Another date report

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I went on another date yesterday, my second in a whole week! We went to the movies, saw "Lawrence of Arabia." I really liked her, which seems to be the case with almost everyone I go out with. I dressed nicely and tried to be myself, telling her about my passions and interests while trying to make good eye contact.

I texted her today saying how much I enjoyed our outing and would like to see her again in the future. She responded back that she didn't feel there was any chemistry, but wanted to be friends.

I appreciated her candor. I was glad for it, as opposed to the ones who just never reply. But still the rejection never gets any easier. If there's something hard about online dating, is that so much energy goes into the cultivating of the first date. This date was the product of a lot of messaging back and forth over several days. So it is doubly disappointing when one doesn't work out, because it's back to square one and building up again. If only I were able to just go to a club or something and asking random women out...but I just can't do it. I can't talk to strangers I find attractive. It terrifies me and I don't know what to say, and I don't do so well anyways in noisy clubs or bars.

So I guess I'll keep on trying the online thing for a while, as I figure out how to develop the courage to talk to women face to face, rather than online. But I feel I'm reaching the point where maybe I should just hire a sex worker for a night, so I can just once not be alone when I go to bed.

Try asking her more questions to get her to talk. Talk less about your interests. People like you more and think you are a great conversationalist if they talk most, especially if answering questions. Such as "tell me about ...(event or place you heard her mention)"

I think I'd end up hating myself even more than I do were I to do that. My view on hiring sex workers is that you are, in many of not most cases, exploiting the vulnerability of another person for your own self-gratification, which seems deeply wrong to me, both emotionally and morally. In any case, you still aren't emotionally connecting with someone else. It's just sex and a cuddle.

I would wish you luck with the online dating thing.

I'm not an expert of dating, but I think going to a movie on a first date was a bad move. You guys are there to enjoy the movie, there are a lot of awkward silences as your are focused on the movies and you don't get to converse and get to know one another. You probably thought you had a good time because it was low as far as socializing. She might have got bored and wanted to get to know you more. I obviously wasn't there but that's something in the future I would advise of you.

Movies are the most popular place to go on a date but me personally will never go to one as a first date. It's a place where after you are comfortable with each other to go to.

Go on a date where you two have a chance to talk to each other. I advise bowling, mini golf, billiards (laid-back atmosphere, lots of time in between to talk, feel it's a good aspie spot) or a zoo. If you two are athletic and like the outdoors, go on a hike. Even going to a new town and exploring it will excite the other person.

Like I said, it's just my opinion, but a movie screams boring and mimics the typical date. Creating a mystery with the other person will give you a better chance at a second date.

The right person will come, just stay strong. Be happy she responded to you and didn't completely ignore you, you at least have her respect and who knows, she might say later she should have given you another chance.

Good luck, hope I helped

If this wasn't your first date then ignore most of what I said, though I would have waited for a movie date til you two are almost in a relationship.

Well normally we would go for dinner or coffee afterwards but she said she as busy. I should've known better that she was giving me a polite brushoff when she said she had evening plans.

I'm just so darn bad at conversation....I'm no good at it, or fall into silences after a while, or ramble on.. It's small wonder no woman wants to see me after a single date.

Going to a movie is safer, and it's a way I can share something special with her. Lawrence of Arabia is one of my favorites, a beautiful film, and thought by sharing that with her, maybe she'd see a bit of me, of who I am, a someone who adores great art, and yearns to create some myself.

Those other suggestions, bowling or something spontaneous...they rather scare me because I'm just so socially inadept. I'm afraid of making a fool of myself. I about have a panic attack every time a date asks me where we should eat, because my tatstes are just so limited...I'm fine with pizza or burgers, but women seem to be so much more refined in their tastes...I feel ashamed if I don't like sushi or want to take her somewhere fancy.

I'm just so darn scared every date I go on that I'm going to blow it, or do the wrong things, when I so very, very much just want her to like me.

You gotta have the attitude that you want to have a good time with her rather than worry about impressing her. You can't worry about making a fool of yourself, it's hard I'd know, but if she doesn't like you for who you are she's not worth the time worrying about. I'm the same way on food, if you've never had the food before, try it, you might like it. You can even tell her and it can lead to a conversation. Like I said, worry about having a good time, don't worry if you are impressing her.

I understand in a way what you are feeling. I have the same stuff going on when I'm meeting girls. You need to do yourself the favor of meeting a girl that you are compatible with, not a fake version of you is.

Here's your 2 options:

1) You gradually reveal yourself. What could happen is that she thinks you are hiding something. She also won't get to know the real you. You two like each other, get in a relationship. A couple of months later, you or her decide that the other person is acting differently. Eventually this turns one of you off, leading to an ending. Here's the worst part, you spent a lot of time trying to win her, when you could be meeting other girls.

2) Be who you are. This will lead to a lasting relationship. Let's say you acted completely different when you were on your movie date. You start to feel comfortable and act like yourself. The girl is gonna be like "wtf? why is he acting different?". She likely gets angry and thinks you aren't into her anymore. She leaves. You let the girl know what your demeanor is (laid-back, loud, caring, serious, etc.) on the first date, she'll decide if you are worth the time. Don't ever act fake. There are people who would like you for who you are.

