Really Would Like Some Relationship Advise. G/F wants more..

Post Reply New Topic

Hi, new to this forum but been browsing a few topics. Lots of wonderful people and advise and people speaking my language.
Lots I can relate to, really nice to read.

I am unsure where to turn to for this advise and really hope people who understand my mind set could offer two pennys worth.

Just so people know I am 25 years old and have A.S but only diagonsed aged 22, I also have Dyspraxia which was diagonsed aged 11 but they did not look further into it sadly so for years I always felt there was something more that was different about me that I could not put my finger on.

I have a strong enjoyment and reliance on a fixed rigid routine,my own special hobbys and solitude. I get easily tired and overwhelmed by social interaction and can cope with it only a limited amounts.

I have a girlfriend of 7 months (23) who for the most part could not better suited for me having grown up with a brother with severe Autism and she works with special needs children at a playgroup and as a teaching assistant in school. She knows my limits better than anyone and we do love each other very much.

However, she has made it clear she would like us to live together in the future and wants a family.

I do not feel I could cope with that nor have I ever wanted children, it wouldn’t be fair on them as I would be terrible and I know I would get very unhappy.

She thinks I am letting my disabilty hold me back and it will make me happy and I can do it. She wont entertain the idea of not being with me though and said she only wants me and that I don’t have to make a choice now (I already have and said so…) and I might change and come round to the idea later. ( I really wont).

I really really do not want this and its making me so anxious every day I am worrying about this now and its causing me to feel on the verge of a breakdown. I do not see any point in being a relationship with the ends goals so different, but she gets very upset about the idea of not being with me. I can not stand the thought of hurting her. She was very upset when she found out I was very reluctant to the idea.

My mind is fixed and its stubborn I know that, I know she is good for me but I know that losing my life lines of my routine,being alone and special interest will make me very depressed. I cant bear the feeling of entrapment I am in and feel I would be in. And I did make it clear before we started the relationship there were a lot of limiations being with me but she said she didn’t mind.

Dont get me wrong she is amazingly supportive to me, doesnt mind I dont like parties or cant stand bright lights/noise and sometimes I just can not talk. She understands me so well in basically everything but this...

She wont even discuss it now and gets angry if I try and raise it. She just expects we stay in the relationship and I will come round to it…I asked her what if in 5 years I again say No and she just said that she didn’t want to think about that.

I suffer terrible anxiety from tiny things….this is a major thing so as I said its on my mind 24/7 now.

I am sorry this probably more agony aunt related but she wont accept my condition will not allow the relationship to go the way she wants and I am just not trying and I cant bare this hanging at me gnawing on my mind. I cant enjoy anything now.

Please if you can offer any thoughts I would be so grateful I don’t know where to turn...

I love her very much, but the idea of living with someone..no matter how accomendating terrifies me and as for having a family..thats a definate 100% NO. I could not cope and I do not want it, but she insists I am just letting my fear and disabilty of something I have never tried before get the better of me.

I am not sure I can live with someone...my solitude,routines are everything to me. Logically I feel she should break up with me because if she wants children she deserves them, but she only wants them with me and said she will never love any one else but me.

I feel so trapped...I love her but I wish I had not got into this to be honest..its too much to handle...

I dont know what to do?

That's a really difficult situation. I think you need to tell her that you don't want to discuss it any more. You've told her you don't want to move in together and have kids and it is up to her if she wants to stay with you or have all that with someone else.
You have said she's generally very understanding. Does she know how much anxiety the issue is causing you?
Also remember that if you are sleeping together there is always the (small) possibility she could get pregnant as no contraception is 100% effective.

I'd be scared if some girl was talking to me about that and I'd only been with her for 7 months.


Especially if it's to the point that she's determined you both will move in together and have kids at some point and the disagreement between that is causing stress in your relationship that you two have been in... for 7 months.


I dunno about you man, but I would definitely try to sit down and talk to her about slooowwwing down with the whole moving in and popping out kids thing.

Thank you Rabbers for your advise. She knows its causing me anxiety but wants me to have time to think about ..i.e years..
Which is torture as the answer will still be no.

I sleep with her in the sense of same bed but I have not ever been intimate with her, something she would like but said not in a rush for (but I can tell would like me too soon..)as I am a bit scared of that really. I am actually thinking of getting a Vasectomy just to safeguard this to be honest with you.. yes that is how serious I am on not having children .thanks for your concern on that.

I will try and bring it up again and make it clear i do not want children, she said it is part of who she is though..and yes I really do think the logic thing is she should break up with me, I know it will make me sad and her sad but at the same time...the alternative is much scarier. I would ultimatley be unhappy having a family with her. She will get what she wants in the respect of the family but I would just be miserable and a mess.

