aspie bf says, "how can i support you with empty words&

Post Reply New Topic

my friend passed away yesterday and when i told (wrote message to) my aspie bf, he did not comment/acknowledge it.

today i asked him how he could write to support girls who are down on their luck via facebook and not support me.

he asked how i wanted support and i replied, "say sorry for your loss."

he said, "that's how i support you? with empty words?"

i told him i was going home because i was very upset.

i realized on my drive home that i can tolerate his lack of empathy--and have been--and receive emotional support from other sources, because he won't change. or i can change my bf.

are there partners of aspies who find support outside of your aspie relationship? and how is that working out for you?

I have only just joined, but do want to offer a perspective for you as I just recently been through something similar with my wife.

What is perhaps not always apparent to other people is that an inability to use words to comfort you, despite being able to use them to comfort strangers is about intent, context and meaning. I wouldn't want you to hear learnt behaviour but feel something genuine.

Words are nothing generally, words are false and empty, actions are truth. We often forget that other people rely on words as social conventions dictate, even though they seem rather hollow.

Some people think having Asperges means having no or dulled emotions or being closed to them, but it is a lack of ability to fake emotion that is often the problem. If you really think about how often people are fake and false from moment to moment everyday.

"how are you?", "nice to see you?", "I like your hair" and yes even "I am sorry for your loss". Even socially expected fakery is confusing.

You are used to hearing these things everyday from people you know and trust but ask yourself one thing of those people who have wished you what ever daily greeting or socially expected response, how many do you actually know how they felt and how often have you heard the exact same phrase or similar repeated to you by people around you?

The problem in this situation is I would of course feel that you must be feeling sad, yes whilst not really feeling sad myself (sadness is not an emotion I associate with death, it has always seemed that people are sad for themselves. Death will happen and I also cannot get sad that it gets dark every night.) But also I would want you to know that I am not going to fill your heard with empty words, I want everything you hear to be genuine. It is often for this reason others can think a desire to be honest and to offer genuine condolences is a lack of emotion.

But again, if he is like me. Those words are because he cares more for you than others, not less. He cannot bring himself to use hollow phrases because of your closeness to him and how he feels, you deserve more than that to him. (This is often my situation anyway, I of cannot speak for him or others but as I am learning, some thought processes seem to be congruent across those "diagnosed")

As much as we need to learn to communicate effectively, it would help so many, if those listening could also learn to hear differently.

Generally unless I am in a conflict situation the words exiting my mouth have no value other than the factual expression of what I am discussing. No hidden meaning or agenda, words related to facts to express a concept.

Sometimes a Babel fish would be quite useful for us all.

Ask him how you can feel his support? If you can't use empty words to comfort me, what would be appropriate?

The answer might not be what you expect but it will be more genuine than any other expression you have had, because it is only for you and not something given because it is expected.

I cannot overemphasize how true this is for me as well. I can tell a white lie to a stranger or an acquaintance with no trouble at all, because really, they don't matter to me. But to someone I actually care about? That is infinitely more difficult. I can't help but feel that they deserve to hear the truth, even if a lie would probably have been more tactful. And there have definitely been situations where displaying sympathy would have been appropriate, but I didn't do it. Not that it didn't occur to me, I just didn't. Being disingenuous, even when it's for a good reason, makes me feel physically ill when it involves someone I actually care about.

I do, however, have a response ready for when faced with a situation that calls for sympathy, but I can't think of anything to say that won't be disingenuous. I just say "sympathy noises", to emphasize that I do feel bad for them, but just not in a way I can describe. Most people laugh, so I guess I must be doing a decently good job.

Last edited by Troy_Guther on 18 Dec 2013, 5:55 am, edited 1 time in total.

You really need to engage in conversation. You might have thought that him asking "that's how i support you? with empty words?" was meant rhetorical or cynical, but actually for an Asperger the question can be meant exactly that way and the answer should have been "Yes. I know that your words cant change anything about the fact that my friend is dead, but they remind me of you still being on my side, so I have lost one friend, but I am not alone. That comforts me. Just as talking to you helps me to make myself aware of my feelings, and organize them in this way. So even if the actual words you say, are of of no real help according to the facts of this situation, they can help me feel better again. It is not important to exactly understand how it works, but the important thing is that it definitely does work for me feeling better again, so I would appreciate you caring for it."

I know it seems weird, but actually we always see as logic, the way we feel ourselves. That noone needs to explain to us, but is naturally. I am able to talk, but it simply a bit more complicated for me then others. So someone expecting me to talk, when I am grieving about someone I have lost, was as if someone would come to you and ask you about doing math examples. Instead of helping me to grieve, it would in the opposite disturb me, because of me forcing to focus my thoughts on it, so it was a forced distraction on me. People trying to force social chitchat on me, while I am sad and grieving is an horror for me, even when I actually do know, that this habbit exists, because most people feel comforted by it.

If your friend actually does not know, then tell him, so he can know and care about it. I actually do care for my boyfriend, but for doing so I actually need him to tell me, how I can do that for him.

Thank you for giving me a good name for it after all these years. It can be filed now.

It's like a deep hmmmm, with a subtle throaty groan on my end. But it can sound similar to someone receiving an injection at the dentist unfortunately.

It would also be a great title for an album.

I think a lot of people who have ASD and are high functioning have learned to follow some basic social scripts AND are genuine in love and concern but tend to be quite literal. I think, too, that with people outside our immediate circle, there are more cues as to expected and desired social behavior, then when others get close, they expect we know them better. Which we do. But when it comes to voicing understanding of complicated, difficult emotions, the message is much muddier coming from the people who know us well---truly muddier, not perceived as such. So for example a coworker upset about a family member who died will look and act serious and sad cuing for closeness and offers of help and support and expressions of sympathy, whereas to the spouse the person who lost someone may act more confused or even show anger and seem to be signaling to stay away, leaving the person with ASD lost over inconsistent nonverbal and verbal messages.

