I'm in such a difficult situation...

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OK, so there's this guy who really likes me and occasionally comes round for a coffee and texts me often, and I really do like him and I even feel like there is an emotional connection when I'm with him and we get along so well. The only problem is, he is still married and living with her. He keeps on saying that he is sorting himself out with another job so that he can earn more money to be able to get a place of his own and leave his wife.

He admits that at the moment it's not a relationship with me at all, because he is still living there with her and they have lots to sort out, like divorce and selling the house, etc. I do understand that situation in general, but I don't know if he is making part of it up or if it is really genuine. I am sort of hanging on because this sort of thing happened to my uncle a few years ago. His wife (who he was married to for 18 years and he still loved her) was actually seeing another man for almost a year, then suddenly she had to confront her husband and tell him that she does not love him any more and that she wants to start a new life and do other things. It was a bit of a shock to him, because he still loved her, but if she fell out of love with him and wanted to move on then he had to finally accept it. So I think, what if this is the same sort of situation with this man that likes me? His wife might still love him, but he might not love her any more but doesn't know how to tell her but at the same time might want to make a new start.

He knows that I'm not as stupid as I look, and that if things don't look like they are going to change at all within the next year or so, then I won't wait forever. But at the moment I feel quite trapped. I feel like I don't have a boyfriend (and I so badly want one, plus ALL of my mates have one), but I feel too guilty to find and date other men because he might be really willing to get this new job, get a place of his own and have me and treat me, etc. But I'm finding it hard to let go in case I am going to be missing out on a great opportunity, especially when I think of a similar-looking situation that happened to my uncle (and a few other couples that I know too).

I am being a bit too hopeful I suppose. Maybe he is just making up lie upon lie to keep me waiting forever. I just don't know what to do. I feel guilty if I just end it right now, but I feel like it's wrong to hang on because he's still married. It's so easy to just say ''get away from him, finish whatever's going on, you don't need him'', because this is the first ever chance I've had as a relationship and I want to see if it MIGHT all work out in the end. They always say you never know.

My advice: back away slowly, that sounds like a minefield

I agree with the comments, above. Leave the situation ASAP.

Another vote to back away.

Is this fella open to the idea of introducing you to his friends or being seen out with you in public? If he's not alarm bells should be ringing.

You're young. Everyone you meet who you like isn't your last and best chance to be happy.

Another vote for "run like hell".

I'm not inclined to disagree with the others, but I think a bit of explication is warranted where emotions are concerned.

I'd be wary of getting involved because the situation is so complex ("minefield" was a good analogy). I personally don't read complex situations very well. My own emotions become jumbled, and I can't sort them out. Add to this the fact that breaking things off with a former spouse is difficult, so even if it's his move, he is bound to have moments when he doubts whether divorce is what he really wants.

Here is an alternative to calling it off altogether: if you meet again for coffee, establish a date that you will meet each other a year from now. Give yourself, and him, one year to figure out what you both really want. Note: this doesn't mean you pine for him for a year! It means if you meet someone you would like to have coffee with, or see a movie with, you do. After a year is up, you might realize that you never really hit it off with anyone else. Or you may find that you've met someone amazing that you never expected to find while you were worrying over Mr. Unhappily Married. And he may find himself 1) newly divorced and ready to move on; 2) not divorced and still unsure; 3) reconciled to his wife and no longer interested; or 4) no longer interested in you. In any case, you will both have a better, clearer sense of your own needs and desires if you spend the year getting your lives in order, independently of one another.

Be wary of using experience in the place of logic, too. I also know of situations where men claimed to be in the process of a divorce in order to convince other women that it was okay to become romantically involved with them, so I would say that scenario is just as likely as that which you described regarding your uncle's experience. Experiences can offer some degree of insight, but they shouldn't be trusted on their own, because they are almost always contextual, and in this case the people involved are the context. Different people, different context.

I'm not inclined to disagree with the others, but I think a bit of explication is warranted where emotions are concerned.

I'd be wary of getting involved because the situation is so complex ("minefield" was a good analogy). I personally don't read complex situations very well. My own emotions become jumbled, and I can't sort them out. Add to this the fact that breaking things off with a former spouse is difficult, so even if it's his move, he is bound to have moments when he doubts whether divorce is what he really wants.

Here is an alternative to calling it off altogether: if you meet again for coffee, establish a date that you will meet each other a year from now. Give yourself, and him, one year to figure out what you both really want. Note: this doesn't mean you pine for him for a year! It means if you meet someone you would like to have coffee with, or see a movie with, you do. After a year is up, you might realize that you never really hit it off with anyone else. Or you may find that you've met someone amazing that you never expected to find while you were worrying over Mr. Unhappily Married. And he may find himself 1) newly divorced and ready to move on; 2) not divorced and still unsure; 3) reconciled to his wife and no longer interested; or 4) no longer interested in you. In any case, you will both have a better, clearer sense of your own needs and desires if you spend the year getting your lives in order, independently of one another.

Be wary of using experience in the place of logic, too. I also know of situations where men claimed to be in the process of a divorce in order to convince other women that it was okay to become romantically involved with them, so I would say that scenario is just as likely as that which you described regarding your uncle's experience. Experiences can offer some degree of insight, but they shouldn't be trusted on their own, because they are almost always contextual, and in this case the people involved are the context. Different people, different context.

To quote Pink Floyd,
Run Like Hell

I also say that you should run for the hills.

I say run for the hills if you feel you will develop strong feelings for him.

You're not going to be able to get a serious relationship with this guy any time soon. He's got his hands full. Weather or not you'll mean anything to him is way up in the air. If you can handle it, go for it. If not, find someone who has their life together.

I don't know what to think about it really. Because I'm so lonely compared to my NT peers and just about everyone I know all have a boyfriend or girlfriend now and I just hear it everywhere I go, and I am too nervous to go places by myself to meet people, so I sort of have opted to invite some stress into my life. That's what I thought a few years ago when I was having arguments with so called friends (what aren't my friends now), I thought to myself ''well, at least I have people to argue with. This beats being totally alone''. I know they say being friends or partners with someone who isn't the right person is as bad as being on your own, but....I'm complex.

I say I have friends, but they are very few and far between, and anyway most of them are out with their boyfriends/girlfriends now. Some of them tried dating sites, and so have I but didn't get on with it. I enjoy his texts, whether they mean anything or not. It's nice to be called beautiful a few times a week - by a guy I am attracted to.

It's just a f*****g pity he has to be MARRIED.

Wanting a boyfriend "so badly" is a DANGEROUS attitude to have and will result in everyone except Predators running away from you and believe me, they are experts at turning on the charm and hiding their true intentions. Hate to sound mean, but you don't seem to realize how naive you are being right now and you are being set up for being taken advantage of.

I made the mistake of jumping into bed with the first girl who said I was sexy and it nearly crippled my sanity because of her unresolved issues. It is FAR better to be alone forever than to find a boyfriend "just because". I know a couple of women who were like you in their late 20s and ended up marrying lazy drunks who don't work and make them miserable. Be careful!

I usually like to play the Devil's advocate but in this situation I must repeat.. RUN!

Hide your heart, girl.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0CuNBengxaQ[/youtube]