NT female with an Aspie man - Please help!

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I am an NT female that has been on and off with an Aspie man for about two years now. We have great chemistry and a good understanding and, I admit, I deeply care for him.

I know he is very particular about the people he surrounds himself with. The women he sees being no exception. He's expressed that I have quite a few of these traits he looking for. He's particularly fond of my smell. It's actually nice since he doesn't mind my BO if I haven't showered for a day.

One thing that bothers me (and I know he means well) is that he seems to like to fix me and has the urge to take care of me. This leaves me with little freedom and independence. He wants to do everything from pick out my clothes to cut my hair the way he likes it to pick out my perfume. Teach me how to be organized and help me with time management, etc, etc. Admittedly, I am diagnosed with ADHD and am very much the Grace from Will & Grace type. I do have poor planning, find it overwhelming to maintain a traditionally pretty appearance, and make all sorts of messes. He'll be very firm and strict with me and I'm stubborn at first. But he persistent and I usually give in. After this, I admit his way is better, but still....

When planning our future, he has very specific ideas about where we'll live, how we'll live, what I'll wear, what I'll do... though, he spoils me and indulges me, I feel somewhat like a life-sized doll that he wants to train into his dream woman.

If it means anything, based on Meyers-Briggs, I am an ENTP and he is an INTJ. And we very much behave that way.Between the two of us; however, I would say he is the more dominant is the relationship, for sure.

Any advice on how to deal with this situation? I've never been with someone like him before and am scared to commit due to his behavior.

This doesn't sound good.. It sounds as like he will give you no freedom to make choices in the future.

What concerns me the most is he's already telling you where you guys will live, and all that crap. You guys are in a relationship. He acts like it's set in stone you guys are getting married.

You need to stand up for yourself, he sees you as weak and he's taking advantage of it. You don't want to find out later he's a control freak and will not let you in on any important decisions, that's a deal-breaker and would lead to way worse things in the future.

Last edited by warsend on 10 Jan 2014, 6:46 am, edited 1 time in total.

I do not have Autism. I am NT, but diagnosed with ADHD. The man I am seeing has AS.

But yes, he does seem very controlling. However, admittedly, he has not forced me into anything serious other than combing my hair.

sorry, I read that wrong. However, yeah, you need to stand up to him a little bit. He might think he's helping but obviously in your opinion he's a little controlling. Just talk to him about it, communication in a relationship is key.

It seems like being controlling is one of his core characteristics; I would not anticipate that this is something that one can change given the extent he takes with doing and deciding everything for you. If this is unacceptable to you (as would be completely reasonable) then I would definitely avoid commitment until you can discuss it with him and truly determine if there is any hope for him to alter his controlling behaviour.

While it is reasonable to expect to make compromises in a relationship, this is may be quite pervasive and frankly seems overwhelming, and not something you should have to deal with if it's not okay with you. It is great that you can connect very well with each other, but if core needs are being violated and proper amendments can't be made, you should consider that he might not be the healthiest decision in the long-term.

Worded differently, if this is not behaviour you can imagine tolerating indefinitely I would seriously contemplate the viability of a long-term relationship with him. Do not commit expecting that you can change him if it becomes too much later on - be okay with a new commitment with the present state it is in, not the state you hope you might be able to make it.

perhaps you should learn to say no. maybe you should tell him how you want things to be when you disagree, and stick to your guns. if he refuses to let you be you, than you are gonna need to figure what you are going to do. being a pampered doll doesn't sound like a bad idea to me. sounds fortunate. unless of course you enjoy freedom.

Thank you all for the advice thus far.


I suppose the biggest question (since he's the first Aspie I've ever dated) is if the controlling aspect is more of an AS trait or its just his personality or some sort of combination.

He is a very meticulous, intelligent person who holds himself to high standards, enjoys an environment he can control, and constantly seeks improvement. Perhaps he's just applying these same characteristics to the dating world?

He does, though, like to have things his way. He tells me that's he's nearly always right. I tell him that he's nearly always egotistical. He counters his always finds the natural logical conclusion. He drives me crazy.

Despite his love of perfection, he does love to see me happy. He will buy me things that he knows I like. He'll change something he does for me. He'll pamper me and give me attention.

If you have ADHD then you can not be a NT, you might not have AS but lack of AS does not mean NT.

It is a difficult one, I think that you should have freedom to choose how to dress yourself and decide on what you look like. I think that your partner is being too controlling, I think that to consider your girl friend as a lifesized doll which you can decide how to dress is wrong, I worry that this level of control will be harmful to you.

