NTs and Alcohol

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I've been with this woman for almost 3 years. When she's sober things are good.
When she drinks it's like Jekyll and Hyde, she's horrible.

She lies, she says mean things, she picks fights with me, she tells me about terrible things that happened in the war (she's a Desert Storm veteran), she hints that she's done bad things that she won't talk about (I don't know what is truth or lies).

Is this just normal drunken behavior and I'm supposed to just dismiss it? Is that what "normal" NT people do? I usually wind up very upset and questioning the future of our relationship while the next day she acts like nothing happened. When I tell a NT what happened they laugh and dismiss it because she was drunk. As if you can say or do anything when you're drunk because it doesn't count.

It's all bizarre behavior to me. I have a drink or two and then stop. If I drink more than that I fall asleep or get sick. I don't go around being rowdy and stirring up trouble.

Honestly, I've become rather disappointed in most people as of late so then I wonder if I am expecting too much of people and no one will live up to my standards. Even trying to talk about this stuff up front seems to be a NT taboo. I'm at a loss for what to do. I don't want these episodes to continue, they cause me a lot of stress but whenever I bring it up I get a lot of promises and then it's the same old thing in no time again.

I'm going to be very blunt, but I have great experience in this regard.

This is what it means to do the right thing:
A) If you are not married, confront her, and make an ultimatum: go to AA or dump her.

B) If you are married, go to ALANON yourself, and learn how to free yourself from the pattern of codependency and enabling.

There is no grey area with an alcoholic. Only black and white. Alcoholism is a disease which left untreated will cause death.

Rule #1: Always do the right thing. Rule #2: See Rule #1.

How often does she drink?

If she drinks every weekend, she would have a serious problem with alcohol.

If she drinks every day or every other day then she is most likely an alcoholic.

Alcohol does different things to people. When I first started drinking, it wouldn't change me much. Even if I had 13 beers and some shots.

When I got on antidepressants, I would drink 6 beers and then black out.. With friends telling me I was talking to a cheeseburger or tried to pick a fight with someone walking down the street.

I was a drug addict. Addicted to synthetic marijuana and DXM pills. When I kicked that habit, I substituted that with alcohol and became an alcoholic.

Sometimes I was funny, sometimes I was mean, and sometimes I started bawling my eyes out, but no matter HOW I was drunk, I was still drunk/intoxicated all the time.

I've kicked that habit too almost a year ago now, (almost 10 months) and things have gotten much better.

Most NT's aren't alcoholics, so most won't drink enough so that it changes their personality. If every time she drinks, she changes, she is getting drunk.

She obviously needs help. If she can't abstain from drinking alcohol, maybe in patient rehab is the place for her.
If she can abstain but not for very long, perhaps out patient rehab is for her.

If she doesn't have insurance and/or can't afford those services then some sort of alcohol group meetings is for her.

AA, SMART Recovery, LifeRing Secular Recovery, Women For Sobriety, et cetera..

There's a lot of help meetings out there and she may have to try going to several before she finds one she likes.
The most popular is obviously AA, but that may not work for her (as it didn't work for me), but the key is to try.
There are many different AA groups in my town and I've been to every different meeting, and a few of the same several times in the last 4-5 months, but I found that AA was not for me personally. I prefer SMART Recovery.

If you find yourself in a situation where you want to point out to someone that they have a drinking problem, than that person HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM.

Don't believe them when they say they are fine and that they don't have a problem because if they really didn't have a problem, it wouldn't have occurred to you to consider even for a second that they may have a problem.

So step one: be firm about the fact that they have a problem
Step two: ask them if they are willing to do anything about it
Step three: depending on their answer either help them, get someone else to help them or leave

Wasn't there a saying that goes "the words and actions of a drunk man, are the thoughts of a sober one"?

No, that's not normal behaviour for having consumed alcohol.. and as someone who was a bartender for 5 years I've been around a lot of drunk people. It may be somewhat normal for a war veteran suffering from PTSD, though.

Regardless, it sounds like she's someone that just shouldn't drink alcohol, period, especially if she doesn't have the self control to just drink A drink or two.

Further, if it's a deal-breaker-big deal to you (only you can decide that) then I'd say it's ultimatum time: either she quits drinking and acting like that, or you're out. Simple as that. Personally, I couldn't imagine spending my life partnered with someone that behaved that way and refused to change for the benefit of our relationship. It would be a stressful horrible time of life vs. adding to one another as a relationship should. As for the 3 years "invested," it's a sunk cost - don't try to justify staying just because you've "invested," 3 whole years. That's a sure way to waste 30 years instead of just 3. If I were you and she can't/won't change, I'd pull the plug on the relationship and free myself. I'd be happier solo than in a relationship that made me miserable.

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No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

This is not normal drinking behavior. This is not because she is NT. It sounds like she is abusing alcohol to cope with PTSD from being a combat veteran. She needs to seek professional help. Al-anon might help you cope with the effects her drinking is having on you. They might be able to give you better advice than we can give you as well as ongoing support.

Your girlfriend sounds like my dad. He's a veteran, and he acted crazy when he drank, but he is a nice guy sober.

By the way, I have 6.5 years of professional experience dealing with people like your girlfriend. I used to work in the substance abuse treatment industry. Because I worked near a major army base, we treated a lot of combat veterans with PTSD.

If she's keen on mind altering substances, why not choose one that's healthier/better than alcohol?

ie Marijuana would be a much safer and healthier alternative if she's looking to cope with PTSD.

Or if she's looking to treat it, Psilocybin has been proven to work well. In a John Hopkins University Medical School study it was the only substance ever proven to permanently cure clinical depression in some cases.

I've never tried it, and being synthetic it may be riskier, but I've read a few times over that PTSD is being treated in various medical experiments with great success by MDMA. From those I know that have done it and described it's effects, I get why it's being used and why it works.

Just some alternatives she may want to look into/ask a doctor about.

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No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

I guess for me I just can't wrap my brain around why someone would want to do something that lacks all common sense like this. Hench I figured it must be an NT thing that I simply don't understand.

Anyway, I reached out to her sister briefly today saying I'd like to talk to her tomorrow about this.
Meanwhile, today she drank to the bottom of a 1.75L bottle of some kind of premade margarita cocktail she got as a Christmas gift from someone. After that apparently she staggered next door and smoke a joint with the neighbors but came home saying she was seeing "animal visions" so I'm thinking it was laced with something. She proceeded to turn on a hot shower and lay on the shower stall floor for at least an hour.
I was very concerned about my son witnessing all this and he clearly didn't understand why she was behaving like that. I don't want him growing up around this insanity. I texted her sister and told her what was going on and she came and got him and took him home with her for the night. She also offered for me to go along but I didn't want the dogs to be unsupervised in the house as I knew my gf would be passed out cold for the rest of the night...as she is now.

Apparently, she's scoffed at AA before so I don't know. I don't put much faith into treatment for people who don't want to be treated. I wasted 13 years in a marriage with someone who didn't want to deal with having been abused as a child and becoming an abuser as an adult. They sit there and go through the motions to appease you and nothing more. I will try regardless but I'm not going to hold my breath.