The solution I think---wish I knew from experience---is probably more direct communication about what is wanted, but there isn't any guarantee both people will listen. Something like saying "I'm sad and confused and want to be close to you but not talk about this if you can do that for me it will really help me through this." Followed by a thank you. But I can't really say how well that would work. Maybe, though.

[quote="rokendearp"]

Death will happen and I also cannot get sad that it gets dark every night.) But also I would want you to know that I am not going to fill your heard with empty words, I want everything you hear to be genuine. It is often for this reason others can think a desire to be honest and to offer genuine condolences is a lack of emotion.

Very good insight, rokendearp, still, as NT, the death of a dear one makes me feel so sad, because I know he will never be back again, and I will miss him, whereas everybody knows that a night, however long, won't last forever, and the light of the sun will be back again.

@mounie,

As usual the second reading of something I have tried to explain seems both cold and lacking understanding, so apologies.

The fact that someone is gone is of course strange because that person is gone and that space will be felt if you were close to them.

I think my point is, I understand that people feel sad when someone they love has been lost I of course. Someone in my direct circle I will be devasted about the loss, but with strangers it is harder.

The closer that person was to me the easier it is to understand, the further away the more they become just a fact being communicated by someone I know and I may not instantly know what to do with the information or understand that the person was expecting consolation. (that sounds wrong again)

You do learn that situations require certain behaviour, but in order to not lie I tend to use questions as that seems to work well.

You must be very sad?
You must him/her very much

Or what I have found to work particularly well, as it both spikes my interest and seems to be more productive than condolences.

Ask them about the person and why they will miss them. It is interesting and can often lead to amazing anecdotes and you can learn something new about someone you know.

It makes me feel more comfortable than feigning sadness and will actually allow me to build a picture of this person and what they meant to those close to them whilst allowing someone who is experiencing grief to relive a more enjoyable moment.

Your aspie bf doesn't have a lack of empathy. It's just a lack of knowing how to display empathy properly.

I agree with the above posts, as well.


I'm a lot more empathetic than most of my NT friends when it comes to me dealing with my significant others or close friends. I've learned over the years how to display it so they know that I do care instead of appearing aloof or cold like I used to.

I agree with Rokendearp, learned behavior does not feel true, but can be an adequate response. I know I make the sympathy noises where it is important.

But sometimes I forget people grieve very differently from me. I love to share funny anecdotes.
Not so long ago, a friend told me about an acquaintance that died, while she just met him once just a few weeks before. She told me he liked extreme-sports and was a nice guy. I made some sympathy noises and told her it was to bad he had to die before his time and then asked how he died. When she told me he died crossing the street, I laughed, long. I know, very inappropriate and she told me so. But it is a little funny, that shows danger sits in the things, where we do not play close attention.

thank you all so much! Rokendearp, you lead this thread off with great insight and it truly helped. i relayed some of your insight with my bf and he says that you right on point.

i suppose my relationship is going a little backwards...i.e. i didn't know that my bf was aspie when we met.

so, eleven months later, now that we're comfortable with each other, he doesn't present information to me like you did, rokendearp.

and it is now, that i'm asking questions about his thinking. i do need more research and to ask even more questions to understand him better.

I agree with Rokendearp as well.

It's very easy to walk up to someone you don't know who appears to be sad and try to comfort them, but talking to someone you care for is much more difficult, at least for me, because the thought process of "wanting to do the right thing" is more much complicated.

A lot of times, how stupid it sounds, it's because I feel like I've said things before already, and how many times can one hold the same speech about forgiveness, friendship or in this case, the loss of a loved one without it starting to sound fake and "just something you say"/"empty words" rather than something I've thought about and decided on to be "-the way- to deal with it" after I already shared that perspective (a couple times) already.

In that kind of situation, I tend to describe my inner state to the other persons. If the situation happened with my girlfriend I would probably say something like "I know you loved him and you are sad he's not here any more. I wish you could feel better. Tell me if I can do anything to help." In my experience it is not as good as "emotional" support but it is better than nothing.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw[/youtube]

Every time I get put into a situation like this, this is the kind of mental ethical juggling that goes on in my head. Judging from the rest of the responses here, so do the rest of us.

Sympathy is false expression. Its the kind of social action you take when you want to seem concerned, without actually putting the requisite effort in. "I'm sorry for your loss" fits right in there- it just feels so abhorrent to say, even if you mean it, because its so flavourless and passionless. A transaction of formalities within social interaction. Same thing applies for "My thoughts are with you"- no, they're not, thats a blatant lie, otherwise you would be expending a bit more than one sentence on your sentiments. You wouldn't be getting on with your life as per the usual routine.

Empathy is where you attempt to emotionally engage with someone. Empathy is when you pour time and thought into helping that person out of whatever hole they're in because you know how to get out, either from experience or observation. Empathy allows you to come out with genuinely helpful comments and behaviours. When you're empathetic, the person you're helping can rest assured you really ARE on their thoughts.

After reading this thread I'm beginning to wonder whether the general perception about AS sufferers not being so great at expressing themselves is really down to a gross misunderstanding over what "correct" expression is, given that sympathy isn't really any kind of heartfelt expression at all.

For similar reasons, I find Birthday and Christmas cards utterly redundant as well- gifts can express a hell of a lot from a person, since they can be ...anything. It has special significance as something you think that person specifically would like- YOU thought of it. For them. Thats a good sign you care. A card, on the other hand, is more a symbol to designate that person as a person you don't want to offend yet aren't really inclined to pay much thought to.