Wow…and I worried that *I* might be taking things to an extreme…

Here's the thing: You need to decide NOW if this is something you're comfortable with long-term. Some people are OK with others running their lives. There's nothing wrong with that AT ALL, and that's not meant as an insult. Some people feel a deep need or preference for others to take control of everything. What IS wrong is when you like the way you are and prefer that better than what someone else might turn you into. You don't need to be with someone who molds and shapes you into something you're either not or don't wish to be. If you are OK with that, or you feel this person is making good decisions for your improvement and you DON'T MIND IT, and you can live with that, then by all means stay with this person long-term. If you get this kinda weird feeling that maybe you don't really like this relationship, you should get out. If this isn't you, it can go from fun to abject misery really fast.

Here's my long ramble about my own experience. I feel like I can relate to your man. However, I've met very FEW women who can live with a man like that or a man like me. I'm not saying you CAN'T commit to this, but you need to be careful in making sure you really want to do this.

As a man, a husband, and a father, I do tend to be a little on the controlling side. For me, it's not a desire to just get my own way. It's just that I don't know any other way to be without being profoundly awkward.

In the past I dated a very sweet young woman who had a few emotional issues. I was under the assumption that men and women are supposed to be equals in relationships and that men were supposed to elevate the status of their partners every chance they got. I never had the kind of money to spoil anyone I've been in a relationship with, but if nothing else I'm good at providing constant companionship, at least within reason. I did everything I reasonably could to please this girl. However, because of the mostly self-imposed drama she dealt with, I often got hit with whatever whim it was at any given moment. I was CRAZY in love with this girl, so for a long time I could deal with it. Over the years it steadily got worse. Her best friend might have just looked at her wrong and somehow it was MY fault. Eventually EVERYTHING was my fault. I eventually reached the conclusion that no matter what I did/didn't do, I was wrong about EVERYTHING. I was STUPID. I might as well not even exist without this girl. And through a series of unlikely events, I decided that I'd be better off utterly alone and right than I would be in a relationship and wrong/stupid all the time. I promised myself after breaking up with her that I'd NEVER AGAIN be in that kind of relationship. *I* would make the rules. You don't like how I run things, go be with someone else. I'm not making you stay.

Since then I've dated a couple of women. One young lady was completely inexperienced when it came to men, the other had come out of a horribly abusive relationship. I made it very clear up front what a relationship with me WILL be like…YOU have to decide whether being with me is worth it or not. You can leave any time, no hard feelings. Early on, these were my rules:

1. I have a small circle of friends and prefer isolation to socializing. I have a tendency to keep my partners to myself.
2. Despite my tendency NOT to associate with large groups, PLEASE spend time with your friends. You don't have to let me isolate you.
3. Take up your issues with me with ME. Badmouth me in front of your friends and we're OVER.
4. Do NOT make me look bad in front of others or embarrass me in front of anyone, whether your friends or mine or anyone else. I'm plenty good at doing this on my own and don't need your help.
5. Don't even LOOK like you might be cheating on me. Anyone who knows you are committed to me and still hits on you is not a friend. Stay away. End it now if we're not good for each other, but PLEASE let's not drag this out. Do NOT hang out with exes. EVER.

If any of those are a problem for you, I'm not the right guy. Maybe I sound like a jerk. Fine, I'm a jerk. Don't say you didn't know what you were getting into with me! For the girl who'd never had a bf before college, I might have been a little overwhelming, but for the most part she didn't mind being just kind of carried along (I was pursuing graduate studies at the time, so it was a fun relationship for both of us. We were good partners, and since the drama was eliminated from the outset, we could maintain our respective intense focus on our work. She wasn't interested at all in the partying, but I did encourage her to go out and have some off-campus fun. She might have had ONE alcoholic beverage the whole time we were together, and I didn't encourage her to drink, either). In the end, I knew we were just going two completely directions in life and I broke it off with her. Neither of us really wanted to brea up, but it was time, and it ended amicably.

My wife came from an intensely abusive relationship prior to dating me. We'd gotten to know each other through a mutual friend in the last days of her previous relationship. By the time we started dating, she was an emotional wreck. Her bf had been so controlling that she couldn't function in a relationship without that same level of control. The first thing her friends and I did was clean up the aftermath of that relationship. Rule #1: You can't see him again…EVER…under ANY circumstances. We kept her isolated because the alternative, the risk she might go back to him, was too dangerous a choice for her to make on her own. We all talked with her about this and she agreed. Rule #2: Don't go ANYWHERE outside class unless one of us is with you. It took a few weeks, a couple of calls to campus police, and a day in court (I'm not kidding) to permanently get those two apart, but there was never a doubt that their relationship was officially OVER for good.

