Okcupid problems...

Post Reply New Topic

After my dismal experience on Aspie Affection I decided to try Okcupid (it was recommended on my last forum post.) I hit it off really well with this one fellow and we'd been chatting for a few days. He asked me about my college and why I wasn't attending one closer to home. I'd been skirting around the issue a bit and was planning on telling him that I'm on the AS at some point, I just wasn't expecting it to be this soon. The main reason I attend college out of town is because they have a great program geared towards autistic students. I told him that I was on the spectrum, and that certain things are and will always be a bit difficult for me (socializing in particular.)
But after I told him all this, he tried to tell me that I'm not autistic and that doctors and psychologists are just trigger happy when it comes to disorders. That my "symptoms" are the things that all teenagers deal with and can be approved upon with practice...
Then I explained that once I was diagnosed life got much easier for me and everything finally fell into place.
He said that he was glad my life improved, but that eventually the there will be an umbrella term that encapsulates everyone. And that eventually everyone will be autistic (That doesn't even make any sense.)

I think that I was a bit too eager and probably should've waited to tell him about it. But I'm glad I learned upfront what his opinion was on the matter before our relationship developed any further. I'm feeling embarrassed, angry and overall really emotional about what happened... any help or advice would be much appreciated...

Last edited by thedisneyguru on 13 Jan 2014, 1:32 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I'm sorry this happened to you some people will never understand. I hope you find someone who can appreciate you for you.
Take care

I'm sorry to hear about his response. A lot of people have similar views of the mental health profession and believe they pathologize individuals/society. However, his response sounds really cold and judgemental, and if it were me I would take that as an indication of the type of person he is. Not one who is date-able....

In the future, you might want to wait a while before sharing something so personal. At least that's how I feel about it for myself. But then I'm so honest I have to ask related questions to get a sense of their views on it and drop hints about myself.

I'm really honest too... I was planning on waiting to tell him until things moved a bit further along. But his question was pretty specific and I was feeling comfortable with him. I wasn't sure what the best move would be however, I could've said "This college has a great art program compared to colleges closer to me..." or something like that. But I wanted to let him know and be as honest with him as possible, it really backfired
It was way too early in the process to be talking about it... and I shared way too much

Last edited by thedisneyguru on 13 Jan 2014, 2:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

There are a lot of people who have weird ideas about medicine and biology because of new-age guru nonsense. For instance, David Grohl of Nirvana/Foo Fighters believes very strongly that HIV does not lead to AIDS. How anyone could come to that conclusion is beyond me, but whatever.

Yeah I constantly have to remind myself to not be too honest. A general but true response to his question would have been sufficient. I always think in terms of how much info is ok for now. I'm being honest in what I'm saying but I'm not tell him everything as it comes up. Just small pieces of info to start and then a little more and a little more as time goes on. This is my goal, but it is so incredibly difficult.

I would say you did not share to much too early...

I mean think about it how much easier life would be if all we had to do was hold out a 20 dollar bill to anyone we were interested in becoming friends or partners or whatever with and they straight out tell you if there a jerk or whatever we would all be handing out 20 bucks like it was going out of style cause it would be better then finding out way later after you have so much invested that that person is that way and it hurts way worse then...

I say kudos to you for being upfront to him and well he may have been right that the mental health industry does go overboard sometimes with diagnosis and thats where I end my agreement with him the rest of what he said was pure BS trash and you don't need that...

You need someone who wants you for you

Thank you. I've been thinking about it for a good part of the day and I'm glad that I found out now versus later. It would've been even more awkward and unpleasant if I'd learned about his view of autism further along. He probably was trying to be helpful, but he came across as super offensive and closed-minded.

I'm hopeful that eventually I'll be able to find someone on the spectrum that "gets it" and understands. So that I won't have to defend or explain myself. Most (not all of course) of the NT guys I've come across either don't get it or are severely misinformed (like this guy to the point of not accepting what I was trying to tell him.) I'm new to the dating game and I've never had a boyfriend so these are murky waters for me and I'm trying to navigate them with caution. I don't want to settle or give my heart away to the wrong person.

I told my mom what happened and she told me that "he's a moron" (go mom!) She also compared me to a Faberge Egg hidden in a protective covering, fragile, mysterious and intricate. Something that not many people know exists and even fewer are willing to unwrap or discover. I think she's spot on, I don't know how to share myself with others and I'm ultra sensitive. I keep everything really close to the vest and most people never get to know the real me.

Thank you everyone for your advice and support. I think that dating is tricky normally, but being on the spectrum adds another layer of complexity. I've always had trouble approaching guys and most guys don't want to approach me and I'm not exactly sure what the next step is. I think I'll be staying off of Okcupid for quite awhile...

I agree too...

I seem great at giving advice and helping others though so I do it where I can...

It's like when I see love and relationships and dating from the outside I get it I can match it I can make it work hell I have gotten 3 people married by my words alone...

But put me inside and all of a sudden i can't navigate the field at all and I just don't know why...

I am scared to try but this place has been slowly building my confidence with everything I am reading and learning...

Also glad to be able to start helping out others here with my unique skills

Also don't worry you will find someone just keep at it take a break and then go again and don't stop being forthright about your AS cause it saves you a hassle upfront no doubt

That's really sweet of her.

On the topic of sharing what not many people are interested in, I think it's partially dependent on the other person. If they can't understand or don't want to understand what you're trying to show them, then no amount of explaining on your part is going to make things work. From the sounds of it someone more gentle and open-minded than the one you were talking to is more your type.

+1

I think your rite disney about him trying to be helpful but he's extremely ignorant & closed minded. I noticed the same problem you have with NT guys but with NT women not getting autism or being majorly misinformed amongst lots of other problems. In my experience I'm much better off with another Aspie & my current girlfriend & the one I had before I met on this forum. If you really want an Aspie guy you could try making a post here because there's lots of Aspie guys looking for partners on this forums & some are open to long distance relationships if they're not close. One bonus about forums as opposed to dating sites is that you can check out a person's post to get a feel for them instead of just what they claim about themselves in a profile & questionnaire.