Overstimulated. Receiving affection is ruining my relationsh

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We have great chemistry, great conversation, he's patient with so many of my quirks. But it kills me to be touched. Not always. I love being held. But I hate being kissed. I hate kissing. I hate my face touched. He runs his fingers through my hair affectionately but to me it's just painful. He gets upset when I pull away.. I don't blame him.. But when I try to explain what I don't like he gets so offended.. Our relationship is long distance, so when he visits, it will be for a week at a time and I get so overwhelmed with all the "make up" affection that I'm actually able to get some relief when he leaves. I hate this. It shouldn't be like this. I want to be able to receive his affection without my mind screaming for it to stop....

If it's going to last, he's going to have to understand the problem and also understand that it's not about him. And that he'll need to find other ways of showing affection that also give him pleasure.

He may not believe that there's a real problem; he also may just be very bossy, physically. A lot of guys are like this because they feel they have to take charge, and resistance embarrasses them -- I can't tell you how many men have tried to push me around and tell me how I ought to be responding, physically. You may want to send him a link to info about sensory issues. If in the end he can't respect you because his own physical needs take precedence, then it may be time to think about letting him go.

I think the idea of me being an aspie is still very new to him, he's finally starting to be open minded about it. There's a lot of things he has yet to understand, and I've sent him a few links on sensory issues, today, actually. He said he would be open minded about it. I've already had one failed marriage.. One where, like you said, physicalities were forced on me.. To the point where I could no longer bare it. He had no respect for me and I became an object. When I met my now boyfriend, I could tolerate it much more, but now it's becoming an issue again. Probably the long distance visits interrupt my routine, he wants to constantly hold me and it keeps me from getting things done. And I have two small children. It gets frustrating. I much prefer being the clingy one in the relationship, this is throwing me for a loop. I'm afraid it's going to cause another failed marriage for me, whether him or someone else.. For I enjoy cuddling but don't desire a whole lot of sexual intimacy.. Only if I initiate it.. Which wouldn't be enough for a man I don't think..

I have the same issues with being touched, ugh...

I think I have pretty good perspective, from "his" point of view.

My only lasting relationship was with a girl who had the same issues. I was very gradual with my physical affection with her, so it was several months before she started to realize that she was super uncomfortable with most physical affection.

I figured she was just nervous, and that she would eventually enjoy it. So, we kept seeing each other off and on for about 2 years. She finally told that she was an "asexual" and that she was almost phobic of anything more physical than hugging.

I wasted a lot of time trying to make that relationship work. I would suggest being extremely direct with this guy about your aversion to his advances, and be very clear that your needs are not going to change.

Yes, although I'm a woman, I'm like Saul. I like sex. My AS husband has some issues with physical intimacy. Issues that became painful for me. I wanted sex in my life. I eventually took a lover. But this is no way to live. I think you should be honest with him about your feelings about sexual touch and affectionate touch. But don't be surprised if he doesn't believe you. It's very hard for people with 'normal' sexual feelings to believe when someone doesn't have those feelings but says they're otherwise affectionate and fond and even loving.

Says the person with a hugging avatar? Really, I'm confused by this.

This is not your "issue", it is just how you are. It is right to hate the things he does to you if they make you uncomfortable, not to hate yourself because they make you uncomfortable. It is not your job to accept what he wants to do to you. He is not respecting your boundaries, and needs to 'get over himself' if he just gets offended when you explain it to him (which a form of guilting you and making you feel like you are the problem and that he should be allowed to do what he wants). You don't control what you like, and he needs to respect that because it's absolutely not healthy to be with someone who enforces contact onto you that makes you uncomfortable, and then makes you feel like a problem when you speak up about it.

Continue to pull away when it doesn't feel right, don't force yourself to 'deal with it', don't let him encroach on your comfort. Any time he tries to cross a boundary that makes you uncomfortable, enforce the boundary. A relationship is supposed to be about sharing comforting things together; if he can't respect what you like and dislike then I think you should really be questioning if this is the kind of person you want a relationship with. You suggest that it's relieving when he leaves. Maybe you should examine your own words of "It shouldn't be like this" closer, and that perhaps you two are not compatible as 'more than friends'.

What Saul said.

Sounds like your relationship with this man is becoming a chore, and not a relationship.

as for the affection... I'm fully aware that there are women that are usually turned off by overly affectionate men as well. Seems he is just giving it away before you ask for it. Seems less challenging for you.

I think you're right... It's just hard to accept. Mostly since he's my best friend and I don't have anyone else.. If it wasn't for this issue we'd be perfect. I especially love how amazing he is with my kids. And they love him too.. It's all so much to think about. I'm not sure we could just be friends after being lovers. I'll always love him, and he'll always love me.. I wonder though if I'd ever have a successfully relationship.. All I've ever known is that men need sex as their top emotional need. So how could I ever fulfil anyone's needs while getting my own met? It's so confusing.