When she and I became romantically involved, my role was to keep her isolated long enough for her to try to figure out her own identity separate from any man since she'd pretty much lost any memory of who she was before the abuse. She's gone from being this timid, shy, leave-me-alone-mind-your-own-business kind of girl to being this sort of snarky, quick-witted woman that people enjoy being around. I could "allow" her to make friends because I could trust her not to do anything stupid. It didn't start out that way, and she couldn't grow to be the way she is without a lot of support from myself and her friends.

So, yeah, I admit I'm this kind of weird, loner type. I admit I like to try to fix everyone close to me. I like getting my way, and I'm a strict rule-enforcer when it really matters. But I know that if my wife NEVER has ANY kind of freedom apart from me, she won't be happy at all. I won't be any better than her ex.

The "rules" of our relationship are designed around the two of us being mutually supportive. I HAVE to trust that things will go a certain way, that certain things will never be questioned. I have to be able to trust my partner to be my exclusive partner--no infidelity, in other words. I'm not good at making new friends, and I'm aware that I give some people weird vibes. I've tried to fix that, but it only seems to get worse. So I'm just ME and leave it at that. So, as a rule, I don't allow anyone in my family to trash-talk me in front of their friends, nor do I put up with my family tolerating other people who trash me. There is a reason for that: I'm self-employed and teach private piano lessons. I also have a regular church gig. Any assault on my reputation, even if it's totally unmerited, can cost me my livelihood and negatively impact my ability to support my family. I depend on my family to represent me in the most positive light that they honestly can. No gigs=no food on the table and no electricity and no running water. I'm also intensely aware of my own ineptitude. I was bullied a lot when I was in school. I never had anyone to come to my defense. So I will make SURE my family looks after each other and not tolerate anyone trashing any other one of us. We will make SURE our kids don't repeat our mistakes in choosing the wrong romantic partners at the worst possible times and avoid the relational pitfalls we've had to deal with. My children will do EVERYTHING I tell them until they themselves develop the competence to give the orders--I honestly hope my children are better than me at everything I do and that one day I'll be following THEIR lead. Everyone in my family fills some sort of personal leadership role. While few people really understand it, it's obvious to most that we are very different people from most others. It all stems from the cohesive nature of the relationship as it began on our first date!

I'm not trying to sell THIS relationship as somehow superior, nor am I suggesting every man should be controlling or that my wife is totally submissive. I'm just relating MY side. Our rules are mutually beneficial. Another rule is that I never, EVER handle household money. We tried that once. It ended BADLY. It's rare that I ever see my own paychecks. I collect money from outside gigs to support my business and may occasionally bring in a surplus. But MOST of my money goes straight to my wife. I don't mind because she's not out buying purses every weekend. Maintaining the expense part of the household is her job. I'm more effective as an executive, an idea-man, and a police officer/judge when it comes to our kids. My wife tells me what to do more often than otherwise, and most of the child-rearing responsibilities fall on me since I have more time to spend with them than she does. I'm ok with her giving the orders because she's smart and knows what she's doing. My chief concern isn't my day-to-day household activities, but rather keeping the relationship healthy--I've even told her because of some especially embarrassing events she can no longer hang out with certain people.

[Short version of the story: She went for a "girls night out" for which I was expressly UNinvited. I wasn't crazy about the idea, but whatever…who am I to tell my wife she can't have friends and have a little fun? Her friend's husband ends up bringing her home. So, this other guy was there for a "girls night out" while I have to stay at home? You want to go out and get drunk, fine. But don't let your friends cut me out while you make a fool of yourself and they bring their own partners along. That was blatantly mean-spirited on her friends' part and caused a lot of friction between my wife and I. What was remarkable about that experience was some of the relational tension we DID have vanished almost overnight after she stopped hanging out with them. I later found out that most of those friends were either divorced or were belittling towards their own husbands. My wife had been projecting those experiences onto her own and expected her own marriage to be as dysfunctional as everyone else's seemed to be and started treating me the way other wives treated their husbands. Our relationship shifted dramatically once she got away from all the negativity.]

