nor have I) and that she'd like to keep me as a friend for now.

......For now.

Those words keep echoing in my head. For now. For now. For now.

As said before, we have a martial arts class together, and both she and I are testing for our belts this coming Thursday. I really wanna ask her if she thinks there could ever be anything as "more than friends" but I'm scared. I'm terrified. You have no idea how much I want to ask, but also how much I don't want to. I don't want to ruin our friendship, but not knowing anything about this is killing me.

For god's sake, what do I do?

Stop analyzing.. Don't think. Trust your feelings and if they aren't returned walk away. Best of luck

If only it were that easy....

If I do it, it would most likely be over email again. Either I become the happiest person in the world, or I become extremely depressed. How do you walk away from that?

Slowly with time. Sometimes months friend sometimes a long time. I''ve spent half a year or more in pain but it does fade. I promise you in time even with the pain and the broken heart and the loyalty lost it will happen. I'm only 26 and I've been thru hell and damned if it doesn't burn. I have friends who care now but only because I have aimed to make many. So many people are good and bad remember you are strong. You cannot break the world but the world cannot break you. Be brave be scared and keep walking or limping I trust you can do this. I'm no preacher I speak from the heart life hurts just to live. But I've been through hell and I never gave up my morals or my beliefs, I'm here every stone is a stepping stone i wish i could have known this when i was 18 i wish to god i could. Life is pain and struggle but us we few weirdos we are used to pain and strong enough to accept it. I believe in you just because you are willing to comment. Lifes a biotch so grab a board and let loose. I spend my whole life afraid of what I am and at 26 I'm accepted. Maturity takes time.... Be true to yourself and as movie or bs like it seems it's reallly true. The hurt of now will not fade but it will make you amazing. Good Luck

That is s**t advice

What would you recommend, then?

In situations like these, it is important NOT to act on that impulse to try to get resolution. I know it is difficult and uncomfortable to have things up in the air, but if you push her, she will decide to just be friends. If she wants something more, she will let you know.

I am telling you this out of personal experience, because I have done the exact opposite. I couldn't take the uncertainty and I couldn't stop myself from pressuring her to give me some kind of response. The resulting uncomfortable feelings put a damper on the friendship.

Last edited by em_tsuj on 09 Dec 2013, 11:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

But....but...but....

The worst possible advice ever is to say some other advice is bad, without offering a better alternative.

I would not read too much into the words "for now". The way NTs use language for now could just as easily mean forever.

If it's any consolation I am in a somewhat similar position, though the object of my affections I have only known for about 9 months.

So, should I, or should I not ask her? It's killing me that I don't know what to do....

If you really feel something if it were me I'd would let her know that I do want more and I like her and want to know what she thinks of me. To be fair she answered I would suggest waiting a few months maybe more. And don't be disheartened if she replies the same way. As I said try not to analyze I've had that cost me more than anything else which is why I say don't do it. So many things can go two ways. If you feel ready for a relationship let her know how you feel.

Not to be rude, but....what?



She knows how I feel. That was part of the email that was mentioned earlier. While I still feel like something could happen, I've accepted (for the time being) that she can't have anything.

I know I shouldn't be doing this, as it's very rude as well as something that should be kept private, especially from random people on the internet. This is part of her email to me, copied and pasted.

"Relationships are not my forte – probably due to the fact that I’ve never really had one. In truth, I find that it’s hard enough for me to just make new friends. Because of this, well… I think that jumping into a relationship might not be a wise idea for me.
I guess I feel like a friend may make more sense than a boyfriend for me right now."


However inappropriate that just was, does this help with anything?

She did answer she doesn't feel right for one at the moment it's an answer to your question.

Is it an Aspie thing to feel the need to say things explicitly?

You want to ask if she wants something more. Others advise to ask her or tell her..

Have you ever heard of going with the flow... If you want to read on I have a personal story..

So there's this guy that I knew since high school. We never dated and many years (let's say 11 or 12) later he reached out to me to reconnect. We hung out, we enjoyed each other's company. I liked that he approached things mentally in an atypical way. I like that. I like interesting people and this guy was interesting.

Though I wasn't crazy attracted to him I did not find him unattractive either. I mean he was 6'2" 190 lbs that wen to the gym 5 days a week. But I didn't feel that immediate attraction.

I knew he liked me a lot. I did NOT like him a lot. I also did not "not like" him either. I was in the middle. Quite ambivalent actually.

But I thought he was a good guy.

Every time I spent time with him and his intellect would stand out or I would get a dose of his unique personality I felt more attached to him. I started to recognize that there were things he had to offer to me that I had not really experienced elsewhere.

So everything is going great (this happens over several months) I am feeling connected to him and now he IS attractive to me. I start to think about wanting to do non-platonic things with him. But I am not sure.

So of course he asks me if I want to be with him.

Now I have a dilemma. I don't know if I want to be with him. But I was considering the possibility of being with him. Now I am faced with having to decide to tell him I'm not sure right now or telling him No so he can spend his time on someone else. So... I tell him No, not right now.

So for me, right now meant I could not give a definitive answer. But if he had continued to be a good friend and person and I continued to have good experiences with him, I would definitely have escalated things to non-platonic and given things a chance to develop into something more.

So my advice, try to hang out with her. Be yourself. Create positive experiences. But do not cut yourself off from other prospects or opportunities.

If you notice a change in her (and I know its hard for autistics to notice subtle changes) but try to be on the look out for it. She'll sit closer. She'll touch more. She'll pause after eye-contact. She'll increase the frequency with which she says your name.. If these things happen, then try a small romantic escalation. A "friendly" snuggle/cuddle while watching a movie. Crap like that.

If you told her you liked her and she said she wanted to be friends only, res ipsa loquitur.

Often times, women say things like "for now" to try to soften the blow. In their minds, it sounds better than saying "no."

Plays havoic on an aspie brain.

Just move on and ask someone else out.