What do you feel in relationships?

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Interested in both NT and Aspie viewpoints here. What is it like when you first start seeing someone? As a college student who is just now becoming involved with someone for the first time ever, I'm curious as to how normal my feelings here are.

I feel very connected with this guy, utterly unheard of for me as I don't connect with anyone ever. He's essentially me, if I were male and significantly more brilliant. I can't explain the intense attraction to him that I feel. To him, not to his body (though that's there too). In fact, I usually find myself fully repulsed by even remotely sexual acts (basic kissing onward), and dread seeing guys who are interested in me, for no reason in particular. With this fellow though, I haven't had any inhibitions with contact (and even often find myself craving a cuddle? so bizarre), and even though I occasionally recognize that I'm a bit grossed out with kissing and such, I still enjoy it, simply because of the meaning of the connection, you know? It feels okay because I get the sense that it's kissing for affection, not just pleasure. Clear?

Do other people feel so intensely about the people they "see"? Date, I suppose. It's overwhelming but wonderful, and while I should be more concerned and try not to give into the consuming affection I'm feeling, I really don't want to. And he seems to be on the same page with me about this unspoken intensity. I feel like we're.....unusually intense. Very intimate, too, in a non-sexual way. There's something about our physical comfort with each other and just, I don't know, being at peace in each others arms that strikes me as perhaps being a bit abnormal. Thoughts?

Last edited by RikkiK on 18 Feb 2014, 2:32 am, edited 1 time in total.

All 3 relationships I had were long distance & we met on forums. I felt I could be myself with them & we connected, I became very obsessed with them & hated the long distance because I had a strong desire to be physically affectionate with them despite being antiaffection with everyone else.

yep, that sounds about right. oh, it's probably worth mentioning that he has ASD and I'm long suspected/soon to be evaluated. In fact, this may be why I'm so connected on things. He just gets it. I don't have to justify ways that I am or how I feel about some things like I must with others.

I felt that way with my first 2 relationships. I think it's normal for most people with their first relationship/date ever (and sometimes the first few) to be really, really into that person and think that person is the one for them, and that they're the sun, the moon, the stars of their universe and yadda yah.

You said this is your first relationship? Yeah, the way you feel is completely normal for most people. At least I can say it was for me, although I must admit that I wasn't really that way with my first ever girlfriend, but my second and third one I was for sure.

When I just date a person though, I don't feel that way, even if it's going really well I'll be happy and all, but it's not the same like how I was overly excited and giddy when I was younger. It could be a maturity thing, I dunno.

All of this sounds completely normal and not unusually intense. Some people are extremely affectionate with each other in a non-sexual way, it just depends on the two individuals. I am one of those people and have been that way with my past girlfriends (were very affectionate and intense but not in a sexual way at all.. Well in the beginning anyway lol)
I also find that many couples do enjoy and feel at peace in simply cuddling with another. So no I don't think anything you've described in your last paragraph is abnormal or unusual.

well, I've gone out on dates before, had crushes and experiences before, even had a few opportunities to be in relationships before, but I never even tried out dating those people, since I didn't feel connected to them enough to want an emotional bond like that. I guess it's surprisingly rare for me to take a true interest in anyone, most guys I've gone out with were sort of throw-away efforts at acting normal. they were all great guys who were perfect for me on paper, but I felt nothing. it's even more unheard of to find a reciprocated affection after the chance of developing feelings.

Normal people are not generally obsessives about something, except where the dance of romance is concerned. the attraction can be vary strong. NATURE made us that way as a way to further the mating process to increase the odds of procreation. This is generally called the honeymoon period. Just with true obsessives this feeling can be much harder to resist because of being more hard wired for it.

Last edited by AspergianMutantt on 18 Feb 2014, 3:14 am, edited 2 times in total.

also, I guess that from a completely uninformed outsider, most of the relationships I see around me appear so mild and casual compared to things I'm feeling.

I can identity with this. A girl I'm currently taken with has this precise effect on me, I'm hardly even used to being touched, but whatever it might be, I can't argue with her reasoning.

Well, it's kind of like with most things in life.. You don't really know what people feel unless you are those people. I see people declare love for each other and become attached at the hip all the time. I see people become obsessed with each other and do all sorts of crazy things (bad and good). It all seems nuts to me but I'm not involved in the relationship so I don't TRULY know how deep or superficial their emotions are.

