Aspie Partner's Anger Management Issues

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My partner and I both have AS/ADHD and I have mild vocal tics and a suspected non-verbal learning disability in to my AS/ADHD.

We have been together for over 2 years and for the most part it's been a reasonably good experience but there are a few things I am beginning to find almost intolerable and his poor anger management skills is one of them.

1: When I say or do something he doesn't like he sometimes hits me
2: When he's out of cigarettes he can be quiet nasty and verbally abusive
3: He can be overly demanding especially where physical affection is concerned
4: He can be controlling at times and tells me what to do often unnecessarily
5: He can be offensive and vulgar in his language around certain people
6: He has terrible money managements skills and is in almost $6000 dollars in debt
7: He assumes the right to ask about my money and tell me what to do with it

We are taking steps to solve some of these issues such as the stress management, anger management and money management etc but I know I have two choices, either set stronger, clearer and definitive boundaries with the help of other people (I've tried to do this on my own and it hasn't worked) or end the relationship and at this point I am choosing to try and solve the problems with the assistance of others and if that doesn't work then I would seriously have to consider ending the relationship.

I am 34 and I feel like I'm in another dead end relationship that doesn't really seem to be going any further, I understand our age gap might contribute to that (he's 26) but he goes on about marriage and commitment yet does absolutely nothing about it, it's like he's all talk and no action, I'm not getting any younger and I have needs that are really not being fulfilled and while I want something to change for the better without resorting to ending the relationship as I do love and care about him but I'm unsure of where to begin, I mean I know I'm taking steps but I want to make sure it's not a waste of my time...

S...

As far as I'm concerned, when someone hits me for whatever reason, I'm done with them.
You're describing an abuser. I think you should quit now.

If you are 34, and your being hit by any guy, walk away. No lady should be treated like that or slapped, having as or adhd does not excuse any of it.

I know I'm describing someone with some abusive traits and I know some of what he's doing is very wrong, I am not that socially impaired that I don't know that however the reasons for his behaviour are very different to my Non-Aspie ex partner who also engaged in abusive behaviours, I did leave him in the end and I will be doing the same with this guy if the steps we're taking to fix these issues does not work or change the situation for the better, he is skating on very thin ice as I am very close to leaving and he has been told this!

He has very poor impulse control issues and while that's no excuse it is an explanation and an issue that needs to be dealt with before too long...

S



quote="singularity"]As far as I'm concerned, when someone hits me for whatever reason, I'm done with them.
You're describing an abuser. I think you should quit now.[/quote]

You're absolutely right

He knows it's wrong and he knows I may leave eventually and to his credit he has slowed the hitting down a little but he really needs to work on the other stuff especially his social skills in terms of handling things or people who irritate, frustrate or anger him, in the past not a lot has been done about it by him or anyone in his life.

As I've said I will see how it goes with the Anger and Stress Management Counsellor and if nothing works or changes from that then I will have to take other actions because I cannot continue to tolerate this, it is wrong and it brings out the worst in me at times.

He has two choices, he either works on his issues or he loses me!!

S...

If he has hit you, then think long and hard.

How do you know the violence will not get worse, he has already crossed a line by hitting you. I can not make up your mind for you but my advice is to be very careful.

It does not matter if a man is NT or has AS or alphabet soup he should not allow his anger to get the better of him to the point of hitting his partner.

_________________
Health is a state of physical, mental and social wellbeing and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity I am not a jigsaw, I am a free man !

Diagnosed under the DSM5 rules with autism spectrum disorder, under DSM4 psychologist said would have been AS (299.80) but I suspect that I am somewhere between 299.80 and 299.00 (Autism) under DSM4.

A man who hits a woman is not a man. Few things make me angrier than that. You are on a site where people react to the facts and tell you the truth. There is not "thinking about leaving" there is only leaving in that situation. It will not get better. Better is out there waiting for you and not seeing you because you are wasting your time on that POS.

