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Does this sound like Asperger's to you? My husband was recently diagnosed with ADD and depression but is not taking his meds. I am beginning to believe that he may have Asperger's but we are between counselors and I am going absolutely crazy, especially with the way he relates (or doesn't relate) to our 17 mo old son.

When I tell him not to leave steak knives within the baby's reach, etc., he says that I am obsessive and "making mountains out of molehills." He does not believe me when I explain that you cannot put food straight from the microwave into the baby's mouth, even when the baby screams and tries to spit the food out. He says he is overwhelmed by my "rules," as if I were the one who made up that you shouldn't leave a crawling baby alone on a picnic table at the park.
I met him when he was in his late 40's, and everyone he knew said they couldn't believe that he was actually in a relationship, that he was actually getting married, becoming a father, etc. He spent much of his life alone or with his immediate family, working in a very solitary job with little social interaction.
When we were dating, he would often say very rude things unknowingly, and keep saying similar things even after I'd explain to him in great detail that I didn't like it. At first I thought he was doing it on purpose! While we were in premarital counseling, the counselor even tried to explain my feelings to him, but it was like talking to a brick wall. That counselor basically washed his hands of us. Our marriage counselor suspected ADD and had him tested for that.

I knew that he has a difficult personality, but my mother does as well so I was used to it. But now that we have a baby, everything is magnified. He keeps blaming me for everything, even though he is the one who is endangering our son. No amount of explaining seems to help. In the course of our marriage, he has said that I have anger management issues, I am obsessive, I have control issues. The funny thing is that it seems to me that HE is the one with these problems.
Does this sound like Asperger's to anyone? Please help! I am at my wit's end. I am sooo stress out and I don't know where to turn.

Sounds more like "deadbeat dad" syndrome to me.

If he has been isolated that much then it could a severe case of Asperges, the inability to relate is more the immediate factor. If he gets testy because people can't understand complex tasks as easily as he does because he doesn't know why they aren't as smart as him then he definitly would have it.

Hello laplantain,

This is what I think. I think that maybe you should look up a psychologist that is familiar with Autism in adults because this sounds vaguely familiar to me. My ex-husband is Autistic, too and what always appeared to me as indifferent or uncaring was not that at all. He becomes overwhelmed easily and while we were married, we had alot of problems. If only we would have known about Autism back then we could have made it through some of the rough spots in our marriage, I'm sure. As it is right now, we are divorced but we still see each other alot. He will always be in my life and I will always care for him as he does me. We care what happens to each other....we just can't live together, it seems.

I'm sure your husband just doesn't understand many "rules" of childcare and becomes defensive when he is confronted with them. My ex used to appear as if he was not taking in information (like talking to a brick wall) but I think it just took him a little longer to think things through...I can be that way sometimes too. Any changes in routine mess with autistics and a new baby is a big change. Things just can't be done the same way as they always have been done. The steak knives thing is a routine that has to be changed and may take a little bit more time and patience to do. As for always blaming you or other things for what goes wrong, that is something I always hated. Hang in there, laplantain - if you love him, your marriage is worth working and fighting for. Make sure you find a psychologist that has worked with Autistic adults and hopefully couples. It will be well worth your time. If you'd like to talk more, you may email me.

Hi laplantain,

I am on the spectrum myself, and Im usually advocate for other people on the spectrum especially those with AS. However, your bf's refusal to accept change could be very detrimental to your relationship. If he is in his late 40s it sounds like he is set in his ways. It's going to take a lot of work on both your parts to make the relationship work. However, if you still have trouble getting into his head that his lfie has changed dramatically, and that he has to make some compromises in order for the relationship to work you might want to rethink the relationship.


One of the things you might have to do on your part is do what monastic said and find a therapist that has alot of experience with people on the spectrum. You can do this by contacting your local autistic society. Thats how I found my therapist. I've decided over the past few years I need to make some changes, and he (my therapist) is giving me the support and guidance to make alll those changes possible. He also helps me out with some other issues such as bipolar disorder, and growing up in a dysfuctional family. But sorry Im getting off track here, lol. If ASA (autistic society of america) can't find you a therapist, they can probably point you in the direction of a support group for those who's lives are affected by autism/AS. They can be a considerable resource for you and your husband. Hearing insights, stories, advice, and information from other people on the spectrum or those who live with them. This would help you have the support so you can maintain your sanity, lol. This can help your husband I think, because hearing insights from other people like him would give him the ability to relate to someone other than you, and have more insight into his disablity so he can make the changes nessecary to make things work out.

Now, one thing that tends to happen sometimes in AS/NT relationships (NT stands for nuerotypical meaning someone not on the spectrum)the NT can grow resentful of their SO because even though they have a disablity alot people tend to drive their NT family up a wall with all their quirks, and imperfections. I know this first hand since my father has undiagnosed AS and he has said and done alot of things that have hurt me. And at times it seems like he doing some of things he does out of malice, and generally is just being a d***head. By I know he has some issues, and just hope one day he does seek help so he can be a father and husband. I know if I ever get married, and have children I will do everything I can to be a good husband and father. Thats why I am getting the help now at the young age of 21.

Unfortunately, for a small minority of NTs sometimes that resentment turns into anger and hatred. i have seen this on some other forums that especially catered to NTs who are in relationsips with people who have AS. All they do is complain and speak derrogratory about their husbands. I read how one woman cheated on her hubby just so she can get the love and affection she longed for and to "get back at him". I don;t go there anymore cause I find all the negatiivity very rude and offensive IMHO, the way they act on that particular board makes me think in some ways they are just as disabled as their hubbies because they all act immature on their. Id on't like how they lump all people with AS, and try to tell people to not get into relationships with those who have AS, that we are all the same and we are unwilling to change, and that is just not true. People in general are in no way universal, and the fact they don;t realize that as adults makes them disabled as well IMHO.

Im really sorry for going off on a tangent that was someting I just wanted to get off my chest. And I think as someone who is in a relationship with someone who has AS, I think it would be best that you know up front that that sometimes happens, and I don't want to see that happen. People with AS/autism dispite their imperfectiions and somtimes inabilites they have a lot of gifts. They are very loyal, honest, trustworthy, and when they have insight into their problems they tend to become more lenient and less judgemental.

Im sorry this was so long. I love helping people out with their relationship problems. maybe I should be a marriage counselor.

But anyways the best of luck with everything, and congratulations on your newborn and bringing a new life into this world.

Jman

PS: if you ever need anything you can email me at [email protected]

it sounds like you need to consider getting out.

it doesn't really matter what the dx is if your child isn't safe. that's your primary responsibility - to the completely dependent life you've created and not to the adult you married.

hopefully, he'll get the help he needs - but whether he does or doesn't, you need to act to protect your child.

This is very true. My ex's ways of showing love is quite different from the way many neurotypicals show love. He's not one to gush and profess his love with lots of hugs and kisses and showy sentences. He shows love by remembering the things we care about and the things that mean alot to his family. He remembers our favorite foods, colors music and such. It's as if he has a mental list of each of us locked deep inside his heart. Yes, People with AS/autism are quite special

Until your husband is better at watching young children, maybe he should not be totally "in charge" of the child care. I'm sure he is not intentionally trying to hurt his own child. He needs to learn this as it is not something he knows instinctively. There are many things autistics must "learn" as they do not just know things that are common knowledge that NT's understand naturally.

I agree. You have to draw the line before you lose everything. Just knowing that you are willing to walk out and dump this dangerous relationship will make you stronger in dealing with it.

Jerry Newport