Advice regarding first relationship and complications

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A bit of a long post this but all of the explanation is needed

Over Christmas I developed feelings for a girl at my college (sixth form college as I live in the UK), let's call her C. C, I don't know if you have seen any of my other forum posts in the haven, was always there helping me get out of my bad moods and getting me back into a state so I could get to my next lesson. Obviously, because of this I developed feelings for her and, this Monday I told her I liked her and I was shocked to hear that my feelings were reciprocated. The next day, I sent her an email asking her out and she said yes. All is good.

And then our college gets involved. The safeguarding at our college says that we have to wait four months till she turns sixteen (I am sixteen myself) before we can be in a relationship and, after I sit down with C and discuss this we decide that it is the best course of action. However, even after these 4 months we can't fully be in a relationship because she has an over protective father who will take a lot of convincing.

This is my first relationship and I have absolutely no clue on things.

Has anyone here had the same sort of thing happen to them and got any advice for me, either on relationships in general, on how to be affectionate if neither of us is a fan of public affection and, most importantly, how best to talk to her father about it all after the four months are up

Thanks,
SRT

All I can say is good luck, man.

You need to focus on her dad, primarily, if this is going to work. You are very young and PROBABLY don't really need the hassle of a LTR in your life at the moment. The bright side is that even if you aren't "dating," you can still be close friends, or you can have some kind of secret romance thing going on. This has Romeo and Juliet written all over it, so I'd be careful if I were you.

What I would do is get to know her father, see if you can get him to put you to work around the house, find out what interests him and see if you can keep conversation going, find out if he has any hobbies and see how you can assist or take up that kind of hobby yourself. I'm not exactly the picture of a "manly man," so this kind of thing was always difficult for me. I play the clarinet and was competitive with it throughout high school and university; my father-in-law played trumpet, but otherwise was a member of a prominent cotton-farming family--active until family drama kicked him out of the business (no, we don't have a lot of money). So when I'd go over to her house when we were dating, we didn't have that much to talk about. When I proposed to her, things got UGLY…like, he wouldn't talk to me AT ALL. So one day I asked for his blessing, or his permission, to marry his daughter. Things got CRAZY weird after that, but he stopped looking at me like I was some kind of idiot, ingrate. He died shortly after we got married, and we both miss him a lot. He was a cool guy.

It should be noted we were in our late 20s before we got married and dated for a LONG time before that.

Even if her folks don't LIKE you that much, it's best you take the time to honestly get to know them. Spend so much time with them people start to think THEY are your mom and dad. If you develop negative attitudes towards the potential in-laws, things are NOT going to go well for you. Like, even if you don't NEED advice (don't ask how to date their daughter, btw), ask for advice anyway. About anything. Older people like it when young people look like they depend on them or admire them.

I also understand this is a first relationship for you, so don't get so caught up in it you miss opportunities, perhaps better ones, elsewhere. Young people get caught up in emotion WAY easy. Something might "feel" right at the moment, like it could last the rest of your lives, only for you to figure out a year or two from now that "forever" is a LOOOOOONG time. In my experience, the friendship aspect of the relationship has been the most important part…far more important than the romantic part. I have three children, so believe me when I say romance and "happily ever after" is the furthest thing from our minds right now. What keeps us sleeping in the same bed every night is we LIKE each other too much for LOVE (whatever that means) to get in the way of our friendship. We like each other so much we don't really want to be with anyone else. First relationships are usually pretty bad because you have NO idea what you're doing, so hanging in there for love's sake is only going to end in heartbreak. Toy with the idea of something more than friends--don't let romantic feelings destroy the beautiful friendship that you have. As long as the attraction is there, you won't ever be "just friends." But you can't see the future either, and it would be a shame when something happens that you not only lose a romantic partner but a wonderful friend as well. Dial down the heat a little, take your time getting to know each other. Remember that the biggest, hottest stars burn out the fastest.

Thanks for replying AngelRho.
I have noticed myself that it has Romeo and Juliet written all over it at the mo and, to put how over the top he is into a sentence, he won't allow her to have male friends and doesn't know about my close friendship with C or about the other male friends she has. The only way to get round this in my opinion is for the school to, closer to the end of the four months that we will spend time getting to know each other better in, organise a meeting between me, her, and all of our respective parents as that way he knows who he can talk to if he has concerns about C and also to allow him to get my full background to put his mind at rest.

SRT

@madbird: As a father of a lovely little girl, I have to disagree.

@SRT456: This is going to sound totally contrary to what I just told you, but I can see this from both sides. I still stand by my response to you.

