Tell someone at work you fancy them to get a rejection?

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There is someone at work I very much fancy and have done for some time. Even though I know fancying them is a bad idea, and probably can't lead anywhere, I can't help the feelings. The biggest issue, well not my eyes but is likely to be in her and her friend's/family, is that I am 33 and she is 10 years younger, though I do look younger than my age. There are some things that make me think she fancies me in some way, but I could just be misinterpreting friendly behaviour as such. We are both going to a Christmas Party next week. As I appeared to make conversation difficult I told her about my AS, which seemed to get a positive reception.

What attracts me most to her is her behaviour and also that she appears different to other people. I also find her physically attractive, even though she probably does not meet with commonly accepted norms of what might constitute as such to the general population. She seems like someone I feel I could really get on with and enjoy spending time with, and dare I say (due to the socially unacceptable nature of the comment in general) make a great mother for potential offspring. We sometimes chat on instant messaging on work computers, and she said to me people tell her she's weird. But she's not weird in an Aspie sense as she's very definitely socially integrated.

I am tempted to tell her just to get the feelings out in the open, my hope by doing so is a) there's a tiny chance we could date, or b) she would state clearly she has no such interest in me, and this would help my selfish desire to be able to stop thinking about her in that way. My fear is that doing so could damage work relations and our friendship.

I think if I told them in a careful way they'd be sensible about it and understand, though it's impossible to know for certain. A careful way would constitute of initially priming her for the statement by asking if I could tell her something that was probably completely ridiculous and that she might not like.

If you're going to a Christmas party together and you get on well, I would prop up the bar with her and get drunk on a one-to-one basis. If she goes the course (and doesn't run off for some girly reason), and if the attraction is mutual, at some stage in the evening you'll ideally snog each other's faces off, or at least have a drink-fuelled heart to heart about your feelings for one another. Obviously, the former would be the best outcome but the latter could also clarify matters one way or the other. If you're not sure how to proceed, alcohol is your friend. That's why NTs use it so widely in social situations.

I hope it works out for you.

I generally avoid alcohol and like to remain clear headed. Since I think both will be driving, I doubt there'll be much drinking anyway

Oh, well, you're on your own then. If I fancy someone, I get drunk with them and see what happens next.

I generally agree, but alcohol does give me unfounded confidence and thus the mental strength to do things I wouldn't normally do. If you choose to take this strategy, tread carefully and pre-plan so that you don't do anything too dumb.

I don't how age is a problem. My Aspie fiancé is 15 years older than me.

Going out to get drunk is more a 1 night stand.

But there is something to that. If your having a good time with her, ask her out after the party for a drink or something. I know sometimes office parties don't serve filling food, so you could ask her if she'd like to get something to eat.

I think that 1 or 2 drinks would not really impare you.

Those Christmas parties are now over.

We started playing Words With Friends on Facebook. I played the word "date" and quipped I would like one of those. She asked if I had met someone. I replied it was more someone I liked than had met. She asked if they came from the area I live. I said no, they were at our workplace. She joked that it could get complicated.

She made no effort to ask who the object of my affections might be. To me this means either that she knows it is her, or that she is afraid to ask in case it isn't her. I think the former is most likely. In any case I think coming across needy and giving lots of unrequited interest is a bad thing so I've dropped this for now and intend to pursue a friendship, however tentative, and while I'll always have these feelings tearing at me - I need to deal with them just like I have to deal with everything else.

I am thinking of asking her if she would like to join me for lunch at the canteen, though will be making another post about this topic specifically in the work forum.

It sounds like you handled that situation well. Good job.

This happened to me recently. I didn't think about it, I just told him the truth.

I got over it and respect him as a friend.

There is a further update to this issue. We were chatting again (instant messaging) and talking about how things were at work. Since I've told her about my AS, I brought up the topic. I told her I got the impression I made her nervous when we talked in the office verbally. She said I didn't make her nervous, but that she did not want to put me under undue pressure. I said that I may have misinterpreted her efforts not to put me under undue pressure. Asked how I might have misinterpreted it, I said words to the effect they might have hinted at some attraction. She said she was confused and asked for further clarification. I then told her I liked her more than I should, to which she replied she was sorry if she had led me on, and she was sorry it wasn't the answer I'd hoped for. She then asked if we would still be cool.

I then told her I had been subtle about the fact I liked her before, and asked her if she could tell. She said first she knew was when I had just said. I'd have thought playing the word "date" in a word game, and saying "I'd really love one of those " was about as overt as you could get without being obvious. I suppose at least this supported another tentative approach to raise the issue, and it makes it more black and white. Unfortunately, even though this formed part of a rejection, it reaffirmed for me some of the reasons I find her attractive - just like I am sure being friends with her always will.

Well, even if it didn't turn out the way you hoped, i'm glad that she gave you a blunt answer! Many of us don't even get that.