Why am I always the sensitive guy?

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Ugh, this is the (love)story of my life and I want some pointers on who is doing the wrong thing here because it breaks my heart and I want to know if I'm doing it to myself or the girls are just using me.

It always happens like this;

I'll notice a girl, who I see on daily basis either by school or work, one day showing all the signs of being sad, so I start talking and comforting them. It's always the current, "long time", boyfriend who they've got problems with and want to break up with. I'll listen and talk and go through all the stages of "try to work it out, everyone has problems" to "maybe it's time to break up", and after a couple of weeks they'll decide the relationship should end and want a "nice guy". Some break up, other's keep it going under "I don't know what to do yet, it's complicated". I try to keep my distance but or a couple more weeks we hang out a lot and there's constant insinuations that they want "someone like me", so me basically, and eventually I feel confident enough around her and my feelings start coming. Always around that point they all of a sudden start talking about some guy they already knew for a long time, and he's always another "tough guy", but "maybe he is the one" and for a couple more weeks I'm trying to fight my own feelings while I talk and plead to her about not making the same mistake. They always agree with me but when I eventually say "and since I'm starting to fall in love with you, -we- could try to build that perfect relationship we've been talking about for 2 months now", they turn me the cold cheek by a wall of silence and about a week later have to learn by whatever means that they're now in a relationship with "tough guy".

Okay typing it out I know the girls are just using me, but is it because I'm just stupid and let myself get used and need to change my ways, or should I stay myself because I will eventually find the right woman this way and I've just been really unlucky so far?

That is a bad time to approach a woman. She is not available for a relationship because she is still emotionally attached to someone else.

Pick different women maybe? Women who are not going through a breakup?

I have the wounded bird syndrome where I can only feel feelings for a woman who I pity. It never works out. For me, I have made a decision not to date any women who I pity (although that is my first instinct). I think if you find a nice girl, she will appreciate you. She has to be in a spot emotionally where she is looking for a relationship though.

They are using you as a therapist but that is unsurprising given that you basically go up to them and more or less say, "hi, I'd like to be your therapist". When you try to change that into a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, that always fails because nobody wants to date their therapist.

It's time to change your approach. Girls aren't looking to date their therapist so stop using that as your approach. Instead, approach as somebody fun to be with. Boyfriends are supposed to be fun, not therapy. Approach with something light and fun, not with therapy.

Spot-on! (been there, done that) I second that emotion. True dat.

I think there's something to be said about how after a break up, people don't often decide to take these rebound, therapeutic friendships to the next stage.

My advice really would be that you stop going for those girls who want you there right after a breakup. That might be easier said than done, but it'll help you avoid that kind of inevitable heartbreak.

Last edited by fondoftrees on 18 Dec 2013, 9:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The sad truth is, in my experience, if she's just broken up, don't waste your time unless your trying to offer her some therapy on her back.

I think this sounds like a poor strategy for finding someone. Sometimes friendships (real ones) turn into relationships, but I don't think someone who puts him or herself in the therapist role can expect that to turn into more because it's not really a mutual relationship to begin with. What it is is one person coming in and "saving" another from their problems because they like to feel strong and hope that it will earn them attention in return. Problem is, people tend to keep talking to them for comfort because they've shown by the way they act that it's what they're there for, not because there's something deeper there.

If you give something nice for free, many people will think you're just giving them something nice and leave it at that. Don't give people things unless you just want to give them something.

Yeah, guys never approach me... Especially when I'm sad.

Probably not the best strategy to be using when finding a soulmate...

Last edited by FluttercordAspie93 on 19 Dec 2013, 6:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It's not that I start talking to them when they are sad with the intention of eventually making them my girlfriend.

But I totally get what you guys are saying, thanks a lot for the advice.

Been there and done that myself.

Some were emotionally manipulative. I suspected the last one that did it started feeling guilty since she denies she ever used me and gets pretty defensive when I bring it up (yeah, somehow still friends). Yet there were details about the situation that proves that she did use me.

Be careful with those who aren't over an ex and have attachment issues. The majority of them I know will not be honest or forthcoming with you and you will disappear when they no longer want your shoulder to cry on. You certainly can't call them out as they know they will use their emotions (and possibly yours) against you and justify their actions in doing so. Of course, don't expect responsible behaviour either. You seem to have found some that were emotionally manipulative.

However, you have to keep in mind that offering her solutions all the time... isn't going to make her want you either. Women like to talk about their problems, but usually never look for a solution. They want comfort instead of hearing the "Why don't you just walk away?" spiel. I would also think that any guy admitting to feelings after she breaks up with another guy (especially when you suggested it) is going to look very manipulative on their part as well.

I'm not seeing how you were manipulated here. Sounds more like you failing your attempts at manipulation.

Nono, you're seeing it wrong, I have no intentions or expectations beyond "there's always a chance any woman you meet could be someone you end up with".
I am however baffled by how they can have such a "intimate" relationship with someone and not end up feeling something for the other, and even ignore that person when "the need" is over.
I've always been a "caring" person and somewhere have always expected to meet "my partner" I situation where I'm playing the knight in shining armour. But those scenario's are more in the "give/share a random lady your umbrella when it's raining" or "being the only person that stops to help change a flat tire" and in those situation I'll happily say I had the intentions to "create a moment to test the waters". But not when I'm helping out of wanting to "fix the sadness" and it's not -that- part of our "relationship" that eventually makes me fall in love.

