Getting my love life back on track.

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I really want to get into a relationship but I am not sure what the best way to proceed is. I had really bad Aspergers when I was younger but now older it seems to have softened. Although I still feel like I’m playing catch-up with my NT peers and I’m 32 year old man with the social skills of a 16 year old. I’ve never had a girlfriend and What I am doing currently is:

Going to therapy every 3 weeks
Reading PUA books
Doing Yoga at least 3 times a week (get my body in shape)
Meditating everyday (getting my mind in shape)
Keeping a social diary to celebrate my victories and put down any realisations I have about myself.
Practicing my affirmation for 5 mins a day (e.g. “People love me as I am”, “I am a unique character”, “My main obligation is to make myself happy”.

I am not sure what’s the best way to proceed? I was thinking about this:-
Going speeddating at least once a month
Tone my arms and shoulders (apparently women like that type of body)
Cut down on chocolate
Get more advice from my one or two close friends as how I come across
Maybe join a paying online dating website
Be clear with women I want to go out with them and not to be just friends.
Use Mindreading by Simon Baron-Cohen to get to know different facial expressions.
Keep better track of my social diary.

I have thought about doing the Paul Ekman training because the Mind Reading its more about gross expressions but Paul Ekman is more about subtle expressions.

Any suggestion would be welcome.

Please do not take advice from PUAs. These are books for men who don't actually like women but do want to stick their penises in them at will. And you won't find a woman worth talking to who likes the PUA routines.

You don't have to announce to women that you want to go out with them (and not just be friends). What that says to women is that you don't value their friendship; you just want sex. If you ask them out on dates, they will understand that you want sex and romance. Make sure you bring the romance, though.

Most of the activities you describe are asocial or extremely functional, like speeddating. Do activities, join a club where there are men and women.

Make it clear to a woman you are beginning to date that you have AS, so that she doesn't misread your intentions. Don't treat her badly, then, and give her cause to believe that saying "I have AS" is just a cover for men who want to abuse women.

Thanks Tarantella64! I agree!
To the OP. Drop the PUA stuff, Cary! Intelligent women see threw it right away, & It Is A TURNOFF! If it doesn't work for you, women see you as a clumsy horny clod. If it does work for you, women see you as a oily skirt chaser. Why be either? Just be yourself!

The only good thing I have ever found from PUA sources are the fact that they will encourage men to be more confident in themselves and to be more of their own man, and not worry about outcomes. Everything else seems to be promoting what type of man they want you to be and it might not work as well as you might think.



The two I bolded are the ones I think might not benefit you well. The first would be ok if there is no good meetups to go to in your area for meetup.com. If you are fine with Match.com, check to see if there are any mingling events in your area.
The second I would say it might be beneficial to build up some friendships with women as well rather than be all "take it, or leave it" with them. My current relationship started out with two months of being friends first and realizing we wanted to start dating eachother.



I would ditch some of your PUA books for some relationship building books:
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by Dr. John Gray.
The Five Flirting Styles by Dr. Jeffrey Hall.

The one in bold I feel is the most important as you will notice that some of the communication methods described in the book does break down how things work out quite well. The meaning of words and how men or women might use them can actually be quite true... especially with how we interpret what we hear. And you will get some new ideas on how you might view your Aspergers as well (some of the ideas presented in the book about men's communication helped me realize that lacking empathy was definitely not Aspie exclusive).

Other than that, I applaud the spiritual, mental, emotional and physical development. I find the spiritual is the most often overlooked, but I would like to hear you keep it up. Welcome to the planet.

I believe social skills are key to dating, and the more you improve your ability to meet, communicate with, and connect to other people the greater your chances of starting and keeping a relationship. I don't like PUA for this because it's scripted and depends largely on numbers as well as settings where you're with strangers, which isn't good for intimacy and compatibility.

Many of your other ideas are good, though, and it sounds like you're in a phase of life where you're comfortable being out in public and interacting with others. Meaning practice can easily be learned from.

One website I've been reading is this: http://www.succeedsocially.com/

It's not designed for Asperger's (it was written by someone who used to be shy and awkward), but it might still be useful.

I agree with the love languages, also. There are supposed to be 5 "love languages" that describe how people like to give and receive affection: physical touch, acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, and gifts.

I'm sure you'll find somebody and probably have a lot of fun while on the search. I agree with others about the PUA stuff. It is for casual sex, not intimate relationships. In my experience, the skills to get casual sex do not work in relationships. In fact, it often backfires if you want to build intimacy.

What are you looking for in a partner? How do you want your partner to treat you? It helps to have standards so that you can eliminate women who are not a good match.

doctornerdlove.com is full of great advice, can't recommend it highly enough. He has experience of pick-up-artistry and understands that there is actually some useful advice hidden within the bitter misogyny but his advice is so much more female-friendly, with respect and honesty being extremely high on the agenda. Look through the archives and find a title that interests you, it totally changed my whole approach to socialising and dating and while I haven't had much more success I feel like I'm much closer to being the person I want to be.

