Why do LTR's have to be so *serious*?

Post Reply New Topic

I recently had a situation, and need to vent. On Saturday a week ago, my friend invited me to a trivia night at a bar near his and his girlfriend's apartment. (Yes, they now moved in together; ditto for my other friend and his girlfriend.) To start on a happy note, I learned to get along with both girlfriends. They, in turn, learned to accept me as well, although possibly as a "loveable loser" of sorts. Like the Chicago Cubs, at least until recently .

Now, on a darker note, I was the fifth wheel again. There were six people in total: two couples, me, and another single guy. Well, he had to leave pretty early on, to the night shift he was scheduled to work. And truth be told, I have very little in common with him, so we didn't talk much. I still felt more comfortable with him there, so after he left, I looked like a loser that didn't belong.

It was the most awkward night I had with my friends in over a year. The women were going on and on about what it's going to be like to have a baby, and kept giving each other words of gushing praise and encouragement in that sickly sweet tone of voice. The men kept smiling, nodding, and agreeing, while cuddling with their SO's. Occasionally, the women cuddled with each other while taking selfies. I just sat there like a ghost. On occasion, I blatantly rolled my eyes, or pumped my fist behind my neck, imitating a noose. Although the couples took part in trivia contest, they didn't participate much. They just cuddled and gushed praise at each other the whole time. I ended up turning in most of the answers. Our team didn't win.

The couples' behavior was a dog and pony show!* It's like they were demonstrating to each other, and maybe to the world as well, just how "serious" they became. If I didn't know they loved each other for real, I'd describe the whole night as a staged act. To add insult to the injury, this past Saturday, when I invited the four of them to another trivia contest I found, they turned me down, saying they were cleaning. On a Saturday night! I've been around couples my age, both acquaintance and strangers, who act far more nonchalant about their LTR status. They show genuine respect and affection in public, but their relationship is just, well..., casually there. Then why my friends? What's wrong with loving each other without this "seriousness" dog and pony show?

Now, I know people will accuse me of being "jealous". I could be, if my friends' relationships were actually fun, and not like those in a poorly dubbed soap opera. Which means I'm not jealous in the slightest.

_______
* dog and pony show (US English) - an over-promoted but cheaply done display. Derived from a term used to describe 19th-century rural circuses, with primary acts being dogs and ponies, rather than professional human performers. (I presume they were preceded by massive "Circus is coming to town!! !" street advertisements.)

Last edited by Aspie1 on 13 Nov 2016, 1:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Were you upset because you felt like the two couples were rubbing it in your face the whole time and not enjoying stuff they have in common with single people? I would've felt excluded and a bit sad I think. Sometimes, couples are so involved with relationships that they forget it sucks to watch from the outside.

It has more to do with them acting like anyone who's not "serious" is garbage, rather than rubbing it in my face specifically. That consisted of ongoing blather about how nice it is to get so "serious" so quickly. Mind you, the respective couples went from strangers to engaged in less than a year. It really felt like they were just blowing smoke up each other's rear end, rather than having a genuine conversation. Doesn't need to be an aspie-style science talk (they're NTs, after all), but at least talking about the Cubs or that jerk Trump would have been really nice.

Instead of motivating me see my friends as role models, this makes me want to keep seeing escorts like before.

It's nice to get so serious so quickly, but not if the're just blowing smoke up each other's butts. I do believe it's possible to quickly and genuinely get serious, but it's a rare and strong connection. People who don't get serious aren't garbage though, and I should hope that your friends don't feel that way just because they had a different experience.

Sigh. I'm with you on baby talk, and when they talk to babies, all that cooing and that, *Gasp* "WOW, HE ATE A WHOLE PANCAKE" (when he'd only eaten about a third), or "*Woah*, he can do that!" etc.

Or people getting annoyed at you if you don't make a big fuss over a cute little bundle of s**t like they do.

My sister regularly buys these personalised DVDs, they're really tacky with photos of her family and baby music in the background, and saying really tacky stuff. I can't remember any of it to put here, thank God. But it's OTT, and even when my sister was younger she would've called it tacky.

That, and she like some dumb motherf*ckers around, lets her kids bang things and slam doors. When I've told them not to do it, they've stopped. Why are they allowed to be so misbehaved??? And I'm also thinking of my nan's next door neighbours, yet my family just allow it all to happen.

As for your friends being in relationships, I dunno what to say really. I've never been around couples who have acted that way around me, they've always been a lot more conservative than that.

Maybe you should tell your friends how disgusted you are by them and their girlfriends and that you don't like them anymore, Instead of suffering through things like trivia nights with them.

Why would those two couples accept an invite to another trivia night with you when you demonstrated by your behaviour (not speaking, eye rolling, fist-noosing) that you weren't enjoying yourself, were uncomfortable, and didn't contribute anything positive to the social night?

They were all just too polite to say "uuuuh, thanks but no thanks.. not interested in hanging out with you like that again." and that's why they said they were "cleaning."

As for serious, LTR's are. Especially in the lovey-dovey honeymoon phase of the first year or so before people tend to really relax. It's not a hookup or a casual date, it's a LTR & it's supposed to be more serious.

