Recent breakup, lonely, help!

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Hey everybody,

A few days ago my girlfriend and I broke up, and I really miss her and I'm having trouble getting over it. My doctor says that I'm likely Aspergers but diagnosing it nowadays is basically obsolete, she is NT.

On Valentines day she had to work, and I had organised for her to come to my house afterwards to watch a movie and stuff. Instead, without notifying me she went out drinking with friends. I felt very rejected and terrible. Throughout our whole relationship I felt as though she'd leave me for somebody better eventually, I felt like an option whilst she was my priority.

I went to the pub where she went to and told her to come with me or we are done. She came outside, we fought, we are now done. It was messy though, she screamed and said that she doesn't love me any more and for me to not talk to her. I've tried ringing, she answered once but other than that ignores me.

I often hung out with her rather than my friends, so they don't care about me as much now. I feel really lonely.

In saying all of this, I wasn't a great boyfriend at times. I'd sometimes forget to ask her how her day was and stuff, and when we'd fight I'd call her an idiot and stuff. I would become very frustrated, she rarely understood me and was very illogical and inconsistent in her decision making. She also lied about many things, for example she messaged a guy that liked her and said that I was a backup option, attempting to give him false hope so he kept talking to her. I loved her though... She was often nice to me and probably loved me too. She ignored a lot of the quirks.

I miss her, and I just want to talk but she hates me now and says that I was trying to be controlling. I just wanted to see her, I needed to see her sometimes.

Does anybody have an experiences that they'd like to share? How did you deal with it? Is this the kind of thing I'll look back on and consider myself silly for loving her?

The way you describe it, it sounds like it was actually a pretty bad relationship. Aside from this temporary breakup period you both sound better off without each other, as you've mentioned essentially nothing that makes me think "These two are compatible."

This is a red-flag that the relationship is not okay. In a healthy relationship neither party should feel like a backup. Never be someone's "second choice" - it signifies that you aren't actually what they're looking for and gives you little reason to think the relationship will last. Show some respect for yourself and find someone whose first choice is you.


This part should be self-explanatory: she specifically told you not to talk to her and your immediate next words are that you've been trying to talk to her. If someone tells you to not do something, you aren't going to fix any part of the situation by doing exactly what they said to not do. If someone wants space you will make matters worse by denying them space; but this doesn't sound salvageable at all, regardless.


I just think you need to read what you wrote, yourself, and ask yourself if it sounds at all like things were okay. If you really recognize how bad the situation was perhaps it will make it easier for you to accept that you're better off looking for someone else. Does any of the above sound like a healthy relationship?

I have been there many times.

As I experienced it, I called it "Relationship Withdrawals". It had almost all the characteristics of going cold turkey from something pleasurable. It was extremely distressing and in some ways even physically painful. It was not permanent, however; it usually latest something along the order of 4-6 weeks.

Alas, my experience also was that the only way out of it was to move through it. Sometimes developing an interest in someone else helped, though that is sometimes referred to as a "rebound relationship", which is itself fraught with perils.

Believe it or not, refocusing my need for affection to a pet, or even a plush toy, sometimes helped.

I am sorry to learn that you are going through this.

If my girlfriend decided she didn't want to be around me on: Valentine's day, New Year's eve, my birthday, her birthday, and days of her friend's weddings (since women usually want to do something for you or not be alone on these days), then the relationship is likely over.

Marky 9 and Deuterium have also made solid posts in response to you as well.

If you're talking about the DSM diagnosis, it's not obsolete it's just folded under a more general diagnosis of Autistic Spectrum Disorder, could still be diagnosed with that.



That's typical of someone with Asperger's. It doesn't mean that you don't lover her though.



That is not typical of Asperger's but I don't know what the context of the argument is. Maybe, you have difficulty with conflict management which a lot of aspies do.



NT's often don't understand us but it can make more sense to them when they learn about the disorder.



That doesn't sound right. Basically, she was willing to cheat on you and I think that using a current partner as a "backup" option is wrong.



