Problems with saying 'I love you' often?

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I wondered if anyone who is in a relationship/ has had a past relationship can relate to this?

Basically, my partner had to train me to be able to say 'I love you'. The problem wasn't that I didn't love him; he knew that wasn't the problem, as he does 'feel' loved by me in the way I care for him and basically adore him. I had a problem with saying 'I love you' for the first time, because I found that emotion overwhelming and kind of scary. However once I had finally managed to say it back, there was another problem; I had never understood why people in relationships say 'I love you' to each other so often. It seemed silly and irritating to me. Me trying to say it back to him when he said it again the next day, then the next, made me cringe because I felt like I was stating the obvious and I didn't understand the need to keep repeating it. My response to my partner saying 'I love you' after he'd already told me, at first was: 'I know', with the thought in my head 'why are you telling me again? You have already told me - I would have thought it would be obvious that I know the love probably hasn't worn off in the last 24 hours'

However, the other week we had a break-through, when I came across the same issue explained in Tony Attwood's complete guide to Asperger's. I thought about it a bit more, and realised I had been misunderstanding the reasons behind this 'I love you' statement. I hadn't realised that when people say this regularly, after the first time they say it, they aren't trying to inform someone of this fact, as they do know their partner already knows they are loved. The reason to repeat it often is to simply show affection, I think.

I asked my partner about this and we agreed that the 'i love you' statement is like 'verbal hugs' Seeing it as 'verbal hugs' makes more sense to me and I am now more comfortable with saying 'I love you' to him randomly, and saying it back to him sometimes, as I have re-framed it as being similar to randomly giving hugs. I wouldn't think that once a hug is given, it is pointless to hug him again the next day or whatever, so I have applied that to 'I love you'. If that makes sense? I think I quite like hearing it and saying it now, as long as it is not every hour.

There's also the different male/female attitudes to consider here. Experience has taught me that women want to hear those three little words often and on a regular basis, although I have no idea why this constant reassurance is necessary. Men on the other hand just seem to assume that their partner still loves them well after the initial statement unless proven otherwise.

The male approach seems more logical, but then I suspect that women are not driven by logic (and I'm now going to take cover after making that statement )

Discuss

It's all too easy to get used to tossing those three words around like candy in the beginning of a relationship, but there comes a point where you have to recognize just how serious a commitment they represent. At that point, I begin to get very uncomfortable with throwing them around like some meaningless catchphrase.

If the other person expects it all the time, it starts to feel very needy, as though they are making me personally responsible for their emotional well-being and that's just too much for me to handle. It makes me feel overwhelmed. At that point, I don't want to say it anymore, not because I don't care about them anymore, but because I can't even maintain my own emotional stability, much less try to keep my own wheels between the ditches and drive their car, too.

Then I start to feel bad, like I'm letting down someone I care about and that makes it even more overwhelming and suddenly I'm resenting even being in the damn relationship. Autistic Love, like every aspect of Autistic Life, sucks. It's a warped, painful parody of what normal life is supposed to be like.

I say it often, and it's reciprocated. My reason is to not take for granted the time we have together. I don't want to take anything for granted, or leave anything important unsaid.

I tend to say it alot if not too much. I get excited when I love someone. I tend to hug a lot, say I love you often, and desire to do romantic things. I'm not sure most women like hearing it often though, so I tend to feel bad later.

At the very most once a day is how often to say it. I would probably say it less than that, because saying those words to me are genuine.

Eccles_the_Mighty - *throws rocks at the man who says women aren't logical* I suspect that is a reasonably true generalization from what I have heard too, although I have queries about men V women brains I think I shall leave for another topic so I don't go really off-topic



Willard - I think the needy feeling is one reason I still have some remaining discomfort over it. I don't think my partner actually is needy, he just likes saying it, however I worry that it seems to have an increasing frequency then it begins to feel a bit tiring for me to say it as much as him, which does defeat the object of the fact it's meant to be a nice thing to say and hear. And then I worry that if I stop saying it for a while so that I can get the meaning back, the previous frequency would make the sudden absence strongly apparent and I don't want that to indicate any non-love. However seeing as my partner knew I originally had a problem with it and why, I think I may just need to tell him if I am going to have a break from it or reduce it, and why.

Ah, well, I don't really like going straight ahead and say it. I kind of like the mystery of the words I choose so I try to keep them as powerful and awesome as possible. So I don't say it because it's just a very common phrase. I kinda like to mix things up a bit, apparently.