For example with the girl that caused me to start this thread in the first place, besides the "boyfriend problems" we've talked about everything from our dreams to our history, our wants and needs, political views, etc, we we're even seriously talking about renting a place together for the rest of our study because she had decided she was going to break up with her boyfriend but doesn't want to live alone in a big city and likewise for me I don't want to live in a "dorm" with shared kitchen/shower and stuff and would prefer to live with, well someone like her. We -even- talked about the complications of love and living together and decided that if either falls in love with someone else (like that guy she had talking about), we'd finish our study living together first, or when it gets -really- serious, give the other person 3 months of time to find a new roommate, and if one of us would fall in love with the other, (where I blatantly said "let's by serious, it's going to be me falling in love with you", ) she said looking smilingly at me "that not going to be a problem either".

Then last week she said she had never gotten a love letter before, so starting out as a joke, I wrote her a love letter(email), and we joked about it, but as I was laying in bed that night I realized that letter maybe had more meaning to it than I had meant when I wrote it. So the next day I talked to her and said that I had realized the evening before that for me it's no longer "-if- I fall in love with you", like we talked about so many times before, but "-when- I fall in love with you", she said "I don't know what my boyfriend thinks of that" and since that moment she's been ignoring me 99% after school hours replying only in single words. The confusing part is that happened last Thursday and Friday, and we didn't have any courses on Friday, and I barely talked to her throughout the weekend and I had come to the conclusion "it happened again". But on Monday when walking into class she initially walked passed me to sit at the back of the class, but then came back, gave me a big hug and sat down next to me. The professor even asked "oh is that a Monday morning hug" and she said "no we had a fight" And that day everything seemed to be alright, she told me she had reacted that way because her boyfriend just happened to be watching when I wrote that, and that I shouldn't worry about it at all, but after school the same wall of silence happened again. So Monday evening (late) I send her a long message saying I realized she was still upset and knew I broke the trust of our friendship and was going to let her contact me on her own time and terms and wasn't going to bother her until then, and the next morning she replied with "hey". I knew she was staying home from school that day to pack, because she was flying home on Wednesday for the christmas holidays, except to sign off some homework assignments, but she didn't reply to my question if I should come to school when she was there so we could talk and say goodbye. She did reply to my message that evening wishing her a good night and safe travels the next day, saying she'd call me the next day.

But ever since she left she's been completely silent, she didn't call yesterday as promised, nor replied to my message wishing her a good night, even though I can see she's read it, so I'm reaaally confused.

I've got a million scenario's going through my head at the moment, from her not even wanting to be my friend anymore because I started talking about "love" in a "friendship", to her being in love with me too but having to process everything going on with her boyfriend first. (She was going to break up with him during the Christmas holidays, so she could come back "with a new start", but since I haven't talked to her, I don't know if she already did it on Tuesday evening for example before going home or what the hell is going on) and everything in between those extremes.

Sorry guys, this is turning more into a "share" than a "question".

1. She's not interested in you. She thought the two of you were friends maybe, but nothing more. She talks about other guys with you, even stating to you when you told her about falling in love, "I don't know what my boyfriend would think of that." You may not have picked up on this cue, and I don't think it's your fault. And usually, one word replies to texts or open ended questions aren't a good sign either.

2. She's talking to you about her problems because her boyfriend won't listen and you did. Doesn't mean she wants to leave him, but is thinking about it. However, its very clear she is still in love with him. She wants someone to listen to her, not offer solutions. Chances are when she talks to her boyfriend about her problems, he is doing the same thing as you are (offering solutions, appearing as if you're not listening).

3. Chances are, the communication and understanding between her and the boyfriend needs work. Why else is she talking with other guys about the issue she has with her boyfriend?

4. The love letter, and your confirming things is going to confuse her emotionally. As LeLetch (where is he now anyway?) said to me months earlier, you may need to work on communicating your intentions better than you did with this girl. When your feelings came out the way it did, she likely started to think you were manipulating her into breaking up with her bf so that you can get her. She didn't like this feeling and went distant on you.

I could be wrong about my guesses. But I do think this is very likely what happened with her.

We're always the hero of our own story. You may think of yourself as a "knight in shining armor" but does she? I can't speak for her, but based on what you've said, you come accross as less of a "knight" and more of a "guy with boundry issues."

As others have stated, your "modus operandi" needs to be changed. You're approaching women with platonic friend method when, in actuality, that's not your intent. This girl has a boyfriend and here you are professing your "love" to her (that's not how real love works, fyi) and hoping the relationship ends so you can get with her. Whether you wanted to or not, you misrepresented your intent with this girl and she has a right to feel upset about it. Your claim that she manipulated you is unfounded. You manipulated yourself into this situation so blaming her is totally unfair.

I've actually experienced this exact situation multiple times before from every perspective..........
-I've been the "sensitive guy" with an unrequited crush.
-I've been the one who was tricked into thinking someone just wanted to be platonic friends when that wasn't her real intent.
-I've even been the "jerk" boyfriend whom multiple pathetic asshats with a crush on my (now ex) GF tried to get her to breakup with.

Like I said, we're the hero of our own story but that doesn't mean you aren't the villian of someone elses............

Last edited by Geekonychus on 19 Dec 2013, 12:25 pm, edited 2 times in total.

But look at those eyes in his avatar! How can he not be a Genuine Nice Guy?

I've been trying to avoid having this become another Nice Guy (TM) thread. Inevitably it would become a 10 page semantics argument with people who refuse to "get it" angrily asking "whats wrong with being nice?"