PUA is about one night stands.

I read heavily into enneagram books a few years ago; I liked it because it attempted to systematize personalities. It definitely isn't the gospel truth, but it helped give me an idea of where other people were coming from. Plus it was a great conversation piece (some people loved hearing about their personalities). In retrospect, it sounds a lot like pop psychology, but it's better reading than PUA.

This may sound bad, but when I was doing self affirmations, I had a very low self esteem. I would self-sabotage any attempts at relationships, I felt that it was 100% them doing me a favor and not a mutual experience. I was treated accordingly.

I think instead of the self affirmations, if you put yourself to doing things that aren't easy, or that others don't find easy, you'll develop confidence more effectively. I started with the gym and running, spent a lot of time on khan academy, pushed myself into microcontrollers; not exactly breakdancing, but I know what it feels like to fail and retry.

I've had a love life, didn't have my stuff together to make it work, but that's why I'm currently in the process of getting it together. Good luck to you.

You should also consider asking yourself what it is you want from a woman. Not to repeat the previous 10 posters, but if I took what I read here, I'd assume casual sex or validation.

You talk a lot about both what you offer someone, and what you want to be able to offer someone. But what do you want from someone? it's just as important.

I agree with this point; you will not only be happier if you know what you want and then go get it but also, the other person will be happier as they are more clear about what and who you want. I think when both people understand who they are and then who you are best with, you have a better chance of finding someone that you honestly resonate with.

Hi

I wrote a really long reply but for some reason it hasn't come up. I will try and see if Microsoft Word has managed to save a copy of it. But thanks for your replies everyone. I feel a bit overwhelmed and and I am not sure if I can answer all the questions you have asked me but I have tried to do my best.

You've got a lot of good ideas here. I would only suggest leaving the PUA weirdos to their own devices. But your agenda for health and mental health is solid.

Hi Peeps

My god you have given me a lot to think about!

PUA books – I understand where you’re coming from. Although there is some good stuff in there like being confident and don’t totally submit to your partner, be your own person with your own interests. Or just focusing on one woman and that’s it rather than playing the numbers game. But I had such bad social echolalia I’m careful I don’t try to be/act like someone I’m not.

I think there is something about improving my social skills and by extension my experiences with women I’m interested in better. Btw looks like a really good website. I will spend many an hour pouring over that website.

I know when I said I wanted to be clear with women I wanted to try and get across something different. A bit of background first, women seem to want to mother me (I finally picked up on that) so I just sort of got a few female friends. And in general they are more caring than men (also I am more Metrosexual than mans’ man (apologies for poor punctuation)). People also take my quiet nature to mean I am a good listener, which I use to never mind, but its getting too painful to listen to my female friends talk about their boyfriend problems or the latest guy they have hooked up with. I want to be the guy they are hooking up with not the guy who has to hear about it. And a couple of years I became friends with someone I was secretly in love with. Hoping one day she would come to her senses but she didn’t and then again six months ago so I want to break this pattern.

Maybe I do want validation from women. I am not sure if I am emotionally equipped to have a relationship. I would like to find someone who would help me learn. Not as a crutch because I have a therapist for that and that’s why I pay her but someone I can have a relationship with whom I can take things slow.

I want affection and to be really close to someone. E.g. My best friend said I can have a hug whenever I want or need one from her. I’d like that with a partner though. I don’t know about the rest of you but for some reason after

I also take on your point tarantella64 a lot of the stuff I am doing is asocial and it does have minimum contact with people, maybe if I do more speeddating I can redress the balance? Or do the meetup thing on match?

I think affirmations do work, especially when I think of experiences that back it up and write about them in my social diary. For instance, one of my affirmations is “I am lovely” and another is “I have an air of friendliness”. Last Friday I went to Starbucks and I bought some coffees for my team and this girl who has started a new job in a different department, she is very nervous about it. Anyway I went to round to see her and while she was taking a call I put the Caramel Mocha in front of her and kissed her on the cheek (I was feeling daring). Anywho I start walking off and her pretty colleague pops up and says “Don’t I get one?”

That completely caught me off guard because all I wanted to do was run. But I managed to compose myself and say “Sorry, I’ve only got the one coffee”

She replied “How about a kiss then?”

So walked over and hugged her and gave her a kiss on the cheek. So whenever I say those affirmations to myself I will be able to recall that memory.

Sometimes I wish I had a label to say “I have Asperger’s – please be gentle” because I know that little experience above smacks of confidence and my best friend before she really knew me said how confident I appeared to her floating into a bar with my Navy blue blazer, Oxford Poplin shirt and light beige trousers knowing how good I looked. But I am more nervous because I only started going to bars 3 or 4 years ago. Does that mean I am half the way there with the confidence thing if I can do this stuff?