What is IMPORTANT about our relationship together is she got to know me very well early on and accepted me for all of who I am and my eccentricities/demands. She's OK with that. Not many women would be. It's not because I helped save her life. We've had time apart with other people before we got married. She could have married for money. This is the life she chose, knowing full well what she was getting into and how difficult I'd make it if she married me and then changed her mind. There's no way out for either of us now, and neither of us WANT out. The marriage contract, in my view, is about way more than just romantic love. It's a commitment that works better with love and happiness but requires neither. The baseline for our marriage is mutual respect and friendship, knowing each other and accepting all that it means. We just "happen" to love each other, and the decision to love each other is something we renew every day. Happiness is another choice. That doesn't mean we 100% always feel strong, emotional affection towards each other, nor are we always 100% happy all the freakin' time. If we're happy, we share in the happiness. If we're miserable, we support each other through our misery. We're friends FIRST and just doing what we think best friends would do. We're really more like some twisted-weird brother-and-sister pair with "frienefits."

Which brings me to my final point: You KNOW how your man is. YOU have to decide if this is something you can accept long term. If this is making you nervous, you need to GET OUT NOW. If you love him AND this is really what you want, disregard everything else I've said and hang on tight. If you can handle that level of control, you'll be mostly fine. But you also need to understand that most women in contemporary society do NOT like that kind of arrangement and it's rare to find women who do. If you're that woman, more power to you. He's lucky to have you if that's the case. If you don't want that kind of relationship, you're doing neither of you any favors by hanging on. I don't care if you looooove each other. No amount of love will magically transform into happiness when you're fed up with the control and can't take it anymore. If my wife had changed her mind while we were only still dating and ended up with someone else, I'd have been distraught. I'd try to win her back if I reasonably could (without going all stalker-crazy on her). But I'd ultimately have to accept it and move on. And if I ended up with someone else who was interested in me, I'd still be the same person…brutally up front and honest about my intentions and expectations. Sooner or later, there's always someone who can knowingly and willingly accept that, who can love me warts and all. Who doesn't mind that I can a bit on the strong side. Who gets that underneath I'm a frail human being who needs reassurance sometimes. And who doesn't care and loves me no matter what. I'm fortunate to have that in spite of myself. This is the right relationship for you if you can handle that type of guy. If not, cut him loose. It might be the most painful thing you ever do, but if this isn't the right way for you to go, you'll feel MUCH better when it's over.

In accordance to your last post, the following thought applies: Being right shouldn't always make one happy. From the sounds of things, he doesn't even sound Narcissistic either since he is willing to make you happy and do things for you in an attempt to make you happy. This is a guy that means well and it shows. But he may not understand that being right isn't always going to make you happy (ie. the term "happy wife, happy life" comes to mind)

The AS trait for controlling is wanting to be in an environment I can control, yes. But it can be improved and one can learn to worry about what he can control and what he can't control and go from there.

Yes, I once had very high standards for myself. Can act self-defeating if standards aren't reached. May need to learn to be more realistic with standards and goals.

VERY well said, and much more succinct than anything I could do.

My relationship with my wife works because we do not seek to change each other or to change for each other. In areas where I tend to be controlling, she doesn't fight me. In areas where she annoys me, which is bound to happen, almost always I can say, "hey, that doesn't really matter to me THAT much, so I'm letting it go." I mentioned issues we've had with some of her friends--there are other friends I LOVE for her to hang with because they don't have this hateful agenda towards me or anyone of the opposite sex--or against husbands in general (you don't like your husband, why'd you get married in the first place?).

I think many women seeking relationship counseling or divorce are probably those women who used to brag about how they almost got their husbands "trained." When asked what the problems are in the relationship, they'll probably say "He's just not the man I married anymore!"

It's typical to pick on women that way, but relationships are relationships and the same principle applies the opposite way. If a man tries to change a woman into his ideal mate, she ends up NOT being the woman he fell in love with.

Don't try to change someone into what you want them to be. Accept them the way they ARE. If you can't, that's OK, too. Just don't be with them. There's nothing about either of you that needs to change. You just might happen to be with the wrong people is all. He might need to find someone who likes the control. You might need to be with someone who likes doing your hair but otherwise pretty much lets you do what you like. I don't know…but there's a lot to figure out here.

I think perhaps a bigger counter-question to that is: Why would that matter? It does not matter where the trait comes from, if you are not okay with it then you are not okay with it. Someone is doing something you cannot stand (by the sound of it); that's as far as you should be concerned because it's the result that you have to deal with. You don't excuse him for it out of pity because he has a doctor's note - that doesn't suddenly make the situation any easier for you.

I don't mean to shoot your question down if it is purely curiosity, but in the context of the thread it appears as if it's being treated as pertinent information toward your final decision, which I do not think it should be.