There are asexual-spectrum, low-libido, and aromantic-spectrum people out there. People who don't have any 'requirement' for sex/touchiness definitely exist, of all genders, and to varying degrees (some may be completely repulsed, while others may be open to cuddling/sex whenever it feels right but have no 'urges' and do fine without it).

If you both can't be comfortable getting what you want from each other, all isn't lost; there's someone out there who fits what you want, it just may be a more difficult search compared to sexual/touchy NTs who can flock together like schools of fish. But if it's what you want, it's worth it. You've learned what you want and don't want, and that's very important toward finding the right person.

I don't think too many women are looking for "thrill of the chase" when it comes to affection.

TNR, I'm sorry, I didn't read "don't want sex" into your first post, just the specifics you mentioned.

If you really don't like sex, then I do think you should be upfront with him about that. It's pretty terrible to have a relationship drag on when the other person's lukewarm about sex with you and you slowly come to realize that it's not about a tense situation, or distractions, or anything else -- it's that the other person really doesn't like sex and that's just how it is. If that is how it is...well, I don't know how your guy might take it. People vary. But yeah, I think it's reasonable to expect that a romantic relationship involves sex unless it's otherwise negotiated.

I had this problem with my ex-bf (AS)...I'm glad I came across him as a middle-aged woman with good sexual experience, and not as a young woman, or it might've been pretty crushing to my self-confidence. He wasn't so great about identifying the problem and making it about himself, and in the end was pretty blunt about not enjoying sex with me...you know, maybe that's why your man's offended, the way you're phrasing things. With my guy, it was pretty clear from the start that something was up -- it was a weirdly collegiate experience, fumbly, and he hardly ever wanted sex, didn't like me to initiate, was turned on by a pretty narrow set of things, lost interest very easily, was irritated by sexy talk. There was a lot of constriction around sex -- and shame, which surprised me, because that's not something I'd dealt with before -- that at first I put down to his upbringing. And he talked a lot about having been pushed beyond his boundaries by other women, which I didn't entirely understand till later. And there was a lot of confused-sounding talk about possibly being gay or bi, but not liking men and being afraid to try. But I did hold onto hope that things would get better. He wasn't shy, either, about wishing my body was different, though tbh I don't think that would've really done much for him longterm. I think he wanted to want sex. But if you don't want sex, you don't want sex. The problem was he gave off totally mixed signals: he came on all flirty at first, advertised how much he liked doing this and that, initially seemed excited and kind of oddly gropy, and intermittently would be excited. If he'd been upfront from go, not invited me into his bed or shown up in mine, and just said, "I don't enjoy sex much except as a sleep aid and don't want it more than once a month or so" -- well, that's pretty clear.

My guy did eventually explain pretty fully what was up with him, though he did manage to do it in some pretty insulting terms at the same time. I don't think he meant to be insulting, but I was annoyed by the tendency to turn me into an object and start discussing why I wasn't pleasing to him sexually, like it was a customer complaint.

The measure of a good guy is that he remains available to your kids even if he's not getting any. Fortunately, it's an LDR, so it's not like he's a big part of your kids' daily life. But this is something to think about in future if you really don't like sex -- unless the guy understands and is okay with this (like really okay, and not just hoping you'll change your mind, because he's not so into it either) -- then you stand a pretty good chance of having guys you date drift in/out of your kids' lives.

It's not hopeless, though. One of my good college friends, who's gay, shocked everyone a few years ago by marrying a woman. They seem very happy together and are very loving and affectionate, are obviously besties. I don't think they share a sexual life, but they do have a strong marriage.

Sorry to be confusing.. I definitely enjoy sex, and he actually never ever pressures me to do it. I just know I am fine with it a lot less than him. And he's fine with that while we are dating but has expressed that when/if we got married he would want it a lot more, which would be several years from now. Anyways, sex isn't really the issue with him at all.. it was with my ex however. Which is a different story. But mostly I struggle with kissing, saliva, being touched on the face.. Surprise touches (like kisses on the neck when I don't expect it... I always flinch and it offends him) or I'll "wipe" his kisses off. I'm trying to communicate with him more now as much as I can, because I was never upfront in the beginning so now he's confused and I realize that's my fault for misleading him. Or even just him wanting to cuddle when I'm not in the mood or when I'm too "wired" to cuddle. He's trying to be open minded about the aspie thing but doesn't think I have it since I guess I hide it well.. I don't have a professional diagnosis and he wants me to get one for "proof" but from my understanding, that's a long, costly road and difficult for females...

I appreciate your encouragement, it's very helpful. I tend to dwell a lot on the negatives and am anxiety ridden. I have sort of this "check list" of requirements and I find I have to prioritize them and sacrifice some to receive others when it comes to a companion. I'm afraid I'm a much too picky person for being someone who doesn't seem to be able to reciprocate what I desire in a relationship :/