Ridiculed for trying to find love?

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I was just reading another thread where the comment was made that you need to work at finding love.

Has anyone had the experience where they feel like they have been ridiculed and made fun of for trying to look for love?

I have had that experience. The people that treated me like that are not my friends anymore because I realised that they weren't very nice to me, but I am still left with a hurdle to get over. This hurdle is the feeling that I am pathetic if I need to make an effort to look for love. For example I like someone now, but I feel like if I try and spend more time with him people will point and laugh and be saying how silly I am. For all I know he's going out with someone I've never met and we just haven't been around each other at the same time. It's the kind of thing I would do. Blunder in where I'm not wanted. But if I ask people if he's single, I feel like I'll just get laughed at.

It feels like I'm doing something that I'm not supposed to be doing, but in my heart I think I'm doing the right thing, whereas I feel like I'm always fighting the people around me trying to prove that I am right and it just wears me down to the point where I don't try any more.

Does anyone else struggle with this?

I fee as if I am ridiculed by telling the person I like that I wanted to be with them. It's like, they like me up to that point and then turn around and say "oh... yeah... I'm not sure about you anymore." Pretty much this means "you killed the challenge for me." Pretty much any woman I chased or liked that I said to them "I like you" gets turned off. This is where I feel ridiculed at finding love.

Other men when I talk about it tell me "You need to stop worrying about this and focus on what you can do for yourself" which I find to be more constructive. While another lady tells me "You need to find a way to stop pushing women away. Stop being repetitive. Stop talking in an obsessive manner." which is also pretty constructive.

Edit: I also find that I do my best to avoid the mistakes of my past dating experiences and relationships. But considering my personality, I have a tendency to feel as if I am doing something wrong from time to time. But then I realize that I am more on the introverted side than extroverted. The extroverts have very little understanding as to why someone like me needs my space to regain my energy.

Last edited by aspiemike on 23 Nov 2013, 9:39 am, edited 1 time in total.

People will often ridicule you if you pursue someone who's way out of your league.

I feel this way. I think it is part of having AS, not being sure about what to do, not wanting to repeat past mistakes.

You have to be around quite some bitchy people to have that stuff happen to you.

How do you find out what is your league?

I remember a friend suggesting some guys to me who I thought were 'beneath me' if I am perfectly honest. I mean, I am acquaintances with these people but would never consider going out with either of them because they have serious mental health issues. Which is probably very bitchy of me but I don't care. I just don't want to go out with nutters, one of us in a relationship is more than enough

But it did make me think - do I even know what my league is? I really don't.

I was reviewing some footage from a high profile event I organised and I saw myself briefly on camera on a stage with two very high profile people - I mean Internationally high profile. Now, I don't find either of them attractive and would therefore consider they were not in my league, however they are very much Way out of my league professionally speaking. So, that was actually confusing and especially as I saw my posture and how I looked and moved which was a weird experience to see yourself almost as someone else and I realised I have no idea how I come across to people or what league others may choose to put me into.

I always kept asking people what they thought of me when I was younger because I could just never tell and deciding 'leagues' for dating is just as confusing.

hurtloam, out of curiosity, is this you in the avatar or is it just a celebrity I don't know?

I see leagues as a matter of whether or not people could see your kissing that man/woman without thinking to themselves, "How did that happen?" It just comes down to social expectations and acceptability.

Attraction isn't always driven by those factors, though, and that's where the possibility of dating outside your league arises. People may not understand why a certain man or woman might be attracted to you, but that person's tastes might still lead him or her to you anyway.

I don't see that as a criterion for leagues. My parents are from two different ethnic backgrounds, which sometimes had people staring or thinking 'how did that happen'. But they were both very educated, dressed well, and they modelled when they were younger. Many people also thought: wow, what a sweet goodlooking couple. So I think it's more a matter of level of attractiveness, 'aura' and other factors such as education, social skills, etc. The things that make someone to be percieved as 'succesful'.

The point was how do I know if I am out of some guy's league. Let's say I like a guy - how can I tell if I am 'within my rights', so to speak, to think of him in a romantic way? If I like him, I am obviously going to think it's perfectly fine for us to be seen together. I mean, I always thought my ex was out of my league but we were together for years and got married, bought a house, had kittens etc. so what was that all about?

When he attracts more random women than you attract random men, he would be considered out of your league I think.

If all the girls look at him, but not at you and when girls try to shamelessly snoop him off of you or whatever you call it, right in front of your nose, while guys leave you alone or even hide from you.

^ you must be very young?

This doesn't work in the same way when you are older.

What Uprising said is the best indication of what league you are; there's no clear definition of Leagues but it's all about conventional attractivness (and not necessarily just looks).

But how can you tell this when you've just met someone? It makes no sense. And also, if I meet someone at a work thing, we are both out of our usual context so whatever happens cannot be a very useful indication of what is going on with either of us in most of our lives. Like, I always come over as bubbly and friendly when you first meet me in person, so it's a shock to people when they get to know me better and realise I am a grumpy recluse. So people often want to get to know me because on the surface I seem like I am someone important but then they get to know me and realise that I am not. And plus men flirt outrageously for sheer sport even when they don't mean to do anything about it. Lots of men do it specially those in relationships.

this is not helpful advice to me at all. Anyway, I think I can probably have anyone I want if I really want them, but I just don't really want anyone That much because the trade off is not worth it in most cases. Relating to people is painful. Even here on line it feels like I am just putting in effort and getting nothing of value in return. (sorry, I am sure you mean best, but it just isn't what I need)

It's Sofia Helin who plays Saga Noren in Broen. You seriously have to look this show up if you've never heard of it. It's a Danish/Swedish police drama (you can get versions with subtitles). It's the show The Bridge is based on. I really relate to Saga Noren. I think that people in my office see me that way too. She's good at her job, but not very good at social skills.

I look more like Aarti Mann from The Big Bang Theory.

I've read somewhere that the most "alpha" labeled women in this world tend to be loners often because of self-dependancy, while it actually wasn't the same for men who were considered alpha, they still needed more than good looks in order to perceive and keep that alpha status to society.