But the way its going I think she just thinks in time I will improve and step by step get used to the idea and so doesnt want to break up with me. As I said she refused to even consider what she would do if in 5 years I still said no. I said "Wouldnt you then not want to be with me" and she just got angry and told me not to ask her questions like that.

Thanks MadeUndreground.

I know..7 months is not long.. ( well its long in the sense its the longest I have been with a girl) and everything was great till this came up . I thought I had made it clear about the limitations there would be being with me but guess not quite clear enough.

I feel terrible as her family are very supportive of the relaitonship and me but some are a bit ..too supportive making jokes about when I am putting a ring on her finger and saying they hear wedding bells. They say it in jest but as some of you may understand, jokes arent always well read by people like us... so it makes me more anxious.

You are both postponing an inevitable argument with an undesirable outcome for you both. She WANTS kids. You DON'T.

End of. I'm sorry.

I wish she would see it that way MegaBass... Thanks for your blunt honesty, thing is I know you are right.
But she does not seem to believe me and wants to give me time to think about it so wants us to continue as normal :S

To shortcut, sorry for blatancy; What I'll end up trying to say in a long message is that that you may change your mind, she may change her mind, there's no point breaking up about it -now- when you're only 7 months into the relationship and she doesn't want a baby -right now- anyway and was just talking about babies and -your- scenario sketching future planning mind came to the conclusion that "it doesn't fit into my plans" and made a "since it won't work in 5 years, we may as well break up now" issue out of it.

Just look at your life now, and think back about how you thought 1, 2, 5 years ago what it would look like and things you said would never happen to you or would never do.

Hi Rabbers.
No I have not mentioned the Vasectomy yet but I do think the way her mind is going, yes she will likely point out they can be reversed .

I'm with Autinger on this. Sometimes I think getting advice from fellow Aspies can be detrimental, and in this case, even more so. Not because our opinions aren't valid. They are. But because people with autism are known for being stubborn, close minded and not accepting of our routines being broken.

I speak for myself. Any signs of changes to my life, and my first word is "NO". It takes me a long time to get used to the probability of something changing, and even then, I am going through a pool of anxiety and deep down I *know* it's never going to work.

But age and experience and reading a lot about Aspergers and other people's experiences, has taught me that everything is possible. Easy? No. But if you think you can't win a race before you have even left the starting line, you will *never* win the race.

I am with you in the sense that I have been saying for years that I am happy on my own, and I have no one to answer to, my space is scared and I would hate living with anyone. Why spoil a receipt that works? That's how I always thought. And the fact that I was once married and hated the whole experience, which almost resulted in a catastrophic result, had I not walked away, I was even more convinced of this.

The difference is that now I am trying to relax more and be open to the possibility that that may change. Who knows I find someone who respects my autism and can live with me and respect my space too? It's difficult but not impossible. I have read testimonials of other who have. Mainly Aspie/Aspie relationships, but there are many NT's out there who are very empathic and know a lot more about us than most of our families for example.

I'm just saying to give yourself time. Try to do what I did and relax. I know it's easier said than done, but you have time on your hands. And time can be very kind to Aspies. We may need a lot of it to get used to an idea, but if it's right and it's worth it, we will embrace it and enjoy. And if it doesn't work? You are no worse off than you were before you tried.

Good luck.

it seems like a case of different life goals and wants. like others said you might change but might not.

personally i love living with someone and crave it but don't have it and i want kids. i have talked to women who don't want children and i didn't bother with all but one. i may never have kids but i want them and i want my gf to want them too.

7 months isn't long? heck i'd move in with a gf after 3-4 if i had one providing we've been spending lots of time together. i had a girl stay with me for 4 days and i loved it though the sleep was odd but i imagine i'd adjust but sadly it was long enough to decide i wasn't good enough for her.

so idk your situation sounds tough, i could see how loving her would counter your own wants and cause anxiety and stress, sadly i can only see myself in her role short run i could be with someone that don't want kids but long term i fear it might lead to resentment however i have no ideal what to do with kids from 0-5 o.O and yet i want kids maybe i'm crazy

Thanks for your advise everyone.
I agree Sly that short term yes it can work but the underlying anxiety for me is this feeling that I know I wont change my mind.
But she believes I will so is not willing to end it as she said she only wants to be with me and could never love anyone else and only wants kids with me.

Which to me...Im not the sort of person that can hurt someone like that so badly...yes it could just be a line that I am sure people use all the time..but for someone like me it is hard to tell.

Thank you for your replies everyone it helps me to think.

i get the anxiety trust me, it sucks as for her feeling you're the only one i fetl that about a lady for a year but it ended and i eventualy started going on dating sites again.

yeah i get that idk if i could do it either, when i have to tell a woman i don't find her attractive i freeze up and go silent which i guess can be more hurtful and come off mean but i just can't say that :S