The girl of my dreams, but I need some advice (NT)

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Hi everyone. I am an NT (This is what I am told to use here) and I have been dating someone who has Aspergers for over a year. She is amazing and I honestly find everything about her perfect.

The issues I have is sometimes I worry that I don't know how to communicate things from my own perspective. I do feel that I try very hard for her, but sometimes when she is focused on something or has things on her mind I personally feel like I am forgotten. I have become more accepting of this now and it doesn't hurt as much. I have brought it up with her a few times because she does get easily distracted with technology and social circles.

This year long relationship is online and it maybe be some time before we can actually meet. I think with a year passing I feel a lot more stable in everything now, even though the wait to be with her is a very daunting and an emotional one.

When I say I think she is amazing I do honestly mean it. So I am trying everything I can to understand things from her perspective and to understand anything I can do to make things easier for her and myself. So any advice would be greatly appreciated. I will try to answer any questions you have, if any, and I will try to check back once a day.

Thank you for reading
Wal

Hello Wal,

As an Aspie who's been joyously married to my NT husband for 25 years now, I assure you it is possible for this to work out well.

Things we've learned: because I'm not a good communicator verbally, I rely on him to tell me what he's thinking and feeling as I won't always think to ask...although I do always care. My written communication skills are pretty good, so when I can't figure out how to tell him what I need/think/feel I've gotten in the habit of writing him. Notes, letters, texts, emails, whatever - I'm better at writing than talking, and he's adapted to that beautifully.

He encourages me (gently) to stay positive and engaged, and gives me acceptance and support when I have to shut down for a while. In return, I've learned that even when I have to shut the whole damned NT world out for my sanity, I can keep him close inside my "me" space and I can be alone without really being alone.

I think it's fair to say he's saved my life, as I wouldn't be the person I am now without the benefit of the last 2.5 decades of his company. When he's feeling a bit left out due to my hyperfocus on special interests, I depend on him to remind me. NT girls are probably better at picking up on subtle cues when their guys are feeling neglected, but I dare any NT girl to match an Aspie in loyalty and devotion to her NT guy.

Good luck!

My husband would likely be better at counseling you than myself. I can say that if you are feeling ignored while she is hyper-focused, gently let her know that you need some attention, and allow a time-frame for her to finish whatever she is focused on. If she is not mentally ready to be finished, your time with her would be shallow due to an intense preoccupation with finishing her work.

Thank you MissChess,
Sorry for the late reply, I have been really busy and did read your post but couldn't reply right away.

The first part of your post really made me feel hopeful. I hope one day she can say the same as you. She is an amazing girl but it is hard for me to understand things from her point of view. This has been one of my biggest issues.

I do think I should learn from your comment and try to communicate to her more. I think sometimes I assume she understands things that most people pick up on, but I later find out she had no idea. I think I personally speak with a lot of body language and subtle hints, but maybe these don't translate well with her.

I really want to have things work with this amazing and beautiful girl. She amazes me on a daily basis. I think it is just so different for me in dating her that I just need some hints and tips.

Thank you for your post. It is so nice to see that things can work and work in a great way. You sound like you both have found a perfect partner in each other and you're lucky people to have done that. I hope we can both say the same in the future.

Thank you,
Wal

It is odd that I read this reply when I was feeling exactly like this was happening. I try to tell her but I think sometimes she is so sucked in that even though she says she understands, I don't think she does because she is so focused.

I do wish sometimes she would get as focused on me. I know this is a very selfish thing to say, but I do wish it sometimes.