Not codependence, enmeshment, or holding hostage but...

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Onewithwings
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05 Feb 2014, 8:31 am

What is it when two people in a relationship are afraid to leave or choose not to leave based on the fact that they depend on each other or are afraid of what might happen to the other person's well-being if they leave?


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hurtloam
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05 Feb 2014, 8:32 am

Trapped



Onewithwings
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05 Feb 2014, 8:36 am

Well that's a good word for it I guess. Although we are not REALLY trapped, we could both get along okay with a bit of inconvenience, but I feel like this is the reason we are together. :(


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cavernio
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05 Feb 2014, 8:56 am

Similar to the way I felt about being in my marriage. Except I very much did enjoy being my husband, just not enough.

Also may be a high need for support by either person, or not being able to find enough support elsewhere, either financially, emotionally, day to day...all that stuff matters.

Marriage used to be built around building a structured, strong home that was financially sound and not so much around love. That's where the importance of family comes into play also. Small groups of people that were co-dependent.

But nowadays that's not so much how it works. And that's a good thing, because you are free to choose to leave your SO or stay with them as you choose, you don't have nearly as much social stigma to deal with. But at the same time, support is still necessary, and so that's why don't want to leave.

I don't know why people don't talk more about this. Everyone's always like, rekindle love, don't stay with them if you don't have a loving relationship...if it's not about love in a relationship, it's not worth it. But quite honestly, if you have no where else to turn, being with someone's better than being homeless.
Until you find someone else you'd rather be with at least, then you've got a right mess on your hands.

If you need to get out, there must be some sort of social assistance, government funded programs both of you can turn to for some help.


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Onewithwings
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05 Feb 2014, 9:03 am

Thing is, we get along and enjoy each other's company just fine, I'm just getting the feeling that we are not going to go anywhere in this relationship. He has been staying with me for 3 months but doesn't technically live here. We are both able to at least get by financially alone. It will be different if we split and we might have some difficulties, but we'd be okay.

I am afraid that he is too concerned with how I will handle the stress of a breakup to actually do it, but I don't think he sees us going anywhere either. I am at the point where I at least need to know if we are on the same page, you know?


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cavernio
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05 Feb 2014, 9:20 am

Well, sounds like you should tell him how you feel, or not feel, about him. Get this sorted out with him.
A relationship of convenience could potentially work, but boundaries would be questionable. If you wanted to see other people, there's still a possibility to share your living space with him and talk to him about things etc like friend, or even have an open relationship. But that looks so easy on paper only.

It's probably just easiest overall to end it though. Complicated romantic relationships are complicated.


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Onewithwings
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05 Feb 2014, 9:33 am

Yes, here is the long version here: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt251434.html

which explains more about it


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yournamehere
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05 Feb 2014, 10:05 am

a man does not need much to be in a relationship. sometimes your presence is enough. you seem to be a needy little girl. how do you figure you are not going to feel the same way with a bazillion other guys. a boyfriend is not a hobby. maybe you should get one. and please, forgive me for being me.



Onewithwings
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05 Feb 2014, 10:17 am

A. I am 27. I have a school-age son. I am not a "little girl".
B. "needy" is relative, and having needs and desires and standards is not a negative trait.
C. I never said having a boyfriend was a hobby, what did I say to suggest that? I have plenty of hobbies. What do you mean about "feel that way about a bazillion other guys"? Feel what way, exactly? I'm sure I will feel a lot of ways about a lot of people in the course of my lifetime. This has nothing to do with my current relationship issue.


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