28 & first date

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Hi all,

Background info

This is my first post (been lurking on and off for a bit and seems like a good community). A little bit of background, I'm 28 (born '86), was diagnosed with Aspergers (fairly high functioning) when I was probably ~10 y/o, wasn't told until I was 14 and my mum has been rather pro-active in helping me (mostly treating me as any other kid and helping talking with me about various problems). Because of all of this, I'm reasonably well adjusted (I'm working as a programmer for a world renowned computer games company and highly respected within it, I live with a couple of housemates and am rather independent, though I lack confidence in doing new/rare things, I am able to compartmentalize my insecurities or force myself to work through them if I've got time to anticipate the event). (... bunch of other issues not pertinent to this problem ... ).

I've never been on a date and never kissed a girl. I've got a few female friends (being in the games industry they don't come by too often) but even with them I've got little idea of what is socially acceptable. I've still got some hang-ups about physical contact (my employer would often give me a pat on the back and I'd flinch, I'm okay with it, it's just a little off-putting and I believe he understands that). I'm successful and reasonably well off (I'm by no means rich or wealthy, but I can live a comfortable life with my current job and have a few years of job security) and I've been told I'm attractive and am a "very eligible bachelor", so I'm not really concerned about my "value" as a partner. (I hope this doesn't sound like bragging, I'm just trying to give some background into my thought processes/self-image and I'm sure fellow aspies can understand how important full disclosure of relevant information is, I just hope this isn't "tldr" in scope).

I have trouble "reading between the lines" and I've got no idea how to play the "I'm going to say something provocative/combative and now it's your turn to be snarky/witty-aggressive" game that some NTs play (I'll eventually get these and can usually identify the combative/provocative games, but still have no idea how to react). Body language is almost indecipherable to me and I've got little to no ability to express it myself (I'm "okay" with facial expression).

The Issue

A friend of mine (I'm a groomsman at his wedding and we both think very much alike, he was diagnosed with "autistic tendencies" back in the late 80's/early 90's, he's a few years older than me and we share a lot of the same obsessions and need to say very little to understand one another, so I trust him and his judgement) and his fiance have set me up with a friend of theirs. We met last weekend (all 4 of us) for dinner and had a nice night. She was the first to say that we should meet up again some time and my friends fiance said that she thought that this girl was interested in me.

This weekend I'm meeting up with this girl (just me, her and her new kitten) at her place and then going for a walk together (she had previously said she'd like to have someone to go on walks with, and I love walking and talking about intellectual topics). She's intelligent (studied science at uni just for fun) and seems like a good match for me on paper.

Over the last couple of years I've been thinking of dating more and more (in the past it hasn't even been a consideration, but as time has worn on, I've been finding myself thinking about it more and more). Unfortunately I've got no experience at all in this department. I've never even kissed a girl before. My friend who set us up has now told me that, not only is she someone who often just does the "friends with benefits" arrangement, but he wouldn't be surprised if she made a move on me (which was heavily implied to range all the way up to having sex) on this "first solo" date (he thinks that this would be a very positive experience for me if it does occur and I'm inclined to agree with him).

My Concerns

I'm extremely nervous about this up-coming encounter (I'm sure even an NT in my situation would be as well) and I'm not sure on how to approach this. I don't have a clue how to show interest (and what is appropriate and when it is) and am extremely nervous about the first kiss (how to go about it, tongue, saliva, teeth, playing with lips, etc). I also have no idea what areas of conversation I should focus on (and I don't really understand small-talk, yes the weather is hot, either get to a juicy conversation or I'll tune out), whether I should inform her of my aspergers (even if it's just mentioning something like being unable to grasp subtlety, all the way up to a full admission of my condition, right now I'm thinking if it comes up I should offer a little bit of information, hint at there being more and see how she reacts).

Thanks for reading (once again I apologize for the length) and I'd greatly appreciate any advice in these areas (links to threads/articles more than welcome).

P.S. I've got one more day before the date (I originally wrote event, but I need to make myself accept this and see it as a date) and I've been searching the forums already but haven't found too much that's really helpful so far (my google-fu seems to be lacking ATM).

As someone who didn't go on their first date until 29, all I can say is RELAX and don't take it personally or too seriously. Just be your (best) self and if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. I completely missed all the signs that she wanted to hold hands, was into me, etc and at the end of the night, I just decided to go for the kiss: if I was wrong than it wouldn't have been the first time but it turns out that's exactly what she wanted.

You'll be fine. The worst possible thing you can do for yourself is overthink things. Just go and hangout with her and see where things go.

