Great match....on paper

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I would like a bit of advice.

Basically, I feel like I make a great match..."on paper". In other words, when I put into words who I am, what my interests are, and what I'm doing with my life, I seem to have no problems at all attracting women or getting dates. With the online dating thing (which is about all I stick to these days), I get all sorts of messages indicating very high levels of interest.

However, without fail, once anyone does get to know me or spends a decent amount of time with me, their interest levels seem to plummet off a cliff. It's not a matter of me being misleading or non-genuine either, I'm typically honest to a fault. The first few times it didn't bother me much, but considering it's been happening in the exact same way for my entire life, I really need to find some way to address it.

With the online thing, what happens is this: I will message with someone, and they will basically act like they're head over heels for me. Tons of messages, lots of complements, etc. One even said she had been looking for someone like me her whole life (but not in a creepy way lol, I have a few unique hobbies/lifestyle choices and it was in respect to that) . Once we meet each other and go on a first date, it always seems to go pretty well and always leads to a second one. They always seem to still be interested, but perhaps slightly less so afterwards (sometimes a lower message frequency/less content in messages). Then by the second or third date, they just appear to have no interest whatsoever. Afterwards they'll either "ghost" me (completely stop talking to me and ignore me), or send me a generic "you're such an amazing and nice guy, but..." message.

How can I break out of this cycle? What can I do to maintain that initial interest that always seems to be present? So far, out of the 20 or so women I've been on dates with, every single one has followed the exact same path outlined above, down to the very letter (even with the ones I met off-line). It's starting to distress me, because in many ways my romantic life is "on the clock", and if I ever want to actually get married and start a family, I have to start making some progress very quickly or I fear it will be too late.

Maybe you are giving too much of yourself away. From my experience with people you don't want to frontload them with a bunch of info about yourself, like your "dos and do nots" (or at least not all). Some individuals like some mystery, if in the case that I am right then maybe talk about something that doesn't really revolve around yourself so much and let them watch you interact with the surroundings. Some of the interest they had in you could of been lost due to this.

Just my two bitcoins, Maybe they're looking for something else?

It might be something non-verbal, is my guess. It could be facial expressions, body language, even the way you speak. I don't know!
Something that you don't make clear "on paper," or online chat, might be something more prominent and it might be off-putting to the girls.
Do you chat with them on the phone before you meet in person?
How long do you converse online before you two agree to meet?
When you meet in person, do you stick with the same kinds of topics from your online conversations?

Perhaps you happened upon a faulty batch of women. :/

Take it easy, man... Relax, allow a little extra time past your comfort level. Work with her clock, too, not only yours. It'll happen when it happens, and when it does, you'll least expect it.

Best of luck to you! You sound like an amazing guy [but...]

No, I don't talk on the phone before meeting. Usually we talk for 5-10 days before deciding to meet. In person the types of topics are usually the same, general "getting to know you" stuff and talking about various events that are going on in our lives.

It's so very fraught, this dating thing. The other points and advice were really good!

Firstly - online there are none of the usual social cues about a person; when you see each other across a room and meet in real life, you can see what you like about their posture, laugh, eyes, confidence etc. That means that online dating can be a huge mix, because your impression could be wrong.

Also - online profiles can contain lies, or in our case (those with AS), we don't express ourselves with the usual social codes and so it's a confusing message; people can also just make crap up.

Regarding writing a profile, you do want to show some of your best characteristics and goals for sure; but you need to leave a story to unravel; you don't have to be a man of mystery but people need something to pursue in conversation; so don't be exceptionally specific and detailed; and maybe even leave some good stuff totally unmentioned. For some crazy reason, the neurotypical way is to not brag about what you've done.

Regarding the dates themselves - I believe in general that people want to be heard, valued, accepted, and remembered. Heard - immediate reinforcement "that's pretty cool", "what happened next?"…. Valued - "wow, not many people can do that", "I really appreciate those kinds of family values". Accepted - "tell me more", "you sound just like me!"… Remembered - "hey, you did say online that you like…", "oh, that's right, your brother lives in…., have you been there?".

But also they want the opportunity to pull a story out of you. You simply must resist telling them everything up front in too much detail. Wait until they show intense interest in something and then spill your guts for maximum 30 seconds; if they ask a question, continue. People on the spectrum can waffle. I really have to watch myself otherwise people shut off and try to escape! TALK LESS. It's especially important if you are exceptionally good at something - let them be astonished when they find out the depth of your ability and knowledge. For example, if you are a state champion in chess, you do have to just mention first that you like board games.

Finally the key thing in a relationship apart from shared passion and values is a matching SENSE OF HUMOUR. To me that means that no matter what boring life you have, no matter how hard things are, and how much routine you're stuck in, you'll be able to keep each other motivated, amused, coping. Dating is about figuring that out - are we going to have some magic and shared sense of humour?

Build intimacy by gradually going onto topics that explore the possibility of a relationship. Usually that includes talking about their family (do they seem like a respectable person or a psycho who hates everyone for no reason?); talking about their job and friends (are they negative about everything, or are they optimistic and planning for the future?).

You know it seems strange to me that 20 girls would turn you down and you would like all of them. Surely there are some you don't like and were glad to finish with. You can't possibly like everybody. Maybe with some more analysis of your feelings and experiences you will be better at seeing who you didn't like.

At what point in the sequence of events you describe does the subject of marriage and children arise?

SydneySputnik hit it right on the mark...

You've got this, man, and don't let a few dates get you down. You've got the ability to attract them. Not many guys have that ability.

What do you think might be the case, Stargazer43?

Thanks for the advice so far everyone.

I don't know that being too forthcoming is part of my problem. I mean, my profile is only 2 paragraphs...just a general summary of who I am, where I am in life, and what my hobbies are. I typically don't go into many details at all until we actually meet in person, in part for privacy reasons and in part so we have more things to talk about.

Well I did turn down 3 of them, but I didn't see it as very relevant to my post so I didn't mention it. I'm very selective on who I do actually ask on dates, so if I ask them it's because I do really like them and want to get to know them better. I don't just stop liking them after 2-3 dates, unless I notice some glaring incompatibility or something off about them...you hardly even know the other person at that stage. So far, that's only happened those 3 times...one was extremely loud/obnoxious, one was bordering on morbidly obese (she hid it darn well in her pictures!), and one had some sort of obvious mental problems.



Never. I imagine that if I did end up in a relationship, those conversations wouldn't come up until we were together for a year or two, at the minimum. I mentioned it because I don't want to end up missing out on the chance...I mean even if I found the love of my life right this second, I'd still be ~33-34 before we actually got married/had kids, which is fairly old. My job doesn't make any of it easier either, they move me around the country every 2 or so years, so it makes it very difficult to develop lasting friendships/relationships.



Heck if I know lol, and so I turn to the magical realm of the interwebs! I think it is probably related, at least partially, to my difficulty in reading nonverbal cues...I literally can't pick up on anything unless it's extremely overt. Also, considering I've never been in a relationship or anything before, I sometimes just feel like I have no idea what I'm doing in all of this dating stuff...like I'm driving a car with my eyes closed or something.