No sex after great sex?

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I'm wondering if anyone can shed some light?

Aspie man and aspie woman. They go out for a year, both mutually enjoying a healthy and very passionate physical and bonding relationship.

After a year, aspie man refuses to have sex. But still feels very attracted to aspie woman, and there is passionate everything, but the sex act itself. So all is functioning physiologically. Aspie woman asks aspie man if he still finds her desirable and he says yes. But he just refuses to have sex and doesn't say why. He likes being with aspie woman and doesn't want to break up. But says doesn't want to be intimate and if she doesn't like it she can leave.

What on earth can this possibly mean?

Men and women, all opinions are welcome. I know only aspie man can say, but he doesn't so I am trying to gather information, because my head cannot compute this.

Thank you.

What this tells me is that no sex or intimacy might be a dealbreaker for you in this relationship. It also tells me that you aren't convinced that he really does desire you and is interested in you. You may have to tell him that if you can't get this intimacy from him when it's important to you, you will be re-evaluating this relationship (your choice on what to do). I wouldn't be surprised if you wanted the space and time to figure this out too if it got to that point, so go and do things you enjoy doing if that happens.

the majority of women I dated know this simple fact that they can get what they want or need elsewhere easily, especially if sex happens too soon. The reason is because there are always other guys that want them. ie: "this other guy desires me, and I think he's attractive to. Why my boyfriend doesn't think more highly of me is beyond me" There are issues that come with acting on this, but I find they typically go with the evidence that is present (usually leaves with no regret), or do what they feel in the moment which is more impulsive decision making than anything. Going with what you feel in the moment often leads to serious heartbreak, and boy do I know this from my experience now.

Could it be something psychological on his part? That madonna/whore BS...he loves you and puts you on a pedestal and so he shouldn't be thinking of doing the nasty with such an angel?

This sounds like a pretty tough situation, and I honestly don't know based on what you've described. Some guys will with hold sex as a powerplay (which of course is abusive), but in that instance he would let you what he wanted from you. Is this typical of him in relationships? The sex and desire to have it usually decreases as the relationship progresses but also typically does not stop all together.

So does he show that he cares about you in other ways? Saying you can leave if you don't like it sounds very harsh and emotionally cold. If it were me, I would probably end it.

Singularity, it's a possibility I guess, but I doubt I'd be seen as an angel? But it must be psychological if it's not physical, so yes, that makes sense. I guess because I am not a man, I didnt think they would feel like that. I thought that if you are with someone and enjoy having sex with them, that even if there were psychological issues, assign is passion and it would still happen. The desire is definitely there. I felt it. Excuse the pun.

Mike, I'm not sure I understood what you meant? I wouldn't want to get it anywhere else, I would rather be without than have to just for a physical need. It's not just physical it's the emotional bonding too. I know some women can just have sex for sex sake, and good on them, but I have tried many years ago and it didnt go down too well.

Ok... now with more information.. Forget the Aspergers traits, and now i will think more like a man, and what a woman may be feeling.

He is afraid of being more intimate right now and is looking for some downtime to just be himself. You are desiring intimacy and the emotional bonding. I think he is just going to his cave right now and may not know how to communicate in a way that you understand. That is why you are asking for help and support elsewhere.

He needs to work on reassuring you better... you need to work on understanding that men sometimes have a fear of getting closer and have to pull away before getting closer to you.

It kinna sounds like a power trip.

I'd say call his bluff, leave.

Ask him.

could it be a sensory issue? you could try talking to him about how he experiences sex. i know personally having certain parts of my body touched gently can make me feel as if i am biting on rancid aluminum for some reason. i hope it works out for you both and you find a way to work it out

I think you're going to have to tell him how his lack of physical intimacy makes you feel, and ask for a better explanation. If he can't or won't talk about what's going on, then you're going to have to decide whether to stay or go.

The info you've given doesn't really hint at this but I'll put it out there anyway. Depression can lead to a drop in sex drive. The rest can stay the same but you just don't want to have sex.