The trouble is, doesn't seem like he's committed to no hitting, or no scaring. Committed to trying to stop just isn't enough, for me. And if you don't want to be hit, you're going to have to be completely committed to making that happen. Because he isn't quite, not all the way.

Please don't be ok with somebody hurting you this way, just because he does doesn't mean you deserve it. No one deserves to be hurt this way.

I totally understand the reactions from the responses and because I know very him well I will discuss this with him and even show this as a way to point out that hitting is not acceptable when one is angry and these responses prove that other people feel the same way and I may even show the Psychologist that he will soon be seeing and the Counsellor that we're both seeing for anger and stress management issues (I have some of these problems as well but my impulse control is much better than his and I don't go around hitting people unless I absolutely had to in self defense which I have not had to do often in my life) and they can reiterate and reinforce to him how unacceptable that behaviour is and how people judge and condemn it.

I believe a lot of his anger and frustration comes from his environment and his own issues eg: frustration at everyday life, lack of employment, money issues, lack of proper support in regards to these issues and associating with negative people which is slowly changing as he's removing some of these people from his life but they are only explanations not excuses and he does need to work on those issues.

On a camping trip last year he lost his temper and hit his long term friend who also has AS and other co-morbid conditions one of which he need medication for and the guy stopped associating with him for a while and they recently rekindled their friendship which will never be the same but they both know that, he was genuinely remorseful for his actions as he is when he's lashed out at me verbally or occasionally physically, he lashes out at others verbally and is prone to meltdowns at times however some of the people in his life do tend to over step his boundaries including his well meaning, caring and loving parents hence the removal of some of the friends from his life (he wouldn't do that to anyone in his family unless they were really really bad people which they're not) and I have seen this myself, come to think of it I'd be pretty pissed off too if people kept telling me what to do, pushing their ideals onto me and pushing the issue on certain things etc however he needs to learn to communicate effectively rather than lashing out.

For example he worked in Warehousing for 3 years and while he stuck with the job for that time he didn't really like it and it was low paying, since then his mother although she wants the best for him continues to push the issue in terms if telling him that he should go back into that type of work despite the fact he has been as polite as possible in telling her he's not interested in that type of work, just recently she sent an email for a Warehousing course which annoyed him (righty so too) because he has already told her he doesn't want to do that type of work more than once.

Another example is that he was offered a job with the Australian Postal Service which he didn't take up because it wasn't suitable for him as far as he was concerned and his mother again kept nagging and pushing the issue to a point where he almost had a meltdown over it, again he politely told her he wasn't interested more than once but she continued it, if someone says no to something more than once isn't it up to the person whose pushing the issue to stop, back off and respect the boundaries?!

While everything I've written here is absolutely true and from my perspective there are two sides to a story and there are reasons for everything, he is making an effort by agreeing to seek professional help for these issues (appointments and stuff have been and are getting put into place as I write this response) so that doesn't make him an entirely hopeless case at all and while he is a little on the immature side the fact he's acknowledged these issues and agreeing to seek help for them is a fairly mature thing to do on his part, I know of lots of people including my ex who was older and more educated who wouldn't bother even acknowledging that they have a problem let alone agreeing to seek professional help for these types of issues.

He has already been to a Financial Counsellor with me and he was very honest with her about his money issues nd she gave some good advice, he will start to pay his debts slowly but surely and I am paying one of these debts as my name is attached to one of them and I have taken control of the bill paying now although I will say that while he was in control of the bill paying he has never failed to pay the rent (I have seen receipts and if the rent wasn't paid the real estate would have contacted us about it by now)

He has also agreed to join a fitness group (which is run by an acquaintance who is aware of the situation) as this will help with his excess anger as well, I will be joining for similar reasons as well as weight loss.

I don't plan on leaving at this stage as I know more about this situation than what I've mentioned here, I want to support him in getting this help as well as some help for myself as well and see how that goes however as I've said before if there are no positive changes or if therapy doesn't work then I will definitely look at ending the relationship and moving on because like everyone who has responded has said it is wrong, it cannot continue and leaving may certainly be the only option if things don't change for the better.

