I like this girl but...

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I'm afraid what my mother will say. I know this is going to sound lame being a 35 yar old aspie guy who's never dated but I might be afraid to stand up to my mother. Don't get me wrong she and I get along great but every time I bring up women she shuts me down somehow and I give up. Sometimes I might go a year or more before I even bring it up again to the same result. I don't know what her problem is but I know she is very judgemental about most of the people in our community and like me, she doesn't go out or anything (but she isn't shy). My father left us when I was 18 and I had to basically give up going to college and everything to take care of her and my two younger sisters (who are now away with lives of their own). I don't know if mom is trying to stifle me or is scared I'll leave (and trust me, I'm not going anywhere as it was hard enough to finally get the house and all the bills paid off all those years). She also had a stroke over the summer and is recovering remarkably but needs more help than ever before. But this one girl I want to ask out is pretty much the sweetest girl I could've ever met but I think she's relatively young, which mom might also have something to say about. I know people might say "Well your mother doesn't need to know anything" but trust me, my mother has to know because she always questions what I'm doing if I'm not at work or doing something for her. And she's my mother so I'm not going to lie to her. I just don't want to be the good son helping her out all this time until she's gone and then start dating when I'm too old, unless that's my destiny or something. So I don't know what to do. Should I try to date or just accept that I'm stuck with mom?

The girl herself is another can of worms. We smile at each other (she works at the supermarket) but I'm just too damn shy to say anything. I don't know if she's with anyone, if she likes me, yadda, yadda, yadda. I wouldn't have the first clue of how to introduce myself or tell her I like her and want to date, where to go or what to do. Even then, I feel like I'd have to keep telling her "Sorry but I need to go mow mom's lawn" or do something else at the house.

I would not tell your mother anything until it is already done. You don't need to lie. Ask her stupid rhetorical questions about girls in general, and see if you get a positive response. If she banters you, and tries to get into your head to figure out what is going on in order to control you, then you will know not to ask her anymore questions, or tell her anything until you are already involved. Try to get advice from other respectable sources.

As for the girl. You should probably see if she is generally nice like that to everyone. Some social butterflies are just like that. I have no good advice for pick up lines or whatever, other than to be nice.

That's some Kafka-esque stuff right there. First of all, I commend you for putting your life on hold to take care of your mother after a stroke. But the burden being placed on you seems unreasonable. I presume your sisters are adults as well. If so, couldn't they take on some of the responsibilities that have been laid on your shoulders? In any even, I would start your adult life as much as you possibly can. You mother is obviously very afraid of thinking of you as an adult, but you are one and have been for some time now. Ask the girl out, and when you discuss your homelife with her just tell her that your mother is disabled and needs assistance. Tons of families have this burden placed on them, especially in America where the healthcare system is woefully inadequate. If she's a reasonable person, she'll surely understand.

Try not to worry about what your mom thinks & ask a girl out if you'd like. Tell your mom about it when she ask & if she gets has a problem with it, rub the fact that you put your adult life on hold to help her out while your sisters got to get out of there & have their own lives in her face & you could bring up the fact that your taking care of her after the stroke so the least she can do is let you go on a date. You don't need to bring your date home to meet your mom if your concerned about how she'll react. Also watch the movie Monster In Law & if you think your mom is like the mom in there, start working on getting your own life away from her instead of letting her continue to manipulate you.

But, you're the one taking care of her, right..?

You have to put your happiness before anyone elses. If you can't do that, you can't really be in a relationship to start. At a certain point, you do have to stand up for yourself.

Put yourself in control, she'll judge you, what can she do about it? ...Judge you some more, which, you'll learn to not care.

She's treating you like a surrogate husband and quite frankly, being extremely selfish.

You need to leave.

Are you sure this girl likes you? It's in people's job description to be pleasant in a supermarket.

And you don't have to "accept" anything. My own mother tells me "Don't do anything you don't want to do in life". This relationship with your mother is toxic, and if you're prepared to throw away your life for this then really it's your own doing.

Your a 35 year old man. You do not need to be controlled by your mother. That is an UNBELIEVABLE turnoff to a woman.

Women like to see a man who respects and cares for his mother, but not one who is controlled by her.

There are actually support group meetings to help with the sort of relationship that you have with your mother. The two of you sound very co-dependent, and the majority of co-dependent (if not all) relationships are detrimental to each person involved.

It's such a common problem that the support groups are pretty popular, and there's usually at least one that meets once a week in most towns. Just search for CoDA meetings in your area and see if this helps.

I wouldn't be really too concerned with the girl right now, as I feel that even if it did turn into something, it could only progress so much because of the current issues with your mom. So I'd deal with that first.

Supermarket, does she work on a checkout or somewhere else? I have an idea

OK, so the next time you head off to the supermarket buy your normal stuff plus some chocolates, something nice. Put the chocolates at the end of the belt.

After you've packed your groceries hand the chocolates to her and tell them "these are for you", then walk out.

Next week make it a cake, the week after some flowers.

If she doesn't say hello back by week three I'd give up.