I relate to your guy somewhat OP. I feel very protective & have strong caretaking desires towards my current girlfriend, two exes & a crush I could never do anything about. I got pretty controlling about things in my 1st relationship & things eventually fell apart partly because of it & I was also a little controlling in my 2nd. I'm not sure that standing up strong for yourself rite now would be the best way to handle things. Us Aspies can be overly sensitive & when my two exes were with me it caused me to worry about things more which made things worse. I think it will help to try to understand why he's controlling so then you can address the causes. Being picky about things is pretty common with Aspergers but there's more to it with him than that. There was a lot more to it with me. Being insecure because of my lack of experience with relationships, problems connecting with others & all my problems related to Aspergers & other things helped contribute to me feeling like I had to do everything I could for my partner. I'm a better person in a relationship & know that it would be extremely difficult for me to find another partner & I feel like I need my partner more than they need me. I worried about them alot more than I should & I know I'd be lost without them so I need to do what I can to take care of them.

My 1st ex had some issues; drug &, alcohol but they weren't super bad. She also had some emotional issues & she was 15 & I was 20 so in some ways there was a mental age difference. I think any guy with her who cared & was responsible would of been concerned & protective but I went overboard with it as we got closer & she had some slipups. I felt like a parent with her sometimes(she never had a dad so that was a factor with her too) & I did not like it but I felt kind of like I had to because I worried what would happen if I wasn't. I had a mental breakdown after the relationship ended & fell into a bad depression which I'm over now. I got diagnosed with lots of things but one of them was Codependency because of my behavior with the relationship. I have anxiety disorders that caused me to obsess & worry more than I should including generalized anxiety, panic & OCD. Those anxiety disorders & others are common co-morbids with Aspergers. I started taking medication for generalized in my 2nd relationship which helped the panic as well after having problems because I didn't want those things helping me screw up the relationship like my 1st. I quit worrying as much & got a little better with my behavior but by then she started realizing that she desired independence too much to maintain a relationship with anyone not just me but that's another story. I got on OCD medication after we broke up because I was having problems getting over things due to obsessing & then I got in my current relationship & I never obsessed with her like I did with my two exes & a crush I had I believe partly because of the medication. Being less anxious & not as obsessed allows me to feel more relaxed & secure within the relationship so I'm not controlling thou I am very protective & still somewhat clingy but she's kind of the same way so it's actually a good thing in this relationship instead of a problem. I highly doubt I warrant the Codependency diagnoses now but our relationship is interdependent & that works for us. Some of us Aspies can be pretty emotionally sensitive & caring(thou others can go the other end) & I'm like that with my partner thou I may not express it with other people because I don't feel secure with them & I try to be more logical when interacting with others & my partner is the one person I can express my sensitive & caring side with. However some Aspies are the other end & lack theory of mind & can be kind of dense & assume that they know what's best for their partner & what their partner will like & even that their partner wants & likes whatever they do. I think those types would be harder to compromise & work on a relationship with. I'm not sure which reason it is with your guy OP but I think trying to understand & help him work on things with him might could be a big help.

Last edited by nick007 on 12 Jan 2014, 2:43 pm, edited 5 times in total.

I wonder if we are more prone to co-dependency. I dated the same girl for several years before things got so bad I had to break up with her. We took pretty good care of each other, but she tended to freak out any time I appeared to act independently of her. Honestly, and I think this applies to every relationship, there are times in our lives in which we HAVE to put our mates on the back burner. Sooner or later we have school work, work projects, hobbies, volunteer work, other obligations that take us away from our partners. My ex HATED my involvement in a fraternity. She HATED that I spent so much time in a practice room in the music building. Everything I did WE had to do TOGETHER. As fun as it can be at times, the world doesn't revolve around studying, eating out, and having sex. ANYTHING that involved separation meant freaking out.

If we're being honest, we won't DIE without a mate. A relationship built on the mentality that the world will end without our partner is bound to be a toxic one. I don't mean take your partner for granted, either, but you both consciously have to act as independent individuals that happen to get along extremely well. If, and the same rule applies to me, you can't get away from your mate for social and work obligations, things aren't going to go well. As close as I keep my family to me, even I can't get around that, and I don't even try.

The flip side is if absence creates suspicion. Sure, I worry about the possibility of my wife cheating on me. Keeping her under lock and key isn't the answer. When I thought about it, I really do trust my wife and take no issue with her going out without me. She is beautiful, however, and I don't trust other MEN around her. When I started thinking about it that way, I found it easier to let go of some things in the relationship, and because we both avoid certain people in our past, I think it promotes feelings of security on both sides.

I'd give him a subtle hint along the lines of "f**k off, I'll do what I damn well please."