I apologise for the long post but I felt I needed to elaborate and explain things further...

S...

It's your life, obviously, but (sorry to be a downer) I have my doubts about how possible it is to rehabilitate someone who has reached adulthood being able to get away physically lashing out at people without serious consequences. Even his best friend stopped talking to him but you are sticking around, to my mind you are sending his subconscious brain a message that it's ok to hit women you are dating but not anyone else. Please, at least the next time he lashes out at you - hit him back, and hit him back hard. It doesn't MATTER if he can't control himself, he needs to know there is a painful consequence because then his biology will start to make the connection. Autistic brains can be hard to train because sometimes the body doesn't feel the pain but if you get back at him physically, emotionally, intellectually and with everything else you got, if you make it worse than any meltdown he has ever been through he WILL get the message that hitting others (you) is not something it's EVER acceptable to do.

I totally understand having meltdowns from people telling you what to do which is why I live alone and have hardly any friends and visitors. I had a massive meltdown from which I still haven't recovered just because some people stayed in my house for a week and they weren't the right sort of people. So I get it about him. I don't get it about you do, so, even though it IS your life, please also consider what message you are sending out into the world.

Best of luck for healthy and happy life to you both.

I also wonder how the therapy is going to work too especially since he needs to address his communication issues because a lot of that contributes to his anger management issues and the thing that upsets me is that someone can push his buttons (I know this happens as I know some of the people who do this) and I pay for it verbally or sometimes physically I guess it comes down to the mentality of "Take it out on the nearest and dearest" although he needs to know that's not acceptable hence the reason we're going into therapy.

I too can understand the meltdowns as well and the reasons behind them and we both know what is causing them but he needs to address it and he needs assistance to address the issues and the only way he can address it is to communicate more effectively as well as stand up for himself in social situations when it's necessary to do so.

The main reason I'm continuing to stick by him at this point is that I do love and care about him, I do understand how he operates more than any of his other friends ever will and he deserves a chance to prove that he is capable of addressing these issues, I will say he only has once chance to do that though because I'm done with him if he doesn't.

His friend has forgiven and accepted him back into his life and they are on speaking terms again however I have noticed that the other guys has put a few boundaries in place which is fantastic on his part, I need to do the same if he's to continue playing a part in my life and I am doing that by basically saying he either gets help or I'm outta here...

S...

I don't think I would stick around for any abuse either. I have been described as controlling or demanding in the past myself, but never abusive. The guy will need to find counselling and therapy for sure.

I would even go further with the recommendation and suggest a spiritual outlet (Church for example).

My partner has told me privately that does believe that God exists but he's not what I would call religious nor does he attend church however a spiritual outlet could be something to look at somewhere down the track and the Stress and Anger Management Counsellor we're going to works for a Christian based community services organisation.

He was going to a men's group at a Christian church a while back with a former friend however that friendship is now over due to the fact this friend's new girlfriend started being very negative and down right horrible to be around, on one occasion she sent me some rather nasty messages on Facebook which I dealt with by threatening her with legal action if she did it again, she also took a shot at my partner in these messages and she had antagonised him and myself in the past as well, the friend was also participating in this negativity to a lesser extent but it was still enough to cause problems and he and his girlfriend where among the negative people my partner had removed from his life as I've mentioned before.

He also attends a support group for adults with Aspergers as do I from time to time however the group is sometimes too large and we don't get anything of real value out of it, sometimes we leave there and feel as if we've had absolutely no support at all but there is another one on the other side of town but it's located too far for us to attend.

He doesn't really join the Aspie Facebook groups but then again they can be dodgy as well depending on who runs them and what their agenda is which may or may not be helpful.

Another thing he really needs to do and I hope one of these professionals mentions this to him is to find a hobby that's mentally challenging but fun and inexpensive at the same time.

S....