And if that is what's going on, he might not know it. To him it might just feel like he is not sexually attracted to you at the moment, or maybe even repulsed by it. That's a tough thing to tell the person you love, so it would be no surprise that he's be unwilling to give what he thinks is the real reason.

List of possibilities:

1) He's not attracted to you anymore
2) The sex is exhausting and too much work and he just doesn't feel like it anymore
3) He's depressed so is no longer interested
4) He started a new medication that inhibits his desire for sex
5) He's doing something else (or someone else) to get his rocks off
6) He never cared for sex much, but at the beginning of the relationship it was new, exciting and fun and now it's old and he's back to being not really into it
7) He has a hormonal imbalance/low testosterone all the sudden for legit medical reason and is unaware of it
He has a low sex drive


That's about everything I can think of.

Catwhisperer, thanks. Might be subconscious power play. He shows me he cares in other ways, he is not overtly demonstrative, but he does, yes.

One of my friends said people sometimes say things to others which reflects how they were treated in the past.

She said him telling me I can leave could be that that was always what happened to him with previous women. He has said at times he is a freak, and cant I see that?

He isnt a freak. He's an aspie with some very autistic traits, but I have always tried to tell him those dont matter because I understand. We are so similar in so many ways.

She said that he may be pushing me away as a test too. Let's see how much I can take before I leave.

I can take anything, but I think communication is fundamental. Although of course, this is one of his struggles.

AspieMike, you really touched a chord. That seems such a high probability. Him not wanting to get closer emotionally.

Thanks to everyone who has thusfar given their opinion.

It's definitely not a lack of desire. Like I said, he grabs me and kisses me so passionately, no matter where we are, that I can feel how much he enjoys it. No one in their right mind, would do that to a woman they didnt fancy anymore. That's just not possible, right?

Boo, I have asked him. He doesnt say why. Hence why I ask for opinions here. He just gets annoyed when I ask him and many times said he doesnt understand my question. I am very direct with how I ask.

He just says he doesnt want imtinimacy and leaves it at that. When I ask if he fancies me or desires me he says “of course”.

Salamandqwerty, I did ask about snesory issues. It was discussed from the start given it could be an issue. I have those more than him. I am like you with the light touch. Just thinking about it I feel I need to apply pressure to most parts of my body.

Singularity, I am waiting now. I have asled him by email and he is busy, so I will wait until he does. I think I may have been insensitive, because he asked me to go to the area he lives in (he lives 2 hours away) and I asked if there was going to be intimacy, because if not it wouldnt be worth my anxiety of such a long trip. But keep in mind he has been leading me on and he has a few times promised we would and then we didnt. Travelling is a huge issue for me, and I said I couldnt cope with 2 hours there and back on the same day. If we could spend a night together, and I didnt want sex, just the intimacy. He didnt even answer and just asked “So does that mean you dont want to just meet me for drinks and meal?”.

Yellowtamarin, that is a big possibility and I have thought about it before. I did ask him. He said he didnt know. I am very frontal and will reasearch thoroughly into clinical matters. But like I said before, he doesnt have a physical problem given his actions speak louder than his words. And this is why it is so baffling. If he didnt feel attracted I would know. He doesnt deny the attraction. Just doesnt want the intimacy. And who knows if he ever will again? Is it fair to ask if he thinks it will ever be on the cards? Or is that an impossible question to answer? I know we cannot predict the future...

MadeUnderground a few of those can be ruled out but others worth considering. Thanks.

Does he masturbate?

Years ago I read a beautiful autobiographical piece from the women's perspective, I think published in Salon. She didn't want to have sex for a while, for reasons she found hard to explain, even to herself. But she and her husband cuddled on the couch for long afternoons.

It is a very awkward situation. You do want to communicate with him what you're experiencing, but putting direct pressure on him is probably counterproductive.

Hasn't occurred to me to ask, Boo. He might say it's none of my business. But I guess I could ask. He can always choose not to answer.