As for your inexperience and social difficulties.......Don't disclose on the first date. You'll give this girl the impression that you're hungup on it. For the first few dates I usually use the code words "socially awkward", "geeky", "bad with signals", or "shy around new people." It takes a lot of pressure off of both parties as they don't go in expecting some uberconfident casanova and also don't feel like we need to work too hard to impress each other.

TIP: Tell this girl on the first date "I should warn you I'm quite awkward and shy around new people" and do it with a smile and/or humor. About 90% of the time the girl will say something like "don't worry, I'm awkward too." Most of the stigma of being socially awkward goes away when it's clear you're ok with it. Seriously, it's like magic.

If I was in your position there are a few things I'd want to hear.
1. Shave, bath, pluck nose hairs, make sure hair is tidy, generally be clean.
2. Wear something nice, if you don't know what that is ask a young woman any will do if they are at a clothing store or a sister is what I do personally.
3. Have a glass of something alcoholic quickly! Don't get drunk! Just one small glass of something and then water until the buzz fades then one more small glass.
4. Remember the date is to get to know them and see if you DO like them not to confirm anything it's to learn instead.
5. Be yourself, and make sure you're on your best behavior.
6. You're old fashioned King pull out her chair and remember to put napkin in your lap and pay for the date no matter how it goes (unless she asks to pay her half)
7. Have fun. That's what dates are about.

Thanks for the info so far guys, all good tips (I don't think KingofKaboom's 6th point will be an issue, but if we do end up stopping somewhere I'll definitely keep it in mind, actually there's a good looking coffee shop locally so maybe I'll try to steer us towards that for lunch).

Geekonychus, your "warn ... akwward .. shy" suggestion is great, sounds rather "light" and that I don't have any real hang-ups on it, and will probably help defuses a fair bit of my anxiety.

Thanks for the advice so far.

i am very sorry to tell you that you'll never have nothing if you don't try it out.

so, brace yourself and just go for it!

even if it fails you'll have more expierence, and that is of great value.

Paukipaul, that's exactly my thoughts. Although I never even considered dating earlier in life (in fact, a girl once asked me out in high-school, i laughed and the absurdity of me dating anyone and told her no, in hindsight I feel quite bad about laughing "at" her, but not much I can do now but learn from that mistake), I now do regret that I've missed the knowledge/experience those events would have imparted.

There's so much to gain and pretty much nothing to lose (as long as I'm realistic and don't get hung up about it if it does fail). Even if I make an utter fool of myself, I'll have more experience and only 2 of 7 billion people will ever really notice/remember (and possibly/probably less).

Yeah, you know, like most people here iv'e been trough dating hell and back, and now as i get older i have learned a little bit.

one thing is, there is always a chance that a partner just likes you the way you are.

and second: you really really really have to grit your teeth and step over your borders. that is the only way to learn the nt ways.

if your never cross your good-feeling-borders, than never ever will you find some happiness with another person.

so, just do it, and then report back and tell how it went for all the others who have the same problem.

Back in my thirties I met a nice woman about my same age. We ended up sleeping together on our first date. She had slept with less than half a dozen different people her entire life and same with me. We both were looking for someone and it just felt right. And we were together the better part of two years.

All the same, I sometimes wish I would have had the skill, maybe speaking quietly as we kissed and made out, "it's better if we wait," and then, "it's sexier if we wait."

I guess it's good having both skills.

And some dates just end with a kiss on the cheek, or a chaste kiss on the mouth. And that's fine, too. It's just a more gradual beginning.

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Geekonychus recommends, "I should warn you I'm quite awkward and shy around new people." I like this, too. And maybe if the conversation comes back to this or on another occasion, you can tell her your a nerd and give her one example, and then she might offer one example about herself of at least nerd-friendly behavior. Then the third time, you might ask her something like, now, you're heard that Asperger's and autism is a spectrum, right? extending all the way to and blurring into normal. And you know that certain famous people have been on the spectrum, not that a person has to be famous to be appreciated and liked . . . . And she might pick up on this at any point. And all this is light and conversational, and potentially very interesting.

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And because I like pointing out the obvious and because it helps me relax, since you're meeting her at her home, you don't want to be early in case she's a little late getting ready. Ideally, you want to be just 5 to 10 minutes late. If you're going to be more than like 12 minutes late, you might want to give her a quick phone call to let her know. Casual, but likely she'll still appreciate it.

In a relationship, even with someone I really like, I still need to take time for myself. And it's taken me a couple of times to figure this out.

If I start feeling trapped, if I feel the need to run wild, to do my own thing without explaining to anyone what I'm doing or done, even if it's something as simple as hitting the university library, hitting some re-sale shops, etc, etc, etc, it's not good for my frame of mind, it's not good for me as a human being to ignore that for too long.

Including with someone I really, really like and that's the tricky part.