Making yourself approachable versus being true to yourself.

Post Reply New Topic

I started online dating again last year, and through that I've faced the issue described in my subject.

Namely, I wonder how much to act like myself around women I'm interested in and how much of myself to hold back, so as not to give a bad first impression.

Ideally I'd like to meet a kindred spirit, someone who shares my perspective and with whom I can have an instant and strong connection, but I know that that's a rare thing and rarer still for someone with my mind. Nonetheless, I often find myself not holding back at all during those initial exchanges, rambling on a bit about subjects that interest me (movies, plays, writing) under the belief that the girls who aren't scared away will be the one for me. Of course, it's never worked. Sure some girls stick around long enough for an in-person meeting, and I might get a number afterwards too, but usually things fizzle out before a second meeting if not sooner.

I guess those failures have got me wondering rethinking my approach. Maybe I should try to hold back a bit, keeping my introductions short and sweet while holding back the depths of my interests in the subjects I find compelling. Maybe I could even dial down this unusually articulate and long-winded manner of speaking that I have, which so many people seem to find immediately off-putting.

But to what extent can I keep my real self submerged, and what am I supposed to afterwards. I should say that I have had relationships before, and while I was able to maintain them fi wasn't really happy. I still felt a fundamental lack of connection between myself and the other person, whether because of a difference in brain chemistry or something else, and nothing I could do to change my behavior would lessen that dissatisfaction. Maybe it was better than being alone, as I am now, but it wasn't what I wanted and I wasn't happy.

I don't know where that leaves me, I guess. I don't want to be alone or continue behaving in ways that will keep me alone. However, I can't help but want a deep connection with another person, the kind that would allow me to just be myself, even as I become more convinced that such a connection isn't possible for someone like me.

Anyway, I'm sure other people here have faced the same issues, and I'd love to know how you dealt with them and what advice you have to offer from those experiences.

I can't answer this because that avatar picture of yours bothers me.

That's what I get for being true to myself!

You can be true to yourself and still tone down some of those things you tend to do that turn people off.

I know for one I never understood the one ended conversations Aspies are known for until I met one that was like that. Talking to him was down right DREADFUL.
He didn't know when to stop, he'd talk about things that I couldn't respond to (very narrow subjects I had no knowledge of), and even after I'd tell him to stop, let's change the topic - He'd bounce right back to that same topic. I just wanted to gauge my eyes out.

Long winded rambles is really hard to deal with. The only way I think you can get away with that is if you ramble to someone who has the same interest, and even they may get put off by the fact that they may not get a word in.
I know I can only speak for myself when I say that when that guy would ramble to me, I would tune him out and sometimes even just walk away because being polite and asking him to stop or try to get away from him by nicely attempting to end the conversation didn't work.

My suggestion to you is to ask questions and listen more. Ask about them, let them ramble on about what they love, be interested, engaged, curious.. It gives you the opportunity to really get to know them and see how maybe some of your interests get along with hers. When she talks about something you can see relates to one of your interests, say that and talk a bit about it, but try not to ramble on forever. People get bored easily when talked at. Think about how most people are in a long college lecture where the professor just talks to the students. Then think about a college lecture where they professor actively engages the class by having them answer questions or join in the discussion.

You wouldn't be changing who you are, you just wouldn't ramble as much and give the other person a chance to talk, and especially about themselves. People love to talk about themselves, unless of course you go out with a person who is more curious about others.

I do try to listen as much as possible, not just on dates but in general out of politeness and genuine interest.

I'm mostly just thinking about how to present myself when it is my turn to speak.

Please elaborate. What do you mean by present yourself? Body language? What to say? What?

Body language is part of it, but so is what you choose to reveal about yourself and how much you hold back.

This is going to be similar to what MadeUnderground said but a bit of a different angle. I believe the above really answers itself. You used the word "rambling". That's a negative word, not a positive word. So you already know you are "talking too much" about these things. That is, in your own mind it is a negative trait. So you just have to decide whether A) this is a trait you will always have, so you want her to see it to find out whether she minds it, or B) this is a trait you feel you should work on improving, so you should try not to display it.

Same goes for pretty much anything. Show your good qualities. Show the flaws that will always be there and you cannot change or hide. Hide the traits you are trying to eliminate (the hiding is part of the process of eliminating them, so of course it won't just work magically the first time).