It's my friends' actions that pretty much make me never want to have an LTR of any kind. My friends' relationships are just so... serious. Being around them feels super-uncomfortable, and I haven't hung out with either friend one-on-one in over a year. Heck, they refused to even to go the gym with me! Because that meant leaving their girlfriend behind, and "it's not what a loving relationship is about". By contrast, I've met couples who I didn't even know were together until they explicitly told people. They had none of that "We're a loving, committed couple; I can't believe singles don't all settle down!" kind of attitude.

At this point, I'm losing the ability to care. Plus, the only times I did that is when the women gushed in a sickly sweet tone about how good commitment feels, or something similar. Not to mention, I still have my interest groups, as well as the 22-year-old female friend I first met on Tinder. My original reaction to her not wanting to date me was quite negative, directed inward, rather than at her. But given how my friends essentially kicked me to the curb, that I decided to give her friendship a chance. Well, she proved herself to be a good friend time and time again, that I completely changed my tune, and now enjoy having her in my life. Her being a great hugger is a nice bonus. And one more thing: I don't think I want to introduce this girl to my long-time group. Her playful, non-threatening persona will clash with the hyper-serious, hyper-mature vibe of everyone else (excluding me).

Well, yeah. Obviously, it's not a hook-up or a one-night stand. Not to mention that as an aspie man, I'm permanently barred from having those. So I don't even compare them against LTR's. Buy why do LTR's have to be so damn serious? What's so bad about just enjoying the company of a romantic partner, without making it so intense or turning it into a dog and pony show? Age and biological clock be damned.

My past girlfriend (in 2009) was very much like this. She wanted to get serious hard and fast, by the second date, and she used sex to sell me on the idea. I picked up on her intentions, and had an internal panic attack, to the point of losing the ability to "stand up". She, in turn, picked up on my resistance to settle down with her, and dumped me shortly later. Oh well, it was for the best.

Last edited by Aspie1 on 13 Nov 2016, 11:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Well, that's BS. You may choose not to have one night stands and that's just fine, but myself and other aspie men have had many. Of course they're not comparable to LTR's. Again, LTR's are serious.. but they don't have to be all gushy and lovey co-dependent style all the time. My married friends still hang out with their respective friends independently of each other and their kids. I wouldn't want to be in a super clingy relationship.

Actually, I would love to have one-night stands. But as aspie man, I lack the social skills needed to find them; possibly looks too. So I make do with hiring escorts. While I occasionally had thoughts about how nice an LTR could be, as opposed to paying $300 per sexual encounter, seeing my friends' relationships, and how serious they became, made swear off all LTR's for the rest of my life. OK, maybe until I'm at least 60, but only because by then, my health will decline enough to prevent me from having much fun to begin with. At which point, a girlfriend (if such a term is even fitting for a senior citizen) will be a welcome addition to my life, as opposed to a hindrance.

I agree.

Most LTRs actually are too serious. Then again, I guess the seriousness of LTRs just come with adulthood.

It seems the only way you can have fun with someone anymore is if it's an FWB or STR, even though I'd never be interested in either of these things.

I guess I want a halfway between FWB and LTR.

FWB = you hang out and have fun together, with sex on the side, but you're still just friends.

LTR = Serious serious serious. You can't get intimate too early because they don't trust you yet, you can't take too long for them to get more intimate or they'll dump you, you've got to be financially successful and always improving, you can never remain stagnant. If you're unemployed your S.O. wants you to work, or study, you pretty much must now not for yourself but for them, otherwise they'll see you as an unproductive member of society, after a year or so you must move in with them, you must eventually pop the question or they may decide you are 'uncommitted', etc. you must eventually have kids with them, etc.

In my experiences, culturally speaking many Australian households are matriarchal - the woman of the house's word goes.

When it comes to having a girlfriend, I don't care about job, income, education level, independence, etc.

I'd be fine with dating a girl on disability who plans to live at home and stay jobless and never learn to drive for the rest of her life.

Whatever.

Personally I'm far more ambitious than that.

I just want a normal looking girl who's fun and easy to talk to and spend time with, we hang out together, etc. and have sex on the side but also love each other and have a romantic relationship together, that never goes more serious beyond 'two people just hanging out in their spare time as friends, as romantic lovers, and as sexual partners'.

At the very least I'd rather the natural progression in seriousness of the LTR to be MUCH slower than the average LTR.

Maybe instead of moving in together after say 2 years, it takes us 6 years. Instead of having to propose after 6, it takes us 12 years, etc.

And risk losing those friends altogether? I wouldn't take that risk if I were him. Unless he dislikes them enough to not want them anymore anyway, of course. I mean it's up to him at the end of the day.

Because babies.

You know, you and my lady friend I mentioned earlier (she's 22 and very nice) would probably get along really well. At least as friends, since 17 and 22 is too big of an age difference romantically. She does want an LTR in general, from what she told me so far, but she's nowhere near as serious and intense as my friends' girlfriends have been. Quite the opposite: she has that playful, goofy streak that I find very endearing, and we both like to dance. Should me and her ever start dating, I'll have to accept the fact that we can never take a train together (an activity I hoped to do), since she gets motion sick on trains. But I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

I don't want to lose my long-time friends, but I think I'm halfway there already. I realize I can't give my friends sex, or whatever they refer to as "love" (must be an NT thing I'll never understand). But my first loyalty, in terms of spending time, is now my social interest groups, rather than them.

Well he posts about how much he dislikes being around his friends and their girlfriends rather often, so figured maybe he'd be better off not hanging around them anymore. Though it may be better to just spend less time around them then totally burn the bridges I suppose.