Based on what you wrote, I don't think that you were trying to be controlling but it seems like the issues that you've described are probably the result of Asperger's symptoms. From what I understand though, most issues in relationships that are caused by Asperger's tend to be down to communication. If you work out the communication issues, and your partner and yourself get to understand each other, then your relationship would be better.

...that's the worst that happened? christ.. that's nothing..


that should've sent a clear message, if she's talking to other guys as if she were single i would've broke it off there.

this woman doesn't exactly sound like she has any respect for you, or ever had any respect for you. and you chasing a woman who clearly didn't have an ounce of respect for you shows the respect you have for yourself - and i mean that in the nicest way i possibly can

You will get over it. It takes time.

This is not worth hanging onto. It sounds like a toxic relationship. Do you really want someone back who thinks of you as a back up plan, and lies about you so random guys "keep talking to her"?

Give her the flick for good. I wouldn't bother even trying to talk to her at all. Chances are she will talk to you when she realises you don't give a s**t, anyway.

Time to separate the brain and heart, you know the answer, now you just need your heart to believe it.

Thanks everyone for your responses.

I would call her an idiot because sometimes I felt that she didn't see the truth or fact. Another example of why I'd get mad is that when we'd fight she'd stand up to leave and go home, but that never fixed anything because we'd talk it out and then be fine. She'd try to run away from our problems and I'd tried to fix them directly.

I maybe painted her in a wholly negative way. She was great in some ways, for example when we went to the movies she'd see what I wanted to see, or she'd give me massages after basketball to make me feel nicer. She would also often call me straight after work, earlier in our relationship.

But another thing that annoyed me, the other day she went to painball and paid for like 3 people other than herself, but she'd VERY rarely offer to pay anything for me... Not that I expect it. Like, we'd go out for dinner, and I maybe didn't want to split a 100 dollar note, so she would pay but make sure she got every cent of it back. Like, if we went to the movies I'd pay for her food or something if she got her ticket... I wouldn't ask for a cent back, but she always would.

I just really miss her though, and my life feels very directionless. I'm also moving for university on Monday, which as an aspie of course is very stressful. I'm leaving my mum and sister and I've always lived with them, to a place 3 hours away, in a city... and I live in a rural community.

Life is bad.

So you're moving to a new city and your first relationship just ended.

Life is not bad. Life changes. Change is hard for everyone but it's a fact of life.

Best of luck to you at the new university. Remember, the city and university size may be large but it's what my sister always used to tell me (she had been to a large uni that was almost 50K students), the school can be as big or as small as you want it to be.

I didn't understand what she meant until I went to a 30K university myself.

You'll be fine. Break ups are never easy but it's best to move on and let her go. Don't call her, don't talk to her. It's easier to let things go that way.

don't contact, no matter what. don't hook up with somebody else until you have gotten over her. wait it out. talk to safe people about your feelings or write about it. the pain will lessen in time. somebody new will come along.

oh yeah, something that I always try to do is learn the lesson from each relationship (what relationship skills do I need to work on? what kind of partner is best for me? what are the red flags my partner had that I want to avoid when I pick my next partner?)

I'm concerned that my trust gets worse and worse.
As I said about my last girlfriend, she'd message people certain things and lie about who she is messaging and stuff (probably trying to keep me happy by lying). The girlfriend before this one cheated on me, rang me to tell me, then said that she was about to do it again.
My trust has diminished almost entirely.... I'm worried that when I do find somebody else my trust issues will ruin it completely, as they partly ruined this one. My recent ex girlfriend hated how I wanted to check her phone occasionally to prove that she didn't message a select couple of guys who "want to root her", as they'd say... But if she abused my trust, I thought it was fair.

That's the kind of thing that you probably have to be honest about with any new girlfriends. You'd have tell them that you have some trust issues because your exes cheated on you but otherwise, constantly looking at their phone or spying on them could be seen as violation of their privacy or controlling behaviour.