Request for n00b dating advice: approaching a very shy girl

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Guys, I need your help again.

There is, again, a girl in the orchestra. She is so shy that she is easily overlooked; on the other hand, it's eye-catching that she fails to integrate into the group. Thereby, she reminds me very much of myself. She doesn't ever seem to initiate a conversation with anyone. I always make sure to greet her as friendly as I can, and she usually responds (in an equally friendly and socially awkward manner), but I'm not sure if she would be comfortable being approached further.

On Wednesday, I had to take the bus home because my bicycle was broken. She took the same bus. First, we spent 10 minutes standing next to each other without talking at the bus stop. In the bus, I could have sat across from her, but I didn't because I wasn't sure if that would be creepy (there was no-one else from the orchestra on the bus).

So... I kind of have the impression that this is my turn. She is usually very early for the rehearsals, so it would be technically easy to just walk up to her and talk to her (first of all, I don't even know her name, so I already have a conversation starter...). But is this the right thing to do? On the one hand, I hesitate because she isolates herself so much, but on the other hand, I don't think she does it on purpose.

Just to clarify my intentions: I'm not trying to get laid here as quickly as possible, and she might be too young for me anyway (not legally, but socially); but I have the impression that we are temperamentally compatible, and therefore, I should do something.

Yes! Speak to her! Even if you don't hit it off for dating you may make a friend. Try asking her name and saying something like "I see we take the same bus sometimes" then ask if she's new to the area or if she likes something or other in the area. Do not be afraid to say "I'm kind of shy but I'd like chat with you and maybe be friends". Even if you want to date her instead of friends, start off with saying friends. The shy thing will be obvious, so it's best to get it out in the open. She may say she is too or something like that. She also may not know what to say but may be interested in you. Remember in the movie "Rocky" where he started talking to the very, VERY shy girl Adrian at the pet store? She could be that shy. Rocky wasn't exactly smooth either. But he told her up front that he wasn't good at making conversation and wanted to take her out. You can say that or say you want to chat and maybe be friends. Either way, say something and let us know how it went please.

ETA; Looking back to when I was much younger and very, very shy I can tell you that I wouldn't have known what to say if a guy had talked to me, but I would have waited for him to ask me a question that I could answer so I'd have something to say. Think of some topics. Also, I know I said to mention the shy part already but I think it's really important that you do that because she knows she's shy and may think it's a bad thing, so if you tell her that you are too then it would put her more at ease.

Great advice above.

Yes, yes, yes...talk to her! Be patient, though. She could well feel uncomfortable, though still want to talk - also, she could be conscious of her own shyness. Don't worry about some pauses in conversation.

I found that asking out and dating shy girls helped me overcome a lot of my dating shyness - because I started thinking about how the other person was feeling, and how to help them be more comfortable...it became less about memememe. It also meant that I had to take a lead role on dates and planning activities, and helped me be more assertive socially without becoming too dominant, if that makes any sense.

Thank you. Our starting positions are a bit asymmetrical because I'm the concert master and she sits in the back row of the violas. Also, I don't seem shy at a first glance because I usually hang out with the other mathematicians during the breaks. So it's certainly up to me to do something here. She sometimes stands close to us when the other mathematicians and I are talking; maybe I manage to invite her to join us.

Yes, invite her to join you, then move to the periphery of the group quickly with her so you can talk one to one with her.

It is up to you, and your efforts could be really appreciated.

I agree, talk to her! You could say something as simple and honest as "You know, we've been playing in the same orchestra for weeks but we've never really talked to each other", and go from there. I get the impression that you really don't know or talk to anyone in your orchestra, but I think that it would be extremely helpful for you if you could get to know each and every person in it. I assume that you're around these people pretty frequently, and you must practice together a lot, so it's only natural that you know all should know each other. I mean, you're even the concertmaster! That's got to carry some weight with everyone there!

This is all great advice! So open up to her and see what happens.

Report from the rehearsal today: I talked to her. :):)

During the break, I was talking to a mathematician again, and as I noticed that she was standing close to us, I said "hi", and she joined us. She didn't say a lot because is so shy, and I didn't talk to her one-on-one, but now I know her name, and I hope that she realizes that I'm friendly to her.

She has three heads?

NEWSFLASH FOR L&D SECTION - Man talks to woman. And the world hasn't ended!


Good start. Look, even if it doesn't come to anything, you're doing something positive, and probably helping two people grow. That's got to be good.

Are you sure? In fact, I talk to women all the time, but it's mostly related to my studies...


Let's see... She is just as shy as me: check. She's a science student: check. She plays a string instrument: check. What can possibly go wrong?

No, seriously: I think the last part of what you said is very important here. Her behavior indicates that she has a long history of being ignored, and I think I could make her feel a bit better already. My life is meaningful, yay!

Now it seems like I have to talk to her one-on-one. That's going to be the hard part.

I've been thinking about this and I'm a bit overchallenged right now. The problem is that I don't see her more frequently than once a week on average, and I'll only have about 10 minutes each time (during the break of the rehearsal). This way, it cannot work.

I'm not sure if she uses any social network (I don't really do); I could ask her about her e-mail address, but I will probably get it from the updated orchestra members list soon anyway, and I still don't know if that would help anything, as writing her an e-mail sounds like a very awkward experience.

Yes, I know that the rule says that I should ask her out on a date straight, but in this case, this would probably freak out both of us. I don't really know her so far, and I'm not sure if it's a good thing to flood her with questions during the 10-minute breaks of the rehearsals, either.

I need to find some way to talk to her in a friendly but still personal environment, without the pressure of being in a dating situation. Any ideas?

Whatever dating rules you have read on the Internet, ignore. They rarely apply to very shy people.

Ask her if she has a FB. If she has one then ask if you can friend her. If you don't have one tell her you are making one and can you friend her. If she doesn't have one tell her you don't either and are thinking of making one, why don't ya'll make one and friend each other, then you make you a second FB like it's new and invite friends who are in on the thing to that FB. Later on she will be pleased that you went to that trouble just to talk to her.

Or, if you play those interactive video games with people, ask if she does that.

I don't use Facebook right now. Won't it be a little weird if I sign up just to talk to her, without adding anyone else (I can't think of so many people to add right now)?

Are you saying that I should tell my friends about my "intentions"? I probably should, but this is so awkward... I never talk to my friends about anything emotional.

I'd say the Facebook thing is a bad idea.

Makes me wonder, do you have any kind of rush, or any kind of deadline? If you don't, it might be a good thing to take it slow and let you two get more comfortable with each other. You said she spends a lot of time alone, so spending time with her as part of a group is progress, you can keep doing that for a while. About finding a way to talk with her, would getting something to eat after practice be a bad idea? Or just going out with a group of people from the orchestra to get something to it, and tell her to come as well? That would break the 10 minute constraint, and allow everyone to get acquainted with each other outside the orchestra. On the other hand, leading a big group of people around is easier said than done

Only if you had a FB and were going to pretend to make one so she would make one so you two could talk and you were going to add them from your existing FB. That way they wouldn't spill it about you having another one yet.