To an outsider anything can seem fake, superficial or even appear loving, deep, intense etc. But you never really know what goes on behind closed doors.. No one would, except the two involved.

I have seen many people find someone they fall head over heels for in a relationship and then say things like, "But our love/feelings are sooo much more intense than all those other couples or all those other people" or whatever. I mean, I hear that ALL the time. All I have to say in response is, "Well how do you know the way you feel is in any way unique to all those other people?"

I'm not saying that EVERYONE feels the same way as everyone else, but that the intense feelings you described is pretty common and not abnormal in any way. It's not a bad thing. It's just a natural feeling that happens when two people share extremely good chemistry with each other.

Definitely I have felt as you have. The last time I went out with someone, I felt strangely comfortable with him - something I hardly ever do with guys - and that I could trust him and talk to him. We talked for 7 hours straight, a miracle for me. Though like you, I wasn't at all physically attracted to him - with him, I felt an intense platonic connection, but when I was not with him, I felt all the yearnings of passionate love. Usually I feel disgusted with sex, kissing, even hugging, and feel uncomfortable when guys express an interest in me. Much as I liked this guy, when he said something flirtatious to me, I drew back into myself and felt frigid.

So glad that someone else feels the same way about relationships as I do. The guy in question though was a shy and introverted NT though, but very uninhibited with his friends. Ultimately things didn't work out, because of my awkward Aspie-ness and neurosis, but I still treasure the time we had together. To be clear, we were never in a relationship, but only had a mild flirtation and strong soulful connection. He was the first guy I ever went out with on a date. It also didn't help that he hadn't fully got over his ex-girlfriend. He was sweet and thoughtful, though, and I've never met anyone who was his match. He understood me in a way no one else did.

I feel exactly the same. I have to admit that I am pretty jealous of the fact that you found someone that you share this connection with. I hope I will meet someone like that one day in my life. Is he an aspie or NT btw?

Well there's the kicker, I actually do find myself quite physically attracted to him, but I have yet to experience the panic and disgust I usually get from close physical contact. Perhaps significantly less of my attraction is physically-based then usual (it's not that I can't keep my hands off him, but it's not like I feel no interest in having my hands all over him ;] ) Usually this is very confusing to me, as the handful of guys I've taken interested in and done anything with in the past left me feeling repulsed and filthy, I can't even usually bring myself to contact the guys I was interested in after we kiss for the first time. I just feel like I want to burn my skin off and hide in a corner until the discomfort in me goes away. I've spent a good few years very confused over my sexuality from it. I suppose I just can't do the classic high school/college meaningless hook-up thing.

He is very very much an Aspie, so I'm considering myself quite lucky to find him reciprocating all this affection. He talked about some of his experiences with Asperger's pretty early on with me, I think because he senses I'm on the same page with him on some things

Yes, I have experienced that feeling many times.

Limerance - that is a technical term someone coined to describe it. It is worth googling. To grossly oversimplify, I view it as largely a rush of all those positive hormones, e.g. dopamine, serotonin, endorphins, and others.

I think it is either M. Scott Peck or Harville Hendrix that notes that statistics suggest it lasts in the range from 2 weeks to 2 years. My experience was that it lasts 6-8 weeks. If the relationship ends then a withdrawal period ensues, popularly known as heartbreak, characterized by sadness to the point of depression, and all the well-known icky feelings after a break-up.

But... limerance is a great ride while it lasts.... enjoy ! !!

I probably get too attached to females once I commit, but I find the latter quite hard to do.
I've been in many relationships, but they are very often quite casual until my last. I keep myself quite distant emotionally normally, as I've been cheated on before, I despise people knowing how I feel as they could exploit it.

What do I feel like in relationships? Happy but scared. Happy because I feel loved and wanted, but scared because my relationships have ended in getting broken up with and cheated on (aka me being hurt).

You know, I recently met a guy with aspergers. He´s two years older than me and we connect pretty OK on an intellectual level. I feel like he gets a lot of my quircks, we have a lot in common, he gets what I am saying when I am taking about aspie related problems. But what I miss is a deep emotional bond. I don't long for him or anything.
When I tell him an emotional story he doesn't quite ask the right questions. He touches me sometimes, but he doesn't take the initiative to get closer to me. He doesn't ask me about my day when I come to see him.
Basically he just can't soothe me or something. And that's why I don't feel emotionally connected to him.

I feel awful because I long for connection deep in my tiny little heart.