Worth the Effort?

Post Reply New Topic

I'm not quite sure how to explain this as clearly as possible... but I'm going to try.

I have been dating my boyfriend for, approximately, 11 months. At first, I was hesitant because I did not want to complicate my life with someone else's feelings (or my own). He fell in love with me, and I believe that I am in love with him. He's calm, passive and gentle, on good days (a.k.a on days that I'm not having meltdowns and/or shutdowns). He is, also, aware that I have Aspergers.

The first time I had a meltdown (in front of my boyfriend)... the poor guy was shaking like a leaf. I remember feeling the overwhelming (yet, all too familiar) mixture of emotions bubbling up towards the surface and my first reaction was to flee. My boyfriend made the rookie mistake of putting himself in between me and an exit.

At first, he was understanding. He made promises of doing his research and finding ways of being able to handle that sort of situation, if it were to occur again (and, of course, it did). Only, as the months progressed... my boyfriend, actually, got worse. It eventually became a pissing contest. He became so, incredibly, resistant/defiant (and quite the bully). If I would begin to feel overwhelmed and something he was doing was not helping... I'd ask him to stop. But, to me, it felt almost as if he were purposely trying to trigger a meltdown. Once I would cross that "point of no return", he'd be so pumped up on adrenaline, it would make him aggressive (and scary). He'd shout at me to 'get over it', tell me I was overreacting and would usually tell me to shut up (whether I would be crying or asking him to stop). As much as I possibly could, I'd remove myself from his presence and try to calm myself down. When I'd finally manage to still the raging tide, inside me... my boyfriend, at this point, would be looking remorseful, withdrawn and would appear as if he were some sort of victim of abuse.

I guess, what I'm trying to figure out is... What, in the world, am I doing to cause him to react in such a way? It's incredibly confusing, considering I have gotten quite good at being able to ask someone to stop and I've had so many conversations with him, about what to do and what not to do if I am having a meltdown. So, it's not as if it were difficult to know when I was close to breaking. I don't understand why he would be so blind to the signs. It, honestly, would seem that he just HAS to do the opposite of what's appropriate. When I ask him about it, he tells me that if I want him to handle me properly, during one of my meltdowns... then, I have to calm down, first. Which, is not an easy task for an Aspie, and therefore, makes no logical sense for him to ask this of me. How is it fair that he could push the red button and then, whistle while walking away... as the robot self-destructs. Oh, and while self-destruct has already been initiated, tell the robot (that's in so much distress, pleading for help) to stop making so much noise, and get back to him once it's finally done falling apart.

Sorry, for the rant. I am just at a loss. I'm confused about making a decision to, either, stay with him or leave, because when I am not being so obviously Aspie... he's fantastic. It hurts to think (from observation) that, perhaps, he only loves me conditionally. He loves the positives of my Aspie self but hates the vulnerable and unpredictable part of me, that includes the meltdowns and shutdowns. He's mentioned, several times, that his mood heavily relies on mine. I can't help but feel that this is unfair. So, in order for him to be happy, I must be happy... and if I am having a meltdown, then it's my fault if he attacks me?

I don't know where else to turn. I believe other Aspies might be able to give me some well-needed insight.

Not sure if it's going to help, but it seems like:

1-he's trying to make you overcome it. Maybe he feels like your love for him can make you overcome your aspie traits if you try enough.

2-or he's trying to control you emotionally. This aggressive then guilty-victim attitude sounds a lot like emotional control. It could happen. It seems to be pretty common for aspies to fall in this trap since we don't see other people can have bad intentions, I fell for it once and my aspie friend lots of times. Sorry for saying this and I hope it's not your case, but beware.

I'm not sure either whether this is relevant, but sometimes like attracts like---could he have ASD too? And whether or not he does, he's likely either being unkind OR is truly overwhelmed and frightened when you have a meltdown.

Maybe you could think about whether he shows any effort at trying to accommodate to your needs? Even if not what you want, is he trying and is he coming any closer? Because if he feels it's ok not to try now, it seems unlikely he would suddenly try harder later in the relationship. And if you feel he is really trying, and is just frightened, you could try telling him something when you are both calm that you would like him TO do when you get upset, see if he can. I think that will tell you more than his not doing the right thing when you tell him to stop the wrong thing and he may not know what else to do.

I agree with Linatet, it's hard to see when others are pretending good intentions but underneath disguising ill intent.

I second the idea that this may be about control. Maybe take a look at the "power and control wheel", easily found on-line. Consider his behaviour and whether he is accepting of you or trying to exercise control over you so that he is the one in the relationship who is "right" and in charge.

Continually doing the opposite of what you have asked and telling you that it is your fault is abusive behaviour.