@madbird: Young people do not need to waste time on "relationships" with the opposite sex. It clouds judgment and places too much emphasis on things that interfere with ultimately more important aspects of life. A young woman in this day and age either needs to be focused on meeting education/career goals, which may or may not involve university beyond high school or starting a family. I'm highly in favor of marrying young and starting a family QUICKLY while we're young enough to really enjoy it and have the energy to keep up with kids…it also means you'll have grandkids sooner in life and you'll get to enjoy all that entails. Career and marriage/family need not compete with each other. However, they often do. The smartest girls I ever knew didn't have time for boyfriends in college. Having taken some lumps as an undergrad, I was hardcore insistent in grad school that my undergrad gf at the time keep her nose in her books, with physical intimacy being more of a Sunday afternoon thing or reserved for what limited free time I carved out for myself. Most kids who pair off in college get to wrapped up in relationship drama to really meet their academic potential, and at that stage of the game relationship stress is totally unnecessary and avoidable.

Beginning a career is no different, except maybe you actually DO have free time once work hours are over. But here's the thing about relationships: Men and women are both human beings. We all play "games." We are all, men and women, manipulative jerks. So the only thing any of us can really do is spend time with people, both same and opposite sexes, and get to know them on a personal level. If someone appears eager to move the relationship along to something else, he or she has an agenda and is best avoided. If you find you genuinely like the company of the other person and tend to spend more time with this person than someone else, it might be time to consider an exclusive (romantic) relationship. If there are some juices flowing, marriage might be in the picture. That's when it's a good idea to become involved in each other's families, get to know the and know them well, and decide if this is something both your families' can live with. If her dad acts like a jerk and she's not looking to get away from her family, you might as well be living under the same roof with the guy. If you can handle each other's families or can live with some arrangement should conflict arise, get engaged. Give it 6 months to a year to get all the kinks worked out…not just wedding plans, but what apartment you want to live in, a contingency plan if jobs don't work out the way you want, etc. (never, EVER buy a house in the first year. You need to know how close to the in-laws you want to live before you sign a mortgage, plus you need some money saved up to keep Murphy and his three cousins--Broke, Desperate, and Stupid--from moving into your spare bedroom).

Sure, you can meet some real jerks along the way. Sure, no matter how good you are at judging character, you risk some heartbreak. It doesn't matter whether you start old or young, it's going to happen. The one thing you DO have control over is WHEN you start seriously dating. Your life is stressful enough with school. You don't need the complication of romantic relationships distracting your academic and career pursuits.

Having said THAT…

IF you're going to insist on romantic relationships, you have to keep all this in perspective and strike a balance between being with someone romantically and still getting stuff done. In grad school I dated an undergrad. Having learned my own lessons as an undergrad, I INSISTED that our hangout time while studying was STUDY time. She focused on her school work and my job as her bf was to support her while she did that. I was also very fortunate to be at that school doing what I was doing, so I had to keep my academic time carefully guarded. I was very fond of her and still miss her…but we had to be honest and admit we were going in completely different directions. I was disappointed in some of the decisions she made later on, but it's her life. The point being if you can minimize the negative impact of a relationship on your work, more power to you. Most people tend to struggle with balancing school work/career building with relationships.

As a father, I do have control over what my kids do before I'm forced by law to allow them to leave the house. I care more about my daughter's welfare than to allow some stupid KID to interfere with her studies. I should add my daughter (age 5) ADORES me and spends half her days with me. She's set for a career in music as a pianist if that's what she wants, and she's constantly singing. If she wants to be a songwriter, singer, or follow my footsteps by going to music school, she'll be awesome at it. She doesn't get the option of being inferior, and as long as I have any control over it, boys will NOT be a distraction.

If you're a boy and you want to date my daughter, you have to get past me, her mother, and her brothers. If you can hang with us long enough for us to let you get close enough to her to get to know her, you deserve a LTR with her and marriage. The only way you are going to do that is if you are practically a member of the family already. We can work something out, but don't imagine that I'll make it easy!

I could be totally wrong on this, as my love life has been quite terrible, but the only thing to do really is to continue to be yourself, whoever that is, and do what's right (within the confines of the law, anyway). If neither of you are a fan of public affection, then don't be affectionate in public. Plenty of couples aren't. You're not there to prove yourselves to anyone. I suggest you discuss with her how you can show your affectionate side in private if you haven't already. As for her father, well, I haven't had this problem as much because most girls I've dated have had absent fathers, but I can imagine that the best thing to do would be to sit down and talk to him. Just tell him how you feel about his daughter, and be honest, and don't be scared. If you're scared, it's suspicious. If he can't be reasoned with, then, just date her in secret until the matter is out of his hands.

I would disagree with AngelRho that long term relationships are a waste of time for young people. I think they're quite healthy, and facilitate growth. I know I would have grown more if I had those, instead of several bad flings and one long abusive relationship.

SRT, as long as you keep your wits about you and don't go changing up who you are all of a sudden then there is no reason with why this shouldn't work!

Dads can be over protective, but I'm sure that obstacle can be overcome in time. Meanwhile, just continue to enjoy the presence of someone who is obviously a great friend and (I'm sure) a really nice person.

I don't doubt you're capable of making it happen, from your post history you seem like a strong willed and intelligent person, best of luck to you.

(Don't forget to have fun!)