You acted like yourself, showed her a movie you are passionate about, she didn't feel you. Just think about it as her loss. There's definitely a girl who will appreciate someone who shows them something you care a lot about. You did the right thing.

In the end, you both won. You found out you two are not on that level of being in a relationship. The first couple of weeks will be tough, but you'll realize it was for the best. You don't have to waste time on her, you can focus on another girl.

I'll show a little bit of the thread I first posted "Why would somebody go far to degrade you" in a separate post as an example of what not to do and how I learned from it.

about the "Why would she degrade me so bad" thread http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt246813.html

I met her, I thought the conversation went well. She had the opposite effect (similar to you). I stalled on making a move that I kept thinking about it. She told you straight up, so you didn't waste time/money on somebody who didn't have the same feeling as you. Found out she recorded me in my room and posted it to the vine app. In your situation, she told you she just wanted to be friends, so be thankful for that. By that act, she seems like she has respect for you, obviously mine didn't by doing something borderline illegal, but it is what it is.

What happened is that I talked to much, so next time as more questions like others have said. I was a victim of caring more about her looks then her personality. Honestly, I was more social with people around me, which played a big role if you read more into the thread, and as an Aspie, sometimes that's a big turn off (me personally I'd like someone who at least give others a chance, not somebody who is an "ice-queen" or self-centered).

I was mad hearing about the social media comments, so I got a little revenge by giving a fake number (not proud of that) to her.

Anyways, I found some similarities of my situation to yours, though yours turned out more pleasant.

This would be one of the best ways for me to feel like a piece of crap about who I am. I don't know about you but I would seriously not do this. Ever. Literally, if it was the last option in the world I would not take it.

Wow, this advice is so spot on! In fact, there's heaps of good advice here but you can ruin everything on the first date so easily.

Organise a date where you actually will get to know each other! My plan might be as follows:

- do something at a time that is NOT a meal time; I actually like the markets, the park (even with a frisbee), art gallery… all those things can involve quite a lot of bouts of conversation about sort of meaningless things, but will also lead onto more deep and interesting things

- IF IT'S A SUCCESS then you need to have the next stage organised - so, you meet at 10am at the market and are having such a great time, THEN you just happen to know this great place for lunch at midday! or from the gallery at 1.30pm, why don't we get a coffee and cake at this cool place I know?

In this way, the date is less formal and shorter, but if going well it becomes more formal (meal) and longer.

A movie is a mistake, and a bar is an even worse mistake. You don't want to be competing for attention with a film or with other good-looking people!

Guys of WP, you people are so naive, It doesn't matter whether the first date is movies or at cafe or even in outer space. The first impression would remain the same, studies show that women need only few minutes to assess whether there's "chemistry" (a more "civil" term for SEXUAL ATTRACTION) or not, there was none in her case hence why she friendzoned him that quickly, she already made her mind the moment she met him for real and not because he picked the movies as first date idea (she could also suggested otherwise, why all the blame of the idea is on the guy?)

I am 1000% sure her response would be the same if he took her to a dinner or even to some fun activity.

Truth is, all your advice about first date do not matter (as long he's clean, wearing decently and behaving well), they won't contribute in building up this instant sexual attraction (chemistry) that girls on dating sites seek, for them it's either initially there or not, no matter where, when and what the first date is.

Boo's right for the most part. It should be obvious by the end of the first date if there's anything there (usually with a kiss.) The OP seemingly has hardcore limerance blinders on if he see's nearly every girl he goes on a date with as a good match. Chances are only a small percentage are actually going to be a good match.

Another more specific tip for the OP:
Trying too hard to make eye contact accomplishes two things. It makes maintaining a conversation harder for you and (either conciously or unconciously) unsettles your date if you do it incorrectly (aspie stares can be quite intense.)
You're better off talking to them casually and laid back (smiling and such) while making occasional eye contact. That gives you a aura of mild aloofness (offsetting your unattractive desperation) and means when you do actually do make eye contact it will be intense but fleeting. Good formula for making yourself seem more mysterious and laid back as opposed to desperate and clingy. This is an Aspie trait that can be spun into a workable method if you let it.

For what it's worth, I wrote the woman back who I went on the date with, and asked her for feedback, and for anything she might've noticed that I can improve and do better at.

I'm setting a goal for myself...I'm going to try to go on a date with someone once a week, every week, until I've found somebody, at last.

I suggest caution with this one for a first date. There are men who will step over even the most extreme of boundaries (up to and including rape), and this suggestion may indicate to a woman that you may be a threat to her safety, which means she will avoid you, for good reasons (it makes much more sense for her to have a dozen false positive Aspies as threats who aren't really than one false negative (Aspie or otherwise) who actually attacks her).

If you make this suggestion too early, you run a high risk of being avoided altogether. You may know you wouldn't do such a thing, but she doesn't.