Is This Stalking?

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Hello all,

Long time reader, first time poster and was hoping someone could help. Long story, by the way!

I met a married woman a few years ago on a course and to say I was attracted to her is an understatement. While this isn't unusual for me, I had a very strong feeling that she liked me which has never happened before. I'm in my early 40s and never been out with anyone. The course only lasted for six sessions and in that time we went out twice (for a drink, and for a meal). Then a month or so after, I went to her house for a meal. I was there for about 8 hours and the time flew by. We had so much in common and made each other laugh, she even offered to make me a mix tape and said she liked Nigella Lawson in the same way that I do.

After I went to hers, things changed and she stopped texting and phoning. I got really depressed after that thinking I was unlovable and that I'd be alone forever.

Fast forward to now, I'm obviously still thinking about her and have got it in my head that if I go and see her that she'll tell that me that she's madly in love with me!

Realistically, I know I need clarification of her feelings for me but I don't know if my (possible) Autism is clouding my judgement and I'm just asking to get hurt.

Yeah...I’d like to “bite” Nigella as well!

It’s only stalking if you persist in texting and calling after she doesn’t answer you—and especially if she told you to stop contacting her.

Hi Kraftie,

Thanks for your reply.

I've messaged her a couple of times over the years, and while she has replied nothing has come from it.

There's part of me feeling that she liked me and couldn't do anything about it at the time (she's now divorced), so if she saw me in person it would be more difficult for her to ignore her feelings.

It’s not a good idea to seek to see her in person, unless you make plans with her to do so.

Yes, this is what the rational part of my brain has been telling me!

Hopefully, I'll have more things to distract myself with once England is out of Lockdown.

Hi Pepe,

I didn't ask, I was too caught up in my own emotions at the time. Something I've regretted ever since.

I couldn't be just friends with her.

The way she was around me and the things she said made me feel that she liked me too. I've never had that impression from my friends.

Prehaps she is straight and feels awkward due to this?

Consider this. I am a man who is straight. Now to me some women attract my sexual senses, but men do the complete opposite. I am not just not interested in men but the thought of being sexual wirh a man makes me feel ill inside.

Now it could be this happens with her? It is not that the person hates you but your friendship ad love to her was completely non sexual, but when she realized that you wanted it on a sexual level, she then cut you off.

It is not that she hates you as a person but it would be that she does not know how to handle the situation so by avoiding you and cutting you off, it is because she does not want to directly say "No".

(And this is the same if she is married or single. I am sorry to bring this news to you as I don't like to dissapoint, but I need to make some things understandable so I hope that you understand).

The confusion between sexual attraction and friendship is one that I struggle with with the opposite sex because I do not notice when women flirt so I can't tell, so I either assume a lady who is being extra nice is attracted to me and I get really told off (I mean a real over reaction when all I did was to ask a lady out) which quickly made me for a great many years (Most of my adult life) refuse to ask ladies out.
And often my Mum would later (Always after the event? Why doesn't she tell me when a lady is trying to flirt?) tell me "Didn't you see that lady who was flirting with you?" and I would say "What lady? Where?" because I don't pick up on subtle things like this, as to me I can't tell the difference between being friendly and flirting unless it is made so obvious that I can't ignore it, and by then in my mind I think "This one is far too forward" and I run the other way!

So I understand that things are not easy.

Sexuality is a difficult thing which is hard to judge and work out if the other person is attracted to you or if the other person is not.

The issue you have is the same one that I have though from a differe t angle, is that women are very hard to read. Men are far easier as they are "On or off" but women have lots of varients inbetween and so can give off one signal but be an entirely different reality.

Hi Mountain Goat,

Thanks for your reply.

She knew I was gay from the beginning, and it was things like saying she liked Nigella in the same way that I do that confused me. As I said, my friends have never behaved in that way (e.g. saying I make them blush/spending hours on the phone with me every day etc).

Always